A personal conundrum on domestic abuse..

[lerxstcat]

Jeri, you're doing the right thing. I bet she is marrying him suddenly because they figure she won't have to testify against him, since she did file charges. But her testimony won't matter if they have her initial statement and pics of the damage, at least I'm fairly sure of that. Bill and Lou would know if this is true, I am sure they see this pattern all too often.

If the dude says he's getting help, that's one thing, but he is no good to be in a relationship until he HAS figured out how to control himself and not do something like that again. They are both asking for it to only get worse, and a wedding ring ain't gonna fix what's broken there.

I have to ask, is this why you left the band, or is it unrelated?

[atomic charvel guy]

where i grew up, if you hit a girl, you might as well move to Iowa or any other place far away.
i don't know what was worse, the beating from the girl's brothers and brother's friends or the label
on the person that hit the girl. No cops, just justice delivered by the ones close to the girl who got hit.

[Shawn Lutz]

I haven't read the responses so forgive me if this has been stated. I just didnt my opinion to be changed by any of the replies.

She should leave him and leave him now, forgive him but get the hell out of the relationship. Chances are the next time (and you can count on there being a next time) it will be worse and she may end up dead with him in prison.

I have no patience nor an ounce of respect for anyone who beats a woman. I would have a hard time being a friend with a spose beater. If I was friends with one and this happened I would tell him I think he's a PoS for his actions, totally wrong and he should be sitting in a jail cell right now. Chances are he wouldnt want to be my friend anymore and the feeling would be mutual....

[shreddermon]

We had something similar happen a few years ago with one of my wife's best childhood friends. The friend essentially wigged out irrationally, and bailed on her marriage at the time. She went from a semi-bad situation to worse. And then to rock bottom. The last guy she ended up living with had multiple kids from multiple ex-wives and girlfriends, in multiple states. He was a deadbeat dad, had prior criminal issues, and was an all-around loser. And he was CLEARLY a wife-beater.

But the friend still wanted us all to hang out, and accept him in our group of friends like best buddies. After the initial meeting at a party, we were immediately scared for her. It only took that first impression for us all to see it plain as day. Much as my wife tried to talk to her friend (many times), and help her see the reality of this loser, she wanted to hear none of it. She heard this from us, other friends, and family. Repeatedly.

Eventually my wife and I agreed that we had to cut off all contact with her until this loser was out of the picture. That was possibly one of the most painful things my wife has ever done. They had been very good friends since childhood. But it was EXACTLY the right thing to do. And she made it perfectly clear to her friend that HE was the reason why she had to do this. Of course, we would be there for her if she needed help. But that was all. We could not enable her rationale for staying with this horrible loser. After losing almost all of her friends and family for this reason, she STILL refused to see the reality of ths situtation. ...I'm over-simplifying this all, but it was clear the friend was on a bad path, and one that would eventually end very badly in domestic abuse. And that's EXACTLY what happened.

Luckily, her father flew in from out of state, kicked the loser out, put him on a train from where he came from, and made it very clear that this was the only option for him (if you know what I mean). Unfortunately, we found out much later and too late to salvage the friendship. She now lives out of state, is a single mom supporting a child from this loser, and has little contact with her old friends back here. Probably making the same mistakes there, too.

[guitarsjb]

I am done with him. I quit calling him friend that night. I haven't spoke to him since, nor do I intend to , well he did IM me once on myspace and I basically told him that I fuckin hate him and want nothing to do with him.

She seems to think I will change my mind with time. I won't.

I cannot go to their wedding, being there would mean I agree with them getting married. I think he's only marrying her to try and keep his ass out of jail. I'd love to be proven wrong, but I've never seen a woman beater change.

She sent me an email a few minutes ago, asking if I would please be there..etc, etc, etc...how important it is to her..I hate to hurt her, but I can't partake it this stupidity.

Grrrrr...sorry, it's just been a rough few weeks with all this.
Thanks for all the comments/support/etc. You guys are great.

[Cygnus X1]

Chin up, Jeri.

Link her up to this thread.
All good advice here.

[shreddermon]

I know it's easier said than done, but don't feel guilty for this. You are doing the right thing. And, as twisted as it may seem in the moment, not actively being her friend is an attempt to HELP her. In a way, accepting the relationship and her denial of the truth of the situation would be a form of enabling the abuse.

Ultimately, she is the only one who can help herself. Her own choices will determine that. You can only try to help guide her to the path of seeing that.

[lerxstcat]

You're doing the right thing, Jeri. Hard as it may seem to cut her off, she has to see how serious you are about this. And you don't need to put yourself through the process of watching her get beaten again. Let her know that until she's done with him, you are done with her, for your own self-preservation. That you can't watch the pattern develop of again and again, beatings and apologies and making up. Drill it into her head that you realize what an ugly road she is taking.

And then if she still insists on this road, drop her with a clear conscience. She's been warned.

[dg]

Sorry you have to go through this, Jeri. We've been going through something similar with my wife's best friend & her husband. He started with some verbal abuse, threats, & intimidation a few years into the marriage, then it got worse & worse. She finally called the cops after he choked her & threatened her with a gun, but they're back together. He's in court-ordered counseling, but I don't hold out much hope of it working. It's such a shitty thing to deal with. We don't want to cut ties with her, but it's so hard watching her keep going back. You definitely should not go to that wedding, and you shouldn't feel guilty at all. Going means you approve & give it your blessing. You can still love her & be supportive without doing that.

[toejam]

You're doing the right thing, Jeri. If she can't see what's wrong with the situation, then it's her problem and she's got to deal with it and that loser. He needs his ass kicked big time, more than once, then maybe it'll sink in what he's done is wrong.

[Sunbane]

Kudos to you Jeri, for standing your ground.
I agree completely with the stance you've taken.

That piece of shit didn't just abuse his girlfriend; he also abused the trust of all her friends and family.

[JACKSONFREAK]

I agree. Kudos Jeri. Try all you can to persuade her not to marry this guy. He will do it gain and again and some day she may not survive the beating. Sorry to say But if hes already beat her that badly without remorse he will most certainly do it again to a further extent each time. Thinking she doesnt get the message so he beats her more and more to get his point across. Kind of like a drug addiction you need to do more of the same drug to get the same effect. Good luck and let her know some how her life could be in danger.
Gil