Guitar Jokes Thread

[len]

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What do you do when your band needs a new guitarist?

Order a pizza.

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What's black and blue and laying in a ditch?

A guitarist who's told too many drummer jokes

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How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?

Twenty. One to change the bulb and nineteen to say, "Not bad, but I could've done better".

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WHY GUITARS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN
Guitars don't get pregnant.
You can play your Guitar any time of the month.
Guitars don't have parents.
Guitars don't whine... unless you want them to.
You can share your Guitar with your friends.
Guitars don't care how many other Guitars you've played
Guitars don't care how many other Guitars you have.
Guitars don't care if you look at other Guitars.
Guitars don't care if you buy Guitar magazines.
You'll never hear, "Surprise, you are going to proud father of a new Guitar" unless you go out to buy one yourself.
If your Guitar is flat you can fix it.
Your Guitar doesn't care if you never listen to it.
Your Guitar won't care if you leave up the toilet seat.
You don't have to be jealous of the guy who works on your Guitar.
If you say bad things to your Guitar, you don't have to apologize before you play it again.
You can play your Guitar as long as you want and it won't get sore.
You can stop playing your Guitar as soon as you want and it won't get frustrated.
Your parents won't remain in touch with your old Guitar after you dump it.
Guitars don't get headaches.
Guitars don't insult you if you're a bad player.
Your Guitar never wants a night out with the other Guitars.
Guitars don't care if you're late.
You don't have to take a shower before you play your Guitar.
If your Guitar doesn't look good you can refinish it or get new parts.
You can play your Guitar the first time you meet it, without having to take it to dinner, see a movie, or meet its mother.
The only protection you have to wear when playing your Guitar is a decent thumb pick.
When in mixed company, you can talk about what a great time you had the last time you played your Guitar.

and last, but not least:
If you decide to part with an old Guitar, you don't have to give up half of everything you own.

[Carbuff]

I was thinking I could just take some drummer jokes and replace the word drummer with guitarist, but its just not funny.

[Jayster]

Right on Len,

A long time ago(circa 1983), I met this cat from Texas who moved into my nieghborhood and he introduced me to playing guitar. We'd hang out and drink vodka shots, like kids do... BUT, he turned me on to music that I'd never been around before.

Sure, I experimented with my folks albums and everything.I dug the shit outa Frank Zappa and the mothers, but most of the other things I could 'grasp' from their collection - well it wasn't all that. However, y'all go ahead and rip on me... I like Gordan Lightfoot, Jim Croce, and Aerosmith.


But. When My boy from TX showed up... He told me some important truths(that, never will I forget)






1. It doesn't matter how shitty you feel or play, tomorrow - the guitar will be right there for you(exactly where you left it).
2. It will never, ever get jealous of any'fucking'thing.
3. No matter how far down you've let yourself go, it will still love you like a puppy.
4. MOST IMPORTANTLTY ~ at least for me: I find a way to express my emotions through it, no matter if I'm pissed or sad!




Aight:

Q: What happened when the drummer locked his keys in the car?
A: We had to break the window to get him out...

[Rsmacker]

Bloke goes to a music teacher to learn to play Bass guitar, having been given one as a surprise gift and never having played before.
First week, he learns how to play Dum-dum-dum-dum-dum on the string at the top.

Second week, he learns how to play Dum-dum-dum with a little de-de-de on the string below thrown in here and there, thus: dum-dum-dum-de-dum-dum-dum-de-de-de-dum-dum-dum...

Third week, he doesn't show up for his lesson.
Nor the fourth week.
Nor the fifth. Nor even the sixth.

Seventh week, he turns up at the teacher's place with his Bass.
"Where've you been?" says the teacher.
Bloke replies "On tour..."

[LouSiffer]

Dave Mustaine said in his book that drummers and bass players are the most replaceable people in a band. If you read his book and how many times the drummer got replaced and the manner in which a replacement was found, you would have to believe this is true.-Lou

[Richard W]

What do you call someone who hangs around musicians?
A drummer

[QuantumRider]

Q: How do you get a guitarist to stop playing?

A: Put a piece of music in front of him.

[Special-K]

Why do guitarist have drumsticks in their car on a visible spot?

-So they can park in the handicapped zone.