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I need your advice folks.
It's like this.....
I have been corresponding with a nice young lady online, and we met the other night "for a drink and a chat". Now, I realise that when a woman says she is "curvy", she's probably a tad overweight, but this woman was a MOOSE. Me, being the perfect gentleman, didn't simply accelerate away in a cloud of tyre smoke. No, I fulfilled my obligation, had a couple of non-alcoholic drinks, and made small talk, just like a civilised human being.
She had been married for 20 years to some poor sod who only ever got the horn once in a blue moon, and finally ditched him just before Christmas. She was fizzing for a shag.
I have been trying really hard not to hump anything that crosses my path, so decided to give her a lift home and make my excuses and leave. We got to her modest ground floor flat and she offered me a coffee. Why not? Can't do any harm, can it? I don't fancy her, it won't be a problem.
Inside I sat down on the sofa. Ah, very nice, she perched demurely next to me; I turned to her, expecting to be asked if I want milk and sugar....
BANG.....she launched herself at me like something out of Alien, my face was engulfed. I floundered, gasping for air, vaguely aware of my car keys tumbling from my grasp. She was gasping too, no, panting, like a rhino on heat. I touched something, I have no idea what, I just knew it's a part of her. She trembled, groaned. Terrified, I realised I was getting wood.
"Can I suck your cock?" she enquired, politely.
Boiiiing!! I whipped it out and she chowed down. This gave me time to think, plan my escape. The thing is, I know I'm being dragged in, my resolve is crumbling.
She surfaced and whipped off her top. It's horrendous, although she's a big lass, her tits are like a couple of poached eggs, plonked onto a big slab of ham. This is most disconcerting, I was expecting massive jugs. Oh well, she gets back to the job in hand (or mouth).
From down below, she gasps that it's that time of the month. So fucking what, thinks I, I'll just blow my beans down her gullet and be off into the night.
Then she whispers the accursed words:
"Would you like to fuck my arse?"
Oh well, since you've asked nicely, pet, I think I will. She strips off as I shed my clothes and my dignity together. All I can hear in my head is "Thar She Blows" by Steel Panther, but the wood is good, so I don my wetsuit and bang it up her wrong 'un.
She loves it.
I love it.
She asks me if she is a dirty bitch. Of course, say I.
"Tell me" she begs.
I call her all manner of insulting nastiness, I'm on a roll. I slap her arse, nice and hard. Sweeeeet.
We move to her waterbed, with a pitstop for some lube. She's loving it.
Suddenly she asks if I've ever shagged anyone who was on the rag.
Erm, yeah, of course I fucking have, it doesn't bother me, not my sheets that get painted. In fact, my first 3-some with 2 birds was with one who was up on the blocks, and I ended up pulling the jamrag out with my teeth and diving in like Count Dracula on a stag night. Not that I tell this girl, fuck no. The ming when I parted her arse cheeks was bad enough......I actually said out loud the words "Aaaahhhh, Bisto!". Her minge was worse, it reminded me of Creosote. But, what the hell, I swapped party hats and plunged in.
She groaned and bucked, I rode the waves. She wanted it harder, I banged away, trying to keep my eyes focussed on the bedside cabinet. Whenever my gaze dropped, it was like a sniff of vinegar, bringing me back to reality, she looked like a whale being hoisted onto a Japanese factory ship. Only with a big smile on her face. Ew.
Soon enough, I realised that Billy Mill roundabout was approaching and it was time to tip the dirty concrete. The gruesome fizzog beneath me would look much better slaked with my muck, I thought, so I pulled out, told her to man the pump, and let fly.
She was caked. My legs buckled, she seized the opportunity and pulled me down towards her, for a kiss. I was knackered, taken by surprised, I found myself face down in my own goo. I'm held in her death grip, helpless.
Well, gradually the grip loosened enough for me to disengage, she gets cleaned up and sits there smiling at me like a fucking window-licker. She still had jizz in her moustache.
"Would you like to come round and teach me another lesson sometime soon?" she ventured.
So what do you think I fucking well said?
What the fuck is wrong with me?
It's like this.....
I have been corresponding with a nice young lady online, and we met the other night "for a drink and a chat". Now, I realise that when a woman says she is "curvy", she's probably a tad overweight, but this woman was a MOOSE. Me, being the perfect gentleman, didn't simply accelerate away in a cloud of tyre smoke. No, I fulfilled my obligation, had a couple of non-alcoholic drinks, and made small talk, just like a civilised human being.
She had been married for 20 years to some poor sod who only ever got the horn once in a blue moon, and finally ditched him just before Christmas. She was fizzing for a shag.
I have been trying really hard not to hump anything that crosses my path, so decided to give her a lift home and make my excuses and leave. We got to her modest ground floor flat and she offered me a coffee. Why not? Can't do any harm, can it? I don't fancy her, it won't be a problem.
Inside I sat down on the sofa. Ah, very nice, she perched demurely next to me; I turned to her, expecting to be asked if I want milk and sugar....
BANG.....she launched herself at me like something out of Alien, my face was engulfed. I floundered, gasping for air, vaguely aware of my car keys tumbling from my grasp. She was gasping too, no, panting, like a rhino on heat. I touched something, I have no idea what, I just knew it's a part of her. She trembled, groaned. Terrified, I realised I was getting wood.
"Can I suck your cock?" she enquired, politely.
Boiiiing!! I whipped it out and she chowed down. This gave me time to think, plan my escape. The thing is, I know I'm being dragged in, my resolve is crumbling.
She surfaced and whipped off her top. It's horrendous, although she's a big lass, her tits are like a couple of poached eggs, plonked onto a big slab of ham. This is most disconcerting, I was expecting massive jugs. Oh well, she gets back to the job in hand (or mouth).
From down below, she gasps that it's that time of the month. So fucking what, thinks I, I'll just blow my beans down her gullet and be off into the night.
Then she whispers the accursed words:
"Would you like to fuck my arse?"
Oh well, since you've asked nicely, pet, I think I will. She strips off as I shed my clothes and my dignity together. All I can hear in my head is "Thar She Blows" by Steel Panther, but the wood is good, so I don my wetsuit and bang it up her wrong 'un.
She loves it.
I love it.
She asks me if she is a dirty bitch. Of course, say I.
"Tell me" she begs.
I call her all manner of insulting nastiness, I'm on a roll. I slap her arse, nice and hard. Sweeeeet.
We move to her waterbed, with a pitstop for some lube. She's loving it.
Suddenly she asks if I've ever shagged anyone who was on the rag.
Erm, yeah, of course I fucking have, it doesn't bother me, not my sheets that get painted. In fact, my first 3-some with 2 birds was with one who was up on the blocks, and I ended up pulling the jamrag out with my teeth and diving in like Count Dracula on a stag night. Not that I tell this girl, fuck no. The ming when I parted her arse cheeks was bad enough......I actually said out loud the words "Aaaahhhh, Bisto!". Her minge was worse, it reminded me of Creosote. But, what the hell, I swapped party hats and plunged in.
She groaned and bucked, I rode the waves. She wanted it harder, I banged away, trying to keep my eyes focussed on the bedside cabinet. Whenever my gaze dropped, it was like a sniff of vinegar, bringing me back to reality, she looked like a whale being hoisted onto a Japanese factory ship. Only with a big smile on her face. Ew.
Soon enough, I realised that Billy Mill roundabout was approaching and it was time to tip the dirty concrete. The gruesome fizzog beneath me would look much better slaked with my muck, I thought, so I pulled out, told her to man the pump, and let fly.
She was caked. My legs buckled, she seized the opportunity and pulled me down towards her, for a kiss. I was knackered, taken by surprised, I found myself face down in my own goo. I'm held in her death grip, helpless.
Well, gradually the grip loosened enough for me to disengage, she gets cleaned up and sits there smiling at me like a fucking window-licker. She still had jizz in her moustache.
"Would you like to come round and teach me another lesson sometime soon?" she ventured.
So what do you think I fucking well said?
What the fuck is wrong with me?
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