Here I go again

[Rsmacker]

Ha! Rsmacker lives to pork another day! I've escaped from the lair of another Swamp Donkey after riding her like a stolen moped. I must spruce up on my French language skills - picture the scene, if you will:

A darkened campsite, a small tent with a table outside, a small fluorescent tube glowing dimly to illuminate 2 older French folk, on their first visit to such a place as the Cap D'agde, and me, The Arch-Shagger Rsmacker, sharing a bottle of whiskey. Now for starters, I can't stand whiskey, but when someone offers you a drink and you have it inside your depraved head that you want to poke their wife, you drink it, right? Sure, that wasn't the worst taste I had in my mouth last night, I tell you.

So, things progress swimmingly with their limited English and my schoolboy French, we are getting along just fine. The not-exactly-an-oilpainting femme has my pud in her mush and the hubby is trying to mime to me to put on a condom and fuck her. Righty-ho, young-fella-melad, I suit up and proceed with the operation.

Unfortunately, after a wee drinky, I tend to get mischievous during the act, my mind starts to wander. That's when women end up with flower stems up their bum and moustaches drawn on, that sort of thing.

Well, I'm fucked if I know the French for "I want you to make some chimpanzee noises", and my mime wasn't doing it. I don't know what kind of nature programmes they show on French telly, but obviously not the one where the Bonobos get jiggy wit Mr Biggy. I should have recorded her efforts and sent them off to David Attenborough for identification, I have no fucking clue what she was trying to do. It was part hilarity, part extreme bewilderment on my part, but bless her, she tried.

And yes, she did have to go and wash her hair after I gave her the Head & SHoulders treatment. (Or was it the Wash & Go, because that's what I did, leaving the couple wondering what the fuck happened when the spell broke.)

To cap it all, the most massive thunderstorm ripped through the campsite afterwards, and still is going on, confining me to my hammock. Can't wait for tonight!!

[Big D]

"riding her like a stolen moped" is perhaps my favorite new line in the past year

[Rsmacker]

Phew, I'm feeling back to normal again now after my little episode at death's door yesterday. I felt REALLY ill, I can tell you, and reconsidered all my values, questioned whether trying to hump anything that moves is morally acceptable, even pondered the idea of getting a regular, no-more-shagging-around girl-friend! I told myself to mend my ways, that this was my punishment for being a dirty little pervert.......


Luckily I went out and a nice German Domminatrix spanked my bottom - THAT was my punishment, and mighty fine it was too. So, normal service is now resumed. Bring on the Swamp Donkeys!

[Rsmacker]

You thought you had got rid of me didn't you?


Well, like a recurring case of the pox, I'm back, so tough titties.

Soooooo, my blog didn't last long. I tried, I really did, but sometimes it's difficult to extract yourself from some slut's dirtbox to go and use your netbook in some shitty campsite. So, I had another poke, had another drink or three, got her to put on her wetsuit she uses for surfing, asked her to make sealion noises and clap whilst balancing my nutsac on her nose (and SHE FUCKING DID IT!!!). A few more drinkies, a few fucking superb arguments with Johnny Foreigner over his incessant smoking habits whilst I am trying to eat and the fact he doesn't like it when I fart loudly at the table and waft it around savouring the smell, culminating in a brawl of epic proportions.

Following that little incident and another cunning escape from the lair of yet another Swamp Donkey (just how many batshit crazy women are there roaming the Continent, looking to snare a handsome thrusting young buck/dirty old goat like me? I'm not sure, but I keep bumping into them), I decided I really was pushing my luck, I'm nearly 40 for fuck's sake. Time to be a nice, normal, pleasant chap.

Well, that attracts even more fucking lunatic women, I can assure you, and the odd poo pirate too, so I deided to keep an even lower profile. Having a serious brake component failure meant I had to sit for an extra week in a hot Portuguese campsite waiting for parts to arrive, before doing a Heath Robinson repair to get me home, none of that Interwebs nonsense, just peace, quiet and sunshine.

But there came a point where I ran out of excuses, money and energy, and had to return home, finally sneaking through Customs and Immigration back into Blighty yesterday. (I even went out and met a nice filly who gave me half a BJ last night. She had to leave so left before the icing arrived, but I'm going to go and see her this week and squirt some cocksnot all over her. Excellent result)

So now the gloom sets in - it's cold, Autumnal and I'm wondering what the fuck I'm doing here. Still, home is where the heart is. And there is absolutely NOTHING as satisfying as curling off a massive steaming pan-cracking turd in your own home shithouse after weeks of peering into questionable holes in the ground and festering "conveniences" wondering whether it's wise to point your pucker at them to unleash the Kraken. NOTHING.

But fear not, filth fans, I will, in time get round to detailing my adventures, as and when the PTSD wears off and I have some idle time on my hands.

Right, I feel like balling the shit out of someone's balloon knot. WILKSY-BABY!!!!!!! DADDY'S HOME!!!!!

[MartinBarre]

How much, if any, of this, really happened?

[wilkinsi]

Shit. I was just thinking Good Riddance.

[Jacksons Shred]

How much, if any, of this, really happened?

You doubt RS?

Blasphemy.

[Rsmacker]

Blasphemy indeed, but have no fear, he is forgiven. Just let me get my leather Vicar oufit on and we can play Choirboys and Ecclesiatical Pederasts, my favourite.

Alas, all of it is true (I'll be discrete about whether I got hold of a certain someone. You decide....) And much much worse. As my friend wearily told his 22 yr old son as I regaled him with my tales of the Good Old Days : "Rsmacker talks a load of shit alright, but he doesn't tell lies".

And for any doubters out there, I've decided it really is not the done thing to be traipsing off on my hols alone. For starters, no-one knows where the fuck I am if I get into any mischief (or handcuffs). Secondly, loads of things I have seen or done just need to be witnesses. It's not always possible to get a camera out, these things are gone in an instant, and I wish sometimes I could say "Fuck, did you see that.....??". I'm not talking just about balancing my nuts on girls' noses, I mean things like narrowly avoiding a vulture which plunged to the ground in front of me in Portugal. What a fuck-ugly creature (it said). Next time I need a Partner in Crime, or a Sidekick.

The Cap D'agde is a truly depraved place - I'm sure you can use a popular search engine. The nastiness you can get up to there is monumental. You have to work hard as a single bloke, but take your Mrs, she'll have fun!

I'm actually vaguely plotting next year now. I have this strange desire to ship my bike over to the USA and do a little road trip there. Whaddaya reckon? Should be a hoot, loadsa good roads, good drinkies, hot women. And some nasty old boilers for me to poke. They even nearly speak the same language.

It's a hell of a shock to the system to come home though, been in Production meeting with client today and all I can think about is getting a cheap flight somewhere hot so I can laze about in the sun all day right now. How come I haven't won the Lottery and have to work for a living? Life's not fair!

[toejam]

I can tell you, and reconsidered all my values, questioned whether trying to hump anything that moves is morally acceptable, even pondered the idea of getting a regular, no-more-shagging-around girl-friend! I told myself to mend my ways, that this was my punishment for being a dirty little pervert.......

That would be blasphemy! :ROTF:

[Endrik]

How much, if any, of this, really happened?

The antics of British gents are often discussed here in the continent, it's understandable though, coming from more prudish isolated Anglo-Saxon island society you want to explode when you get a chance. And you wondered why the Japs are weird

[Firebird V]

Safe home.

[gotwtt]

The antics of British gents are often discussed here in the continent, it's understandable though, coming from more prudish isolated Anglo-Saxon island society you want to explode when you get a chance. And you wondered why the Japs are weird

thats the english the scots and welsh and the irish were celts

[Endrik]

thats the english the scots and welsh and the irish were celts

english have some celtic blood too but that's not the point, the overall british culture is dominantly anglo saxon, as are many ex-british colonies like USA or even today's India in many ways, before Muslim and then British rule they were more of an hippie state but now a kissing scene on TV can be scandalous... the good old Victorian ways.
most of the french, some northern italians, some spanish in Catalunya and Galicia (also some Portuguese in that area) are also celts/gauls but have a latin culture hence radically different lifestyles.
Scandinavians are germanic like anglo-saxons but have a totally different culture because they separated from them and developed their own traditions in different places.
I'm finnic but the culture is mostly germanic, slavic and traditional pagan finnic. Hence we are cold, arrogant, xenophobic and bitter sons of bitches
Interesting is that the Brits have abandoned a lot of the puritan ways a lot faster than their ex-colonies maybe except for places like Australia who out of all the anglo-saxon world is the most similar to the southern/western continentals.

[Rsmacker]

The antics of British gents are often discussed here in the continent, it's understandable though, coming from more prudish isolated Anglo-Saxon island society you want to explode when you get a chance. And you wondered why the Japs are weird

I think the days that Britain was a reserved, repressed country, full of gentlemen are long gone, if they ever really existed. It's full of fucking savages who love swilling beer and being loud and aggressive. I may have my moments but I sincerely hope I'm not the typical Brit yob abroad. I always try to find out how to say "Are you any good at sewing?" (the next line being "Well, stitch this fucker.......") in Johnny Foreigner's language, it's only polite, isn't it?
My little fracas' are generally misunderstandings, not brutish British thuggery, I actually like and respect JF in his own country, and try to be a courteous visitor.

Thinking about it when I was away, I suppose it's how Britain ruled much of the world in days gone past. Yes, there may have been Lord Snot & Co with their cultured elegance, dictating what's what from their marbled colonial palaces, but prior to that a bunch of rat-arsed bad-teethed trogs trampled the locals into submission and subdued any restless natives so that they could be governed nicely. Harsh naval and army discipline kept them in line (literally) and kept them facing the enemy despite the odds, rather than running away, but underneath it all was the fucking idiot who liked supping lager and rolling round the streets pissing in shop doorways.

Personally I blame the Church of England. Whereas in days gone by, the Europeans slavishly obeyed the whims of the Pope, the British said "Fuck you sunshine". Thanks to Henry the 8th, the British didn't tow the line and became a boil on the arse of the Papacy.

It gained us an Empire eventually but it has also contributed to the decline in law & order, IMHO. The church simply doesn't have any authority or place in most peoples' lives, I couldn't give a flying fuck what the Archbishop of Canterbury thinks or says, and nor does just about anyone else I know. Sunday is just another day to trade and work, as are religious holidays. Not so long ago, and I mean 5 years or so, you couldn't open a nightclub round here on Good Friday. Now you can get extended opening hours for extra piss-supping! I doubt the same is true in Continental Europe.

Fucking hell, if I type any more of my theories you won't need to buy the book I'm writing, "Rsmacker's View of the World, And Fuck You If You Don't Like It".

Actually, you will, I'll change my mind about things sooner or later.