Unsure how to respond to this...

[TommyD]

As some of you will remember,I made a post in Dec 2010 about an unexplained event that led to me having a fairly signifigant head injury (skull fracture with subarachnoid hemmorhage about the size of a nice grape).

My closest female friend Amy Jo was there when it happened.

Since then,I've worked hard to hold a job,but things happen and I've had a couple bouts with unemployment,but not from lack of effort. I'm behind on my child support as a result.

When I'm broke enough that I can't pay for my own shit,I stay home.

I stay home even more now because my ride blew up a year ago,don't have a vehicle of my own,but have access to one when needed,just not out joyriding.

Since the head injury came with extras,I've had occasional problems with headaches,2 periods of moderate depression (under control with medication),and have these zone-out spells at times where it feels like I'm asleep,but with my eyes open.

Fortunately,only once behind the wheel. I went from a red light,to a backroad under full control but when I snapped out of it I didn't know how I got there or remember the trip itself.

We hung out daily for years when possible,almost inseperable. We spent so much time together people thought we were together.

Slowly but without explanation,Amy at first and then her daughter Savannah started pushing me away,to the point where I didn't feel welcome. All of a sudden running inside jokes were no longer funny,they started making weird faces when I said something that wasn't to their liking,and stuff like that. We still talked on the phone and thru texts to keep up with current news,etc.

Even that started drying up,where I would go for days without getting a response to my texts,her phone going to voicemail,etc.

A couple weeks ago,Amy and her daughter deleted my girlfriend Lora off their Facebook account,and I don't have one.

Enough of my problems for a min. This is where things get worse.

Without going into detail,my dad was diagnosed with stage 4 esophogeal cancer on May 16,the day before my birthday. He had a huge operation,but never fully recovered,and now is within a couple days of dying.

At a time like this,I needed Amy,so Lora sent her a message on FB asking her to call me because the last number I had for her was disconnected.

She calls,and starts off by telling me she don't appreciate Lora sending her a message "telling" her what to do.

Then she starts in on why should she call me when my dad is dying because I wasn't there for her when her's died. I remember it happening,but no idea where and when. The only reason I wasn't was obviously because I couldn't get there.

I try to figure out where this is coming from,while barely getting a word in edgewise,and she says it's time we get this out of the way,and goes here.

She tells me that the reason she has pushed me away is because I disappoint her AS A MAN.

No job,no money,no vehicle,no house or apartment of my own,behind on child support,ad nauseum. She also adds in that she's tired of how I treat Lora,who's been around for 7 years and has no issues with how I treat her.

Then she tells me her cancer is back,and asks where have I been.

I'm shocked that she is saying these things,just doggin' me like I'm a worthless bum and want things to be like they are. I am calm about it,only because I'm speechless and confused.

I ask her how long have you been feeling like this,and she says about 4 years,which puts it right at the time of my TBI.

Then she cuts me off yet again and tells me she can't be around people like me anymore,that I need to "get my shit together",and that she loves me to death but can't have anything to do with me anymore,have a nice life,and hangs up.

I tried like hell to put it out of my mind after recovering from the shock,but she was back on my mind when the thunderclap headache came on STRONG,and added a new twist,a dull toothache-like pain in my shoulder to go with the neck stiffness. I went and laid down and it eventually went away.

I know the obvious solution is to cut her loose,but she moved to South Carolina recently so that's not a problem. I haven't deleted and blocked her new number (which changed recently and denied it during the call) yet,but should.

Lora says I've changed since the blow to the head,but nothing obvious enough that people I'm not close to should be able to notice,but I think maybe there is something to this.

I'm sill trying to make sense of this conversation,and wanna hear what you guys think.

Sorry for being long-winded,Tommy D.

[Larz]

This is tough to answer not knowing any of the parties, but it got me thinking. It sounds like there is a lot of stress on both sides here with the unfortunate life events that you all have been dealing with.

All I could offer was try to be understanding of her as it sounds like she is going through something horrible as well with cancer and a child's future to be mindful of and thoughts of mortality perhaps (not knowing the cancer severity). Her mind is probably all over the place and perhaps she is misdirecting her emotions at you without really intending to be hurtful. Sometimes people build a wall around themselves as they try and cope with something like the return of cancer after thinking they had beat it.

All you can do is reach out like you have, offer her support without seeming overbearing and see if you can both get back to being the friend that each other really needs at this point. I think the worst thing to do would be to really get confrontational with her.

Hope it all works out for the best.

[Mudlark]

Maybe express your feelings in a letter.
...if it's possible to get a letter to her, that is.

[straycat]

A very personal heart felt letter is a very good idea.
Don't dwell on the bad things just the good things you had together.
Tell her you hold no animosity towards her for her decisions.
Ask her to forgive you for things you did or didn't do.You don't have to believe you did anything wrong just saying that will help clear the air.
Good luck.

[Nightbat]

She tells me that the reason she has pushed me away is because I disappoint her AS A MAN
No job, no money, no vehicle, no house or apartment of my own, behind on child support, ad nauseum.

If I may be somewhat rude on a 'racial' note:

This is something that always struck me as the US' biggest problem
As long as you're on the ladder, people will hang on to you, but if you slip, they'll let go in fear of being dragged along
no matter how high you carried them up before


Tommy, if you cut ties or correspond back in any way, at least state the message that:
You had an accident, it fucked you and your life up
at least you're trying to fix things that happened by accident as best as you can, without putting the blame on others
and unlike her, you didn't purposely decide to disappoint someone

[Rsmacker]

Maybe express your feelings in a letter.
...if it's possible to get a letter to her, that is.

Or a turd in a Jiffy Bag.

Fuck her, I say, she's chosen her path, let her walk it.
I realise that might not sound very nice, but life's too short to be trying to win arseholes around. If she told me that I disappointed her "as a man" I'd fuck her sister, her Mum, her friends and if she's old enough, her daughter and see how she liked them apples. I'd also tell her she disappointed me as a woman and to get the fuck round and iron my shirts.

She's not worthy of another thought, don't waste time and energy on her, concentrate on the people who have stuck by you, like your girlfriend, and also on staying healthy and getting better. Dwelling on negative people can only have a negative impact on your health.

All that said, if one day she turns up on the doorstep with some drinks and an apology for being a bitch, accept them without fuss and don't look back.

I hope you recover health-wise and things get better for you all round

[Mudlark]

You may be right, Rsmacker.