Bass player needed (ROFLMAO)

[Scooter]

A friend found this on CL and sent it to me, I had to share:

http://austin.craigslist.org/muc/3115741996.html

[Scooter]

Just in case it disappears:

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Texas Country Band Seeks Functioning Alcoholic to Hold Bass

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Date: 2012-07-03, 2:50AM CDT
Reply to: [email protected] ^{[Errors when replying to ads?]}

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We are an established Texas Country band looking for a functioning alcoholic who can hold a bass.

A little about us:
We've been at this about five years now, have a couple albums out, a couple singles that have done well on the Texas charts. We play primarily around Texas, a few out of state runs every few months.

Pay is industry standard for a middle level country band, and by the show.

Your responsibilities would be: you stand on stage with a bass. You don't fall over. After the show, you don't vomit in the van. On the night of a typical show, you are not in prison, and thus able to stand on stage and hold a bass. Some of you have asked if you would actually be required to play notes on said bass. The answer is, no. We've experimented with this in the past, and it created a number of problems. We recognize that having a five piece country rock band with no bass is a bit suboptimal, but we're realistic enough to know you don't always get exactly what you want. In fact, any sort of familiarity with the bass, or, more generally, music, is actively discouraged. Much as one would not distract one's designated driver by a donning a hat made from an empty bud lite case and screaming in their face will driving down an interstate, so too do we think it unwise to present the distraction of playing music to one who ought to be focusing on his core competency; i.e., standing on stage holding a bass, without falling over.

Pro gear is optional. Any gear at all is, in fact, optional. If you own something that might be a bass, we can work with that. If you don't but have access to something like a broom or a large piece of cardboard, we'll take you into consideration. If you think a bass cabinet is the closet you store your bass in ... hit us up.

We've had some inquiries asking if there is any "wiggle room" on the "functioning" part. In this context, "functioning" means: A) you have two hands; and B) you can remain vertical for 90 minutes on a typical Thursday, Friday, or Saturday evening, sometimes as few as 45 minutes, occasionally as long as 120 minutes; so, after some consideration, we're going to have to say that, no, we are going to have to remain firm on the "functioning" aspect of "functioning alcoholic." Apologies.

Thanks, and we look forward to hearing from you.

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PostingID: 3115741996

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[javert]

lol

[Ward]

That was awesome. Thanks for a good laugh.

[Rsmacker]

Bollocks, that's me out then.

[tomanyjacksons]

I think I've played with their old bass player.

[RD]

A few other GEM's hahahahaa

Hi. Im 20 years old, I play guitar, bass, keys and drums and do lead vocals but cant do all that at the same time so Im looking to start a band. Thers no other music like what I write out there, so Im not going to bother listing influences when Im only influenced by myself. Im going to be doing the lead vocals, and the guitar too so I just need bass and drums at first. I might decide we need keys later on, but for now all I want is the rythem section. All the music is original, and I already wrote most of the parts but not all of them yet, so be patient until I get it all together and show you what to play. Since this is gonna be my band, I need to make it clear upfront that Im the boss...Ill take your suggestions into consideration, but dont cry like a baby if I dont decide to do what you want. Ive been in bands before that couldnt handle my profesionalism, and didnt want to work hard toward the same goals, so I think one person needs to be in charge, and that person is me. No drinking, no drugs, no cigarettes and no women at practice. I dont want anything distracting me from the creative process and dope smoke and women do that pretty well so NO WAY! My band is going to be a well oiled machine with pro ers and be dedicated, without all the insults and disrespect to the band leader like the last time. If you want to be the drummer, you have to be GOOD , have PRO double bass gear the more drumes the better, and provide our practice space ( and it has to be nice,, not some dump in your moms basement).If your the bass player, you have to be GOOD, have PRO gear and provide a PA cause I dont have one yet. If the drummer has one, all the better your off the hook. We can work out rides to practice if everyone dioesnt have a car, or I could supply gas money sometimes, but not fill the tank. Ive paid way more in gas than I ever had to , and only bitched about it a few times, so I wont just give money away. Im holding auditions starting tomorrow after 5, unless youre a drummer then we can do it at your place so you dont have to take down your drum set. I might need a ride to wherever yo ulive, but thats just the cost of auditioning. I dont know yet id I want a second guitar player, cause sometimes theyre distracting to what Im playing, and if Im the frontman/lead guitar, Id like it if everyone sort of knew their place and supported me while I bring down the house! Thnaks for reading, and reply back if youre interested in being in the best band around, with the most talented people in Omaha right now!

remember:

No drugs
no alcohol
no old people
no women ( at practice, you may have a gf tho)
NO bad attitudes or egos that are easily damaged. I can be firm, but Im usually right about whatever it is, and you'll come to see that soon enough. Trust me, Im gonna lead this band into huge, but we all have to be on the team, and realize that IM the quarterback

Thanks

[RD]

My name is Izakia, I am early 30s and I have been playing bass mainly for my satanic praise band for about the last five years which I plan to keep doing until Satan tells me to stop. I am just trying to see what is out there for players like me. I would consider myself an Satanic player. I am looking to join up with a new band or an established one. Something Demon friendly would also be great. I am not looking to go gigging right away but it is a goal that I have. I am very dependable and very established in my faith in Satan and would like band mates who are not afraid of Satan as well. I believe that it is not all about talent but using what Satan gave you for His evil kingdom and He will do the rest. Please contact me if you think I would be a good match for you and we can see were Satan leads. Thank you for you time and your interest. I also know my way around sound equipement as well.
And if you are looking for a good vocalist my concubine is a better singer then I am a bass player. We would like to join a band together.

[tomanyjacksons]

Damnit, the idiots have computers now. Funny shit RD!!!!!

[MikeStrat]

The scary part is they're probably being serious. They sure aren't growing them any smarter these days. That is some funny shit though!

[Hellbat]

My name is Izakia, I am early 30s and I have been playing bass mainly for my satanic praise band for about the last five years which I plan to keep doing until Satan tells me to stop. I am just trying to see what is out there for players like me. I would consider myself an Satanic player. I am looking to join up with a new band or an established one. Something Demon friendly would also be great. I am not looking to go gigging right away but it is a goal that I have. I am very dependable and very established in my faith in Satan and would like band mates who are not afraid of Satan as well. I believe that it is not all about talent but using what Satan gave you for His evil kingdom and He will do the rest. Please contact me if you think I would be a good match for you and we can see were Satan leads. Thank you for you time and your interest. I also know my way around sound equipement as well.
And if you are looking for a good vocalist my concubine is a better singer then I am a bass player. We would like to join a band together.

Hahah. It sounds like they are still running one of Billz's old bass playing days ads. All it's missing is a section about a spot in the setlist for a pud solo.

[Nightbat]

no women ( at practice, you may have a gf tho)

"Oh thank you Great bandleader for granting me that privilege, but I guess it's a solid rule she has to be dumped if you suspect her psychologically distracting me, and with that the band's performance?"

[veemagic]

I think I may have played with that guitarist before. There can't be two crazies like that can there?

Awesome find Randy