A personal conundrum on domestic abuse..

[guitarsjb]

I was gonna toss this in the Platinum section, then I realized there are a lot of folks I don't know there too..so here it is.

I'm really trying to keep this short..

The bass player for the band I was in, was one of my best friends. We've been jammin/hanging out for years. He starts dating one of my best friends. They have a volatile relationship, about once a month they leave each other etc. Keep getting right back together.

Finally (please know this is really the Cliff notes version) she shows up on our doorstep BEATEN. I don't mean punched a couple times..I mean BEAT. One eye swelled shut, the other one damn near that way, hand prints on her face and neck. Busted/swollen lips.It was terrible.

That night, we call her mom, she comes and get her. Next day she comes back here, files charges on him. Then she went back home with mom, said she wouldn't be back..

This put me in between 2 friends. I honestly would not have ever thought he did it if I didn't see it.

Of course..I took her side. What he did was wrong. I don't care what the circumstances are, it was wrong. He could have tossed her out of the truck, locked her out of the house whatever..but the beating he gave her was wrong.

Of course...she went back. Now, I wholeheartedly don't get this..but I know it happens all the time. She asked me to forgive him, because she did. I told her I couldn't do that yet. I have not spoken to him since this happened and have no plans too. She told me now that he is getting help and it will never happen again. I don't buy it. From personal experience.

I truly did love him like a brother. And it kills me to turn my back to him. But, I can't get the imagery out of my mind of how she looked and knowing he did this. I just can't. I have NO USE for him. He's a chicken shit asshole to me. I refuse to be in the same room with him.

Well, they are getting married soon!!! Like probably within 2 weeks. She asked me to be her maid of honor.

Uhmm...NO...that is just not something I can do. I cannot stand there and witness her marrying a man that I think is a worthless piece of shit. Her kids have refused to come to the wedding, saying if they did, they were gonna beat the shit out of him. (this..I understand..)

This is just wearing me out. I love the hell out her. I used to love him like a brother. To see it come to this is just taxing to the soul.

But why can't anyone understand that I refuse to have anything to do with this mess? I won't go to a club I know he's at, and I damn sure ain't going to the wedding.

Sorry just venting..but this is really bothering me!

[Spivonious]

Wow Jeri, that's a tough spot to be in. I completely agree with you, and am really surprised she went back to him. I hope, for her sake, that he really has changed.

[horns666]

Jeri..I don't think anyone here knows this stuff better than I. This is NOT your fault and totally out of your control. This WILL happen again. Relationships like this are very common and they always get worse ..it's a vicious cirlce. Right now he's sorry..romance..the make up sex..telling her everything she wants to hear..promising her he'll nevr do this again. Then he will before she recovers from this beating.

If and when this does..if she comes to you..call the police ..or at least a Domestic Violence shelter..so he don't come charging and kicking in your door for her..

we will talk more about this. But she must make this decision. Even if she got a TPO (Temporary Protection Order) against him ..it wouid be void the minute she returns to him.

At this point she can't call the police just to "scare" him because the laws have changed due to this very scenario. The detectives will follow up and prosecute even if she begs to drop charges. If she hounds the police once the invest is going ..she could be charged herself with obstructing official business.

Before the victim was required to sign a misd complaint statement. Not anymore. now just a simple cpomplaint to a visibly battered person is good enough for an arrest or warrant.

I would talk to her mother without their knowledge or maybe someone else other than you can do the right thing without compromising personal relationships.

I'm thinking if it is THAT bad. Maybe you should call the local police. If they see her..they're just going to grab him and throw him in the can. He would catch a DV case no matter what.. if that happends. Mandatory 6 months, or more if serious physical harm was dome..then it would be felonious assault.

We will talk,

I gotta blow out some candles now..one candle..I hope I have enough air for that shit!

your bro,

Bill Z

[horns666]

She doesn't have to make this decision. Something such as a shelter can..or hospital. They must report to the police. That's all it takes. In fact all you had to do was encourage her to go to the hospital..the ER sees enough of this to know she didn't fall down the steps. They'll contact police and the wheels would be in motion without one ounce of involvement from you..

Keep this in mind sis..

In fact you can call a womans shelter and state you case. You don't have to give your name, but that'sd all they deal with..and prolly give you even more insight than I. All I ever did was arrest and handle thousands of Domestic Violence cases..I did a few follow ups in court. But the Detectives do the follow up/grand jury packages..for prosecution.

But YOU NEVER called the police..your hands are clean, and you did the right thing. Just encourage her, even by deception to go to the hospital..tell her to tell them she just had an "accident"..they know better...but you don't...if you know what I mean.

[guitarsjb]

Billz...she filed charges. Now even if she does drop them, the state will (should) pick them up.

I just don't get how she can want me to be ok with this. And expect me to come to the wedding..uhm..not happening. How to you get that across to someone?

[markD]

sadly, you can't. i had a female friend in the sme position. she ended up being stabbed 14 times "because she got pregnant"....at least that is the "reason" her boyfriend gave for his actions. he is in prison; she and the baby died. it is disgusting, but in my friend's case, she lacked self-esteem - always did - and thought he was the only man that would ever "love" her. we all tried so hard to help her. it was the endless rollercoaster like you are talking about. it was devastating, but we (CASA, SPPD, legal system, friends, family) could never get through to her.

[LouSiffer]

This is something I never understood. A woman gets attacked by " the one she loves" and goes back. As a former officer like Bill, I can say, this happens all the time.

I have been called to domestic scenes where the woman is clearly beaten, she is claiming he beat her...... and once the cuffs go on him, she attacked me for arresting him ( drunk, white-trash logic I guess ).

State laws very, in Ohio ( unless something has changed in tha last year or so ), this would not be considered domestic violence since they are not married nor do they have a child together.

That being said, the state may not pickup charges. Even if they do, if she does not show up for court, they will more than likely be dropped.


Regarding your friends logic, women have a unique ability to forgive alot of shit...... and I do mean ALOT!!! Especially if their heart overrides their brains. It is tough being in your position. I think if your friend really values you and your opinion, I would tell her this: " I can not be in your wedding. I feel it is an environment that is not safe for you and if I partake in this ceremony, it is like I approved what I fear will happen again and again. However, if you decide to go through with this and this behaviour continues, my door will always be open to help you and you are always welcome to come in. "-Lou

[Vass]

People forget pain and remember pleasure. It's a survival instinct wired in us. Hell, do you think women would have more than one child if that wasn't the case?

She was happy, and she wants to go back to that "happy" place and forget bad things happened. She can convince herself that it was all worth it. Hell, we can all convince ourselves of anything.

You'll do what you have to do and make the decision you have to make. You don't know me from Adam but do me a favor and remember this one thing: You do not really know this man. You do not. Be very, very careful, because when push comes to shove, he is not a good man. You got to find that out without personal harm to you. Consider yourself lucky.

You have been warned every bit as much as his girlfriend has.

I hope she figures out what's what. Human nature being what it is she probably won't. Again, you don't know me so my opinion is not worth much, but if you asked for it, I would suggest you get far, far away. That's not being a bad friend. That's recognizing you can't help here and this guy was never the person you thought he was. Cut him loose.

[horns666]

Oh boy...she filed?! Well that's it then..It's him VS the State no matter what she says. In fact, they have alot of domestic violence case workers that will encourage her ..possibly with other battered women. That could be very influential...the outcome can come out different now.

Just be a friend..to both. I'm mean you are. Let them cry on your shoulder. But try your best to APPEAR nuetral. Actually the least contact..the better at this moment. Because you could be caught in a real shit sandwich..with the best of heartfelt intentions.

I know you...and I been in those shoes a few times. Two women wanted to have sex with me..just because I was their man's very good friend. Ooooohhhhh Nooooooooooooo...both talked my ears off and then popped the "let's get together" shit. As a huge F U to my friends..they wanted to use my pud as a scud missle to obliviate my life along with theirs...WTF??!! Why do they do this??? One had big boobies..and the one told me I ..well it was nasty..and tempting...but that's ..EVIL!!!

That's what kinda shit..well maybe not like that..but who knows. Emotions are high and people are weak..

Hey man they are your friends, sure but all this drama is their baggage. He fucked up and took it too far. She did the right thing and filed. It's out of your hands. Just be a "friend"..that's all you can be.

If the mutual freindship is compromised by such poop..then you must draw the line.

I don't have ANY mercy for putting hands on a women..except if they're holding a weapon to kill my ass. Then I would just stop them, and not try to hurt them. Hey man, I know he's like a bro..but fuck that..that just wrong. Even if he caught her in the act in a full blown orgy. Be a man, and walk..NEVER beat a woman for a godamn thing!

You'll be OK..she'll be OK..and even he'll be OK..but he's prolly goin' to the grey bar motel for a little while. So things, plans, agendas can change..day to day..

Done't sweat it Sis..just encourage her to stay safe and be a friend..

This does truly suck ..but remember it could be worse, and nobody wants that!

If you wanna talk..we can always talk.


BillZ

[horns666]

Vass is a very wise man..he's a really good dude. He's much more ummm...less cynical, bitter and poopy than I am. But he's straight up and very insightful..

Bill Z Bro

[DRM]

Do I need to kill him?

[sully]

Two things:

1. Jeri, you're handling this the way that you should.
2. Bill, great to see you back.

Sully

[horns666]

Wow..that's weird..I only saw Vass' post when I responded. I didn't see Mark or Lou. Wassup fellas??!!! ...LOOOOOOUUUUUUUU!!!!

Yeah man..abused women..it's like a love/fear/powertripped/indebted/enslavement thing..it's a major epidemic!!

I think women of poverty do it for secuity sake..which is ironic, because they're far from secure. I dunno..they take an ass beatin' for a roof..cable TV..drugs..booze...cigs..sex..their kids..all of the above and ect.:think:

Wassup Sully..saw ya on youtube..you really kick ass man. I'm not registered, so I can't leave comments and whatnots. But I enjoy your stuff..even painting your living room!!!

Let Dave kill 'em all and let..ummmm...ahhh just fuggums..

Good to see you Dave..hey man, that girl you were with at that park...nice...nicey...nice!!

[DRM]

Good to see you Dave..hey man, that girl you were with at that park...nice...nicey...nice!!

Thanks, Bill. It's good seeing you again. I love reading your posts for a good laugh. I'll pass the compliment on to her...I'm sure she'll appreciate it. Especially coming from a man who's posts generally revolve around his genitals or fecal matter...sometimes a combo of the two.

[horns666]

Thanks, Bill. It's good seeing you again. I love reading your posts for a good laugh. I'll pass the compliment on to her...I'm sure she'll appreciate it. Especially coming from a man who's posts generally revolve around his genitals or fecal matter...sometimes a combo of the two.

Let me share one of my favorite stories..by Leopold Butterscotch...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TQwox_cAt04