The Asshole Has Landed

[tonemonster]

I go away for a few weeks and all hell breaks loose. Does someone want to catch me up on what is going on?

By the way, welcome to the dark side of the pond Smacker.

I will summarize. Smacker is courting a southern belle in the states, Tommy still has gorgeous hair and he and I are running for public office, Billz still eats newbies for breakfast with a side of marshmellow peeps, the cockdragon still reigns supreme, and of course, Ron StIl coRektS EvryWons GRamur anD spEliNG.

[bratfink]

The Cock Dragon is still number 1. Phew, all is well in the world.

Are we still arguing about Space Rape? Or has it been decided that we can no longer use that word and thus that design is now called "Space Abduction with Potential Molestation"?

Anyway, I thought Smacker was inextricably linked to Wilksy? Who is this Southern Hussy and has she been approved by the board (ToeJam)? And why hasn't Smaker been arrested yet, he's been here for at least 10 mins!

[Snoogans]

sure, man. All us outside the US do. Sweet Home Alabama, Deliverance and Tucker And Dale Vs Evil were all filmed way "Deep South" NY state, right?

No Gman, you got it all wrong. The "Deep South" is in NJ, where the famous good ol' boy Zakk Wylde comes from!

[atomic charvel guy]

Tone was exonerated of all accusations in trial yesterday, he retains his position.
Smacker and the 6 string Queen should both go on a bath salt bender.

[tonemonster]

I wonder if smacker is in jail. We haven't heard from him on a few days. He could be in jail or maybe he ran off and joined the carnival.

[Hellbat]

If I had to guess at a 'bad' scenario, I would tend toward ruptured colon or penile fracture.

[Rsmacker]

Nooooooo, fucking hell, every time I go out I suspect I'm being taken to get married, I know how you fucking Americans work, Drive-thru Marriages and the like. Well, I've decided it's safer for me to threaten to poo myself if any stunts like that are pulled, and she KNOWS I mean it.

Life's good, apart from the constant fear of being emasculated in some perverse ceremony (that's a wedding, any other perverse ceremonies, I am up for, totally). I spend the day lazing by the pool in the sun, "accidentally" exposing myself to shocked yard men and pool boys (think the pool boys recognised me from our surprise encounter last year when I thought they were burglars and chased them away, naked. I heard them saying "El Grando Scrotum" or something, I can't speak Dago. Honestly.) I've had some bored housewives round for drinkies by the pool, my little Beach Party Matinee, which went swimmingly, until a certain person got wind of it and sent her flying monkeys to brew up a storm and ruin my day.

Today, I'm going a-huntin' alligators. I have some special sliced meat as bait, and I'm going to get a fucking massive stick and Tarzan the bastards into submission. There's a lake just across the road which is apparently teeming with them. I've watched James Bond, I know what to do, just step on their heads. How dangerous can they be? Not like crocodiles, that's for sure. I think Alligators are Crocodiles' dim-witted slow cousins who got dropped out of their evolutionary pram. Everyone knows - don't fuck with crocs (or wear them on your feet, but that's another story), but you don't hear about dangerous gators do you? I'm going to bag me one.

Oh, and what's the deal with you bad tempered fucksticks on the roads? Jesus, can't a man temporarily lose concentration and find himself slightly on the wrong side of the road for a few moments without all the gesturing and swearing and gun waving? And why do I get into trouble for waving my porridge gun back at them? Fair's fair, I don't have a revolver. The nice lady Sheriff was sweet though, once she stopped screaming at me to stand still. In the UK, when Mr Plod pulls you over, the best course of action is to jump out of the car and stride back to see what the problem is (making sure you remove your seatbelt first, else you instantly confirm you are, indeed, drunk as a twat), but not here. Oh no, you have to wait for them to tool up and come and rough you up a bit. Not me though, I just turned on the best from the Leslie Phillips Book of Charm, told her how pretty her gunbelt made her look, and "Ding Dong", was on my way seconds later with nary even a warning. Try it boys, it's solid gold.

Right, back to browning my balls in the garden before setting off on expedition...

[Rsmacker]

Oh, and for fuck's sakes, nobody mention this to Wilksy Baby. He doesn't read my threads any more in case it spoils the surprise of any treats I have lined up for him, and thinks I'm hard at work saving for OUR holiday to some fleshpot in Thailand - he wants to try his luck as a ladyboy with others who are more critical than me.

[emperor_black]

"Tarzan the bastards into submission"

[tonemonster]

Now THAT is the smacker we all know.

[RacerX]

This just in!

[atomic charvel guy]

smacker is the one who's jaws are clamping down in that video, just in case none of you knew that.

[tonemonster]

No word from smacker??

[emperor_black]

sshhh!

[Hellraiser6502]

I sincerely hope he got arrested for his degenerate behavior and is now enjoying the company and 'hospitality' of some of America's best regular, 'hardened' jail-dwellers.

I AM CORNHOLIO!!!