( to be contined due to these freaking tablets, touch screen and auto correct errors. )
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I am an evil bastard and there is a special place in Hell for me!
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The 3 year old, I love him to death. He is many times more mischevious, curious, rotten and mean as a normal 3 year old. Part of it is in his DNA I am sure ,but, the other issue is that he is not given parameters. . . . He is allowed to make his own. Now, you are thinking why the fuck arent I stepping up and putting my foot down. I did that once. I spanked him. . . . with my hand and just hard enough to be an attention getter. The wife went off and said if it happened again she would call the cops. Now, this brings us into another chapter of my life. . . . . .
I used to be a cop back in the late 90s up until early 2000. The mother of my other 2 children had just moved into her own place. I was working many doubleshifts as she couldnt keep a job due to her fiery attitude. I came home off shift one night as I was sick and caught her fucking some other dude..... Literally fucking HIM!! This guy is bent over a chair and she is ramming this dildo up his ass. I didnt even care as my only goal was to not shit or puke on myself from the flu I had....and this visual was not helping. The dude she was boning leaves her as he thought she was going to let me have custody of the kids. I went by her house one evening after shift to check on her and the kids and to use her digital camera to take a pic of a pre- serialized Charvel EVH II I had just scored. She goes off on me as she seen my cell phone ringing with some girls number. She asked me to get back with her and I said no. Then she started slapping me, hitting me, clawing me, I just grabbed my guitar and left. 6 hours later, local PD is beating on my door and said she filed a report and said I abused her. They seen the marks on my face and noted she had none anywhere. This involved me losing my job and many court dates as the Domestic Violence Coalition tried to make an example out of me.
So I am timid when someone threatens to call the police and tell them I was engaged in an act of domestic violence. This is why the 3 year old gets away with murder.
There is one piece of good news that happened in this time frame, I am boning the MIL again!! Yup, she caved. She came to my house when she knew the wife wouldnt be there. She said that she knew I was as miserable as she was and that if we got to eat shit to keep the family together that we should at least have some happiness. I agreed. Humpy days are here again!!
My house is out in the country. I can still get to a McDonalds in 3 minutes ,but, I am surrounded by woods, trees, hills, horses and farm land. I can sit on my back porch naked with a Beam and Coke inone hand shooting a pistol with the other and know one would know any different. We throw big cookouts there for the whole family and our friends due to the amount seclusion and room we have. We also have a BBQ pit and a niceley seated area with a fire ring. We had a family party one day and things were going well.
The MIL decided to get a little brave. I was out in the barn moving some hay bales around for the horses when she walked in. She walked over and hugged me and told me she loved me then dropped her pants and bent over some hay. Keep in mind about 50 yards away is our entire family. We could see them through a crack in the barn. This must have really turned her on as she was getting all creamy. After we did our thing she dropped down and gave me an oral cleansing. I noticed she still had her pants.pulled down and had her hand down by her cooch. She lifts it and I see it is full of goo. She does what any real woman does. . . . She sticks right in her mouth. One of the many reasons I am in love with this woman!! I look over and see one of my horses staring at my dick and he leans his.head over the stall for a.closer look and then back at me. At that point in time, I swear we could read each others minds. HIS : You call that a dick?! I have a dick MINE: Laugh once you fucker and you are guitar glue! HIS: Yes, I know this, but, wait till you leave fucker.
( continued )Last edited by LouSiffer; 11-21-2011, 02:59 PM." I do not pay women for sex. I pay for them to leave after the sex ". -Wise words of Charlie Sheen
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( continued )
The MIL leaves the barn and I swear that fucking horse was rolling around laughing. She has a cooch and mouth full of vaj juice and my swimmers. She is heading into the house to go to the restroom and the father in law come walking out of the house. He grabs and plants one right on her cock sucker. I smiled. That is what you get for touching my woman. Now, I know I am sounding possessive of the MIL.. . . and I am. She is my wife, sort of. More on that later.
The sun is starting to set and I have been making my special margaritas for some time now. The women are getting looped. I head back out to barn to do a few things and the aunt decides she wants to go to the barn and see the horses, too. She carries her margarita with her and I can tell she is buzzing. We get into the barn and I started to do what I needed when she reached out and hugged me. I had no intentions of what happened next ,but, next thing I she kissed me on the mouth. It wasnt a grab you and passionately attack you kiss. It was more like an aimed for the cheek and hit the mouth instead kiss. But, neither of us pulled away. My hands went straight on that little bubble butt of hers, buried my fingers in the crack and squeezed. She was wearing those stretchy sweat pants that are tight around a girls ass. We kissed for a minute and I pulled her pants down and bent her over the same bail of hay I just tuned the MIL on a little earlier. At first thought , I was ashamed as I truly am in love with the MIL. On the other hand, doing two sisters in the same day that are family member has to carry bonus points somewhere.
I get the aunt bent over and looked at the snatch. My God!!! It was one of the most beauriful sites I had ever seen. Itooked like one of those Playboy pussies. There wws no left and right differencrs. It was perfectly symmetrical. It looked finer than a bookmatche 5A quilted maple top on a Les Paul!! The horse is looking at me. I can read his mind again. HORSE: How the fuck does he do it?? My horse found a new level of respect for me that day. I mounted her and did my business. She tells me I dont need to pull out. Go team Lou!! Well, wouldnt you know it, she flipped over on the hay bail and I get back in it and she the tells me she loves me. She digs her finger nails in my back and bites into my neck. For me, this is like kicking a horse with stirrups. I was doing a Hail Mary and going deep. This goofy bitch climaxes amd lets out this big moan/yelp. Everyone hears it and there was a few second pause before anyone moved. I dropped the yogurt in her and put my wang back in my pants. She pulls.her pants up and is in shock and k.ows we are about to be busted. I tossed her onto some hay hay and knocked a couple bales over near her. I have always been a fast thinker and
fortunately, she was a quick learner. By the time people show up to the barn, I was already picking her up and the bales of hay. They put 2 and 2 together and made sure she was okay. She bent over to pick up her glass and I noticed that she had this huge wet spot in her crotch. It was getting dark so noone would notice outside. Before everyone left, she timed it so we would both be alone for a few minutes so she could throw her arms aroundmy neck and kiss on me. She told me that when she said she loved me, it wasnt a heat of the moment thing. She said she really was in love with me. So, of course, I said I meant it, too. What the hell have I got myself into??
( continued )" I do not pay women for sex. I pay for them to leave after the sex ". -Wise words of Charlie Sheen
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( Continued )
I feel its only fair to tell you a little about my MIL and FIL for my MILs sake. The FIL is a great guy. However, like many people, he has his quirks. He rules his house with a backwards way christianic thumb. The MIL did not know a man could help cook, clean, etc until I came along. My FIL is very straight laced and until the last year or so, scoffed at me because I like to drink and smoke. My MIL always had to act the way he expected. I come along with a completely different personality and a more open way of thinking. I treated my MIL like a person and didnt force her to conform to my wants.
She decided she wanted to go to Vegas. The FIL wants no part of this, surprisingly. The MIL keeps bringing it up. Eventually he somewhat gives in. He tells her she can go if she finds someone she can go with. The MIL offered to help me and the wife pay for the trip if we go. So we are off to Vegas.
The first day there those two were overwhelmed by all the sites and whatnot. I was tired and went to bed early. The next day we all explored Vegas and had a good time. The third day there, the wife and MIL went out to the pool. The wife found these fruity drinks they served that she fell in love with. I still dont know what they were, but, she obviously didnt realize that these were loaded with booze amd pretty much passed out by the pool. She wakes up and is absolutely baked. Dumbass had no sunscreen on. It wasnt hospital bound bad, but, she has no pain tolerance and she was confined to her room the rest of the night and the next day until we flew out in the evening.
The MIL and I decided to make an afternoon/evening of it. She got blitzed!! I have seen her loopy,but, nothing like this. We are walking up and down the strip and she keeps telling me all the things a guy likes to hear. She says she wishes she was married to me. How she would give anything for that to happen. Then it dawned on us. We went to one of the instant wedding places and did a faux wedding. We are drunk as shit and leave the wedding. She starts referrong to herself as Mrs."my name". I do truly love this woman,but, I just cant stop banging her sister. That pretty pussy is an addiction.
As we are walking around, we go into a tattoo parlour. We warch some people get some ink done. She says she wants to get a tattoo. I about shit!!! I reminded her that if the FIL sees it, she will have hell to pay. She insisted. She talks to this girl and says they need to go somewhere private. Her and the girl go back into a room and she tells me to stay put. I am sitting there, sobering up realizing this is a really , really bad idea.
The girl comes out and says she wants you to come back now. For some reason I feel like I have been waiting in an ER. I have no clue what I am in for. She is sitring there in her underwear. She looks up at me with this child like grin and pulls the front of her panties down. In hot pink ink is my name tattooed right above her pussy. Not only is her husband going to shit that she got a tattoo, he is going to implode when he sees my name tattoed on her pussy. WTF was she thinking!?!
I am trying to not show my concern as she apparently is extremely proud of what she did. She gets dressed and we leave the parlour. She is talking about she thinks we should just come out and tell everyone about us. I was drunk ,too. While it sounded like a great idea to me at the time, I knew it was wishful thinking. The other thing I was worried about was what was going to happen to her when she sobers up tomorrow. She is going to shit!! We go back to her room and we spent the.rest of the evening humping. I woke up early enough to go back to my room ,which, smelled like fried bacon.
I get a text in the morning from the MIL. The wife says she was staying in the room as she felt like shit due to sunburn. On the way to the MILs room, I am thinking I am going to get blamed for this somehow. She is laying in bed naked. I asked her how she felt. She said she was fine. I asked if she remembered last night. She said she did. I asked if she remebered getting a tattoo. She did. Whew!! At least she knows this wasnt my idea. She said " I told you I loved you and I meant it " . I then asked how she was going to get that by the FIL. She said that he hasnt made out with her in over 10 years, she doesnt know why he would start now. She said that she intentionally had it put there as she could grow her pubes back and no one could see it. She said " I wanted you to know how serious I am about you ". Well, we went to brunch and went to another tattoo parlour. I felt it was only fair I return the favor. I had her name inked on me in Katakana. It is easy to seeand she is the only person that knows what it means.
( continued )" I do not pay women for sex. I pay for them to leave after the sex ". -Wise words of Charlie Sheen
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Originally posted by tonemonster View Postsounds like a book/movie deal to me.Originally posted by emperor_black View PostHBO series. Lou the "Stiffer"Originally posted by tonemonster View Posthell yea, or a HBO soft porn B movie deal at the very least.
Lou: "The Aristocrats!"
"Quiet, numbskulls, I'm broadcasting!" -Moe Howard, "Micro-Phonies" (1945)
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I smell sushi.."Bill, Smoke a Bowl and Crank Van Halen I, Life is better when I do that"
Donnie Swanstrom 01/25/06..miss ya!
"Well, your friend would have Bell's Palsy, which is a facial paralysis, not "Balls Pelsy" like we're joking about here." Toejam's attempt at sensitivity.
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If this tale ends with " I pulled up to the house about seven or eight and I yelled to the cabbie 'Yo homes smell ya later', I looked to my kingdom and I was finally there, to sit on my throne as the Prince of Bel Air", I will kill LouSiffer.So I woke up,rolled over and who was lying next to me? Only Bonnie Langford!
I nearly broke her back
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Originally posted by LouSiffer View PostShe looks up at me with this child like grin and pulls the front of her panties down. In hot pink ink is my name tattooed right above her pussy."clean sounds are for pussies" - Axewielder
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Actually RSmacker, the way this thread is going I am expecting it to end the story with........ so there I am having a wild threesome with the MIL and Aunt and as I am watching them pleasure each other, I reach over and grab those lottery tickets I got when I bought the marguirita stuff and as I scratched off the last number, I couldnt believe I had won $100,000"clean sounds are for pussies" - Axewielder
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