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So you are thinking about having kids. They look cute. You are showered with unconditional love. Its exciting watching their personalities bloom through their early years. I am going to let you in on the biggest secret kept by people who have kids from people who don't have kids: YOU ARE ONE STUPID MOTHER F#(&ER TO HAVE KIDS!!
Now, I have 3 of the little darlings: Jazz ( 10 ), Zakk ( 9 ) and Jaxx ( 2 ) ...cool names , huh? I love them to death, but, let me tell you what to expect that no one else will tell you.
1: Forget having a life. Simple as that. Now, my situation is a little more severe since my nearest relative is a 3 hour round trip away. Finding a decent babysitter for a fair price on a weekend is impossible unless you have family near by that are willing to do it.
2: Sleep is a luxury in the early years. When they are infants, they usually do not sleep well. Around the 18-24 month marker, they have figured out how to get out of their cribs and into everything else. You must be on them like white on rice.
3: You will never have anything nice. Nope. Forget it. It is impossible. This is for 2 reasons:
The first is the fact you can not afford it unless you are lucky enough that you and spouse are making mad cash. Day care, diapers and doctors visits are expensive. If you are in the middle class pay scale, you will scrape by if you are lucky, unless, you drink tap water all the time and everything you buy is generic in brand.
The second reason is because the little demon spawn will destroy it. My 2 year old, Jaxx, has thus far destroyed a PS3, an Xbox 360, a Blu Ray player, 2 remotes to the Wii, a digital camera and 1 laptop. It is from not watching him and being an irresponsible parent. It is that 2 year olds have the speed and stealthiness of a Ninja Assassin. Their sippy cups are like throwing stars...of which they do great damage with a great deal of accuracy. Electronics do not like it when the lids bust off the childproof sippy cups and ooze milk all over them. The lap top met an early death due to said sippy cup was hurled at such velocity by Demon Spawn Jaxx, that it shattered the screen.....but, the cool thing is, it hit the back of the screen...not the front. Little fuckers have the ability to throw a 40MPH curve sippy.
Your car, SUV or in my case, my lovely F150 Lariat Super Crew, will start to get stinch of spoiled milk and piss. I didn't know leather seats could trap a smell such as these, but, rest assured.....they can.
If you haven't been convinced yet to NOT have children, let me tell you how today went. I am only going to give you the 3 highlights of the day. You probably would believe me if I told you what I go though on a day-to-day basis.
The littlest spawn, Jaxx, decides he wants to wake up at 4:30AM. He also decided that Daddy should get up too. He crawls out of crib, pushes crib near baby gate ( he is very strong for a 2 year old.....crib has wheels, but, is on medium pyle carpeting ) and uses crib as a step stool to vault himself over the baby gate in his room. This gives him free access to the house.
He comes straight to my room and instead of just waking me up, he had a special morning surprise for Daddy. He takes his hand and stuffs it into the back of his diaper. He now has a handful of shit with the consistency of peanut butter. He takes said shit and shoves it up my nostrils and into my mouth. This wasn't an attempt, but, a completely successful mission of which had me in cmplete shock. And it wasn't just a little that got into my 3 orifices...it was ALOT!!
So after I get done cleaning myself with liquid Drano, AJAX and a toilet brush, I get him cleaned and ready for the day. Later on, he decides its nap time ( Around 10:30 AM ). I put him back in crib, went to the couch and laid down while watching TV. I wake up to him standing on top of the end table with no diaper on....pissing on my head.
At this point, 2 thoughts have come to mind : 1: Daddy translated in toddler speak means "toilet". 2: My day can not get worse than this.
Wrong!
As he is a big fan of Cailliou, he will not watch or do anything else when he is in the Cailliou mood. I have 10 episodes recorded on DVR. After the 2nd round of watching these cartoons, I dozed off with my head tilted back and mouth open. He found an old, dirty fork from somewhere that I am convinced he had hidden like a prison inmate and a shank just for special occasions like this. He takes this nasty utensil and shoves it in my mouth and pokes it through the skin in the roof of my mouth. I have been washing with mouth wash and salt water to try and avoid an infection.
Now, if you are debating on having kids at this point, please, re-read this post.-Lou
Now, I have 3 of the little darlings: Jazz ( 10 ), Zakk ( 9 ) and Jaxx ( 2 ) ...cool names , huh? I love them to death, but, let me tell you what to expect that no one else will tell you.
1: Forget having a life. Simple as that. Now, my situation is a little more severe since my nearest relative is a 3 hour round trip away. Finding a decent babysitter for a fair price on a weekend is impossible unless you have family near by that are willing to do it.
2: Sleep is a luxury in the early years. When they are infants, they usually do not sleep well. Around the 18-24 month marker, they have figured out how to get out of their cribs and into everything else. You must be on them like white on rice.
3: You will never have anything nice. Nope. Forget it. It is impossible. This is for 2 reasons:
The first is the fact you can not afford it unless you are lucky enough that you and spouse are making mad cash. Day care, diapers and doctors visits are expensive. If you are in the middle class pay scale, you will scrape by if you are lucky, unless, you drink tap water all the time and everything you buy is generic in brand.
The second reason is because the little demon spawn will destroy it. My 2 year old, Jaxx, has thus far destroyed a PS3, an Xbox 360, a Blu Ray player, 2 remotes to the Wii, a digital camera and 1 laptop. It is from not watching him and being an irresponsible parent. It is that 2 year olds have the speed and stealthiness of a Ninja Assassin. Their sippy cups are like throwing stars...of which they do great damage with a great deal of accuracy. Electronics do not like it when the lids bust off the childproof sippy cups and ooze milk all over them. The lap top met an early death due to said sippy cup was hurled at such velocity by Demon Spawn Jaxx, that it shattered the screen.....but, the cool thing is, it hit the back of the screen...not the front. Little fuckers have the ability to throw a 40MPH curve sippy.
Your car, SUV or in my case, my lovely F150 Lariat Super Crew, will start to get stinch of spoiled milk and piss. I didn't know leather seats could trap a smell such as these, but, rest assured.....they can.
If you haven't been convinced yet to NOT have children, let me tell you how today went. I am only going to give you the 3 highlights of the day. You probably would believe me if I told you what I go though on a day-to-day basis.
The littlest spawn, Jaxx, decides he wants to wake up at 4:30AM. He also decided that Daddy should get up too. He crawls out of crib, pushes crib near baby gate ( he is very strong for a 2 year old.....crib has wheels, but, is on medium pyle carpeting ) and uses crib as a step stool to vault himself over the baby gate in his room. This gives him free access to the house.
He comes straight to my room and instead of just waking me up, he had a special morning surprise for Daddy. He takes his hand and stuffs it into the back of his diaper. He now has a handful of shit with the consistency of peanut butter. He takes said shit and shoves it up my nostrils and into my mouth. This wasn't an attempt, but, a completely successful mission of which had me in cmplete shock. And it wasn't just a little that got into my 3 orifices...it was ALOT!!
So after I get done cleaning myself with liquid Drano, AJAX and a toilet brush, I get him cleaned and ready for the day. Later on, he decides its nap time ( Around 10:30 AM ). I put him back in crib, went to the couch and laid down while watching TV. I wake up to him standing on top of the end table with no diaper on....pissing on my head.
At this point, 2 thoughts have come to mind : 1: Daddy translated in toddler speak means "toilet". 2: My day can not get worse than this.
Wrong!
As he is a big fan of Cailliou, he will not watch or do anything else when he is in the Cailliou mood. I have 10 episodes recorded on DVR. After the 2nd round of watching these cartoons, I dozed off with my head tilted back and mouth open. He found an old, dirty fork from somewhere that I am convinced he had hidden like a prison inmate and a shank just for special occasions like this. He takes this nasty utensil and shoves it in my mouth and pokes it through the skin in the roof of my mouth. I have been washing with mouth wash and salt water to try and avoid an infection.
Now, if you are debating on having kids at this point, please, re-read this post.-Lou
Theres some ups and downs and they'll test your patience and see what they can and can't get away with, once they know that they're pretty cool 
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