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Haven't been around for a while, just when you think shit doesn't get any worse, it gets worse.
So 2011, truck broke down, so i got a car to hopefully get better gas mileage, got fucked over on that car for 5 grand then lost my job (in the same week). Have had to sell most of my guitars and shit to stay afloat this year while looking for a job and doing side work. Eventually lost my place cause rent was draining me dry and i ran out of shit to sell. That sucks and all but others are going through a lot of shit too, so i say suck it up, shit can be gotten back ect so suck it up don't whine and be happy right.
Well in Oct. i was told i have cancer.
I don't know what to say other than that. Don't know why i'm even saying it, I mean when you hear some random person say that you think "shit that's fucked up" and really what can you say. Basically your thinking "glad it ain't me" then when it IS YOU it's like, ..well, This is fucked up! lol.
I don't know, but anyway things went really fast from that point on and i was on the table within 2 weeks. One of my worst fears too (surgery) ..i just hate hospitals and shit and luckily have never had any issues in my life till now, for that i am thankful. Even now the docs say i have the metabolism of a marathon runner, ask me if i am athletic or exercise and stuff, and i'm like, um no not really in fact, i despise it. Work is enough exercise for me, lol.
But anyway, the ironic thing is before finding out, i wasn't convinced that the universe was done shitting on me, just had that feeling. You know that one, when you are usually right...
But anyway the surgery went well, and was less scary to me especially when they gave me them killer drugs, which i guess i was all raving about when they gave it to me, and after surgery when i woke up first thing i asked for was more of that stuff. Which they gave me and then i asked for more, and they gave it to me, haha, i had the best nap ever. All i wanted to do was go back to sleep, so it was like two hours later that my family had to wait after they said i was out of surgery so i could take the best nap ever, lol.
I remember being woken up by a nurse and them all freaking out that my heart rate was really low. Which at least in my mind (i don't know if the words came out) but i was like go away, i'm all good, i'm just reaally relaxed, hahah. My heart rate was at 39, and my normal was around 49 anyway - so that's why the doctor asked me if i exercised a lot.
So all that shit kinda brings some things into focus (sorta) in the disarray of it all anyway. I have been playing guitar a lot, thinking about the things one ever wished to accomplish in life and procrastinated on ect ect, seems writing some music without the giving a shit if it's this or that or what the rest of anything thinks or trying to be something different than what i am. It's liberating. Just going to write shit and let it be what it is.
At 41 getting beyond that thinking "is this good at all?" "should it be better?" "It's shit!" all that and let what comes naturally flow is liberating.
Wish i had come to that conclusion sooner, woulda been much more happy in playing music in my life i think since i always let that control my playing or writing. It was exhausting and really not fun at all overall.
So i guess i'm saying in that respect, just let what comes naturally come out and you'll probably be much happier if your struggling with that like i was. Just doing it is the thing... for anything for that matter.
Anyway, i still have some shitty choices to make there's still some stuff to take care of and i have to choose either Chemo or Radiation, Shitty, how bout neither?? Can i pick that?? Eh, but The Good news is that they have said while always risky, i have a good recovery rate but for the rest of my life it will be something that's part of my life to check keep up on and watch out for.
So Fuck 2011, happy to see it go, this shit will spill into 2012 but i'm looking at it as a new year and will try to let this shit roll off my back.
So that's that, happy seasons ect ect... oh and thank god for weed.
So 2011, truck broke down, so i got a car to hopefully get better gas mileage, got fucked over on that car for 5 grand then lost my job (in the same week). Have had to sell most of my guitars and shit to stay afloat this year while looking for a job and doing side work. Eventually lost my place cause rent was draining me dry and i ran out of shit to sell. That sucks and all but others are going through a lot of shit too, so i say suck it up, shit can be gotten back ect so suck it up don't whine and be happy right.
Well in Oct. i was told i have cancer.
I don't know what to say other than that. Don't know why i'm even saying it, I mean when you hear some random person say that you think "shit that's fucked up" and really what can you say. Basically your thinking "glad it ain't me" then when it IS YOU it's like, ..well, This is fucked up! lol.
I don't know, but anyway things went really fast from that point on and i was on the table within 2 weeks. One of my worst fears too (surgery) ..i just hate hospitals and shit and luckily have never had any issues in my life till now, for that i am thankful. Even now the docs say i have the metabolism of a marathon runner, ask me if i am athletic or exercise and stuff, and i'm like, um no not really in fact, i despise it. Work is enough exercise for me, lol.
But anyway, the ironic thing is before finding out, i wasn't convinced that the universe was done shitting on me, just had that feeling. You know that one, when you are usually right...
But anyway the surgery went well, and was less scary to me especially when they gave me them killer drugs, which i guess i was all raving about when they gave it to me, and after surgery when i woke up first thing i asked for was more of that stuff. Which they gave me and then i asked for more, and they gave it to me, haha, i had the best nap ever. All i wanted to do was go back to sleep, so it was like two hours later that my family had to wait after they said i was out of surgery so i could take the best nap ever, lol.
I remember being woken up by a nurse and them all freaking out that my heart rate was really low. Which at least in my mind (i don't know if the words came out) but i was like go away, i'm all good, i'm just reaally relaxed, hahah. My heart rate was at 39, and my normal was around 49 anyway - so that's why the doctor asked me if i exercised a lot.
So all that shit kinda brings some things into focus (sorta) in the disarray of it all anyway. I have been playing guitar a lot, thinking about the things one ever wished to accomplish in life and procrastinated on ect ect, seems writing some music without the giving a shit if it's this or that or what the rest of anything thinks or trying to be something different than what i am. It's liberating. Just going to write shit and let it be what it is.
At 41 getting beyond that thinking "is this good at all?" "should it be better?" "It's shit!" all that and let what comes naturally flow is liberating.
Wish i had come to that conclusion sooner, woulda been much more happy in playing music in my life i think since i always let that control my playing or writing. It was exhausting and really not fun at all overall.
So i guess i'm saying in that respect, just let what comes naturally come out and you'll probably be much happier if your struggling with that like i was. Just doing it is the thing... for anything for that matter.
Anyway, i still have some shitty choices to make there's still some stuff to take care of and i have to choose either Chemo or Radiation, Shitty, how bout neither?? Can i pick that?? Eh, but The Good news is that they have said while always risky, i have a good recovery rate but for the rest of my life it will be something that's part of my life to check keep up on and watch out for.
So Fuck 2011, happy to see it go, this shit will spill into 2012 but i'm looking at it as a new year and will try to let this shit roll off my back.
So that's that, happy seasons ect ect... oh and thank god for weed.
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