Bill's New Home

[Endrik]

Bill, I'm just going to the post office, I'm sending you something, it should arrive in a couple of weeks.

[horns666]

Cool E..I like surprises..

it's not a chick right..my wife won't be cool with that!!

Bill

[lerxstcat]

Soap..I too have been going thru this "self worth" thing since I retired..I was a good Cop..and a proud man..with well..lots of authority..

I lost that job due to a severe injury..the injury not only forced my retirement , but "pain" has became my everday life..it consumes me....I also had thoughts of snuffing this pain..not only physically but mentally..

I can't..my family needs me..as much as they drive me nuts ..they are my world..I could never be that selfish..it's not all about me anymore..well since Vinny was born..it's really all about him..and then my wife..

I do whatever I can to put a smile on my face..financialy I'm still "OK"..enough to buy things to attempt put that smile on my face..my cds...my house...my toy Cobra..amps....but none of the above have put that smile on my face..I'm still very miserable and bitter..

Why..it's all just a mindset..one that I need to change..

You see I was programmed, trained and in tuned to people..their body language..I notice drug boys, stolen cars and well assholes in general..I still have that "chase and the catch" mentality with this shit..

I don't have these powers anymore..but I have the same mindset..I must change that..it's not my place to deal with people anymore..I'm trying to tune them out..and not let them ruin my day ..but how.

I never leave the house because of this..I don't know how to "let go"..I'm learning as we speak..it's an adjustment I must make so my family does not suffer anymore..

there is no more "trying"..I did that for 5 years..it didn't work..too easy for me to be bitter, pissed off and cynical..which is ruining my family's good time..I'm pissing on their and my own parade..

I should be happier than a pig in shit..I have been blessed with many things and time to enjoy these things..instead I wasted 5 years in bitterness and resentment..

I need to enjoy what's left of my life..if I think the pain is bad now...hell, 20 years from now I'll be begging for the current state I'm in..I'm must acknowledge this ..accept it..and make best of a bad situation..for the family sake..and mine

WE are fortunate to have that foundation..if it wasn't for them..you and I would just throw the towel..I know I would.

Take care Soap..I can relate to your frustrastion even tho our problems may vary a little..but we still both depend on the ones that need us for stability, and we need them..we should both count THAT blessing..

I listened to you and understand..and I just wanted to share this with you and that you are not alone..

What happened to us happened, it was in the cards..now we must make the best of it..or we will just continue to be miserable..

I'm sick of being miserbale..and I know you are too..I think alot of others here can relate to these trying times.

Take Care bro, and be strong!!

Yeah, you are 40..but you're still able bodied, and sharp..not me....I'm a piece of chewed bubble gum.

Bill

Bill, I know you need to step up for Vinny and Val, but you HAVE been doing that all along. A car wneh it brakes doesn't stop instantly, the brakes lock up and you skid (you're of an age that I don 't think anti-lock brakes were around yet - bear with me! )

From being on the hairtrigger of alertness every day, to being medically retired, is a huge change in life. Who COULD adjust to that instantly? 5 years is probably normal for something like that.

Your talking about your training reminded me of my time in Greater L.A.. I was not a cop of course, but coming from small town Mississippi I was worried about living in the big crime-ridden city. I was moving in with my brother who'd been there for several years already, and his advice was to always be aware of your surroundings. Look around, survey the area around your car as you approach it in the parking lot, look underneath it from a distance to see if it looks like someone's under or behind it.

People probably think this is paranoid, but in 19 years in L.A. and Orange County I never got jacked, despite having to go into some fairly bad areas.
Not Compton/Watts bad, I stayed the fuck out of there! But parts of Venice, Santa Monica, Santa Ana and West L.A. are pretty bad in their own right, mostly due to gang activity. Oh, yeah, I did have the good reflexes to avoid a drive-by when I heard them shooting saround the corner and dove behind my car as they rounded the corner. Had they seen me, I'd have been shot too. I had NO idea of looky-looing when I heard the sound of gunshots, especially since I was unarmed!

Okay, that was a big sidetrack, I guess my point was that I've kept up my guard back hoime, where crime was much less - until recently. A lot of our recovery workers moonlight as burglars and strong-arm robbers. Many of these guys didn't come in from out of state with the companies, they are transients who live out of their cars or even on the street. Crime is up and they won't tell usw the stats, but the FEMA trailer parks are ghettos and shootouts among FEMA park residents is a 2-3x weekly thing.

So now the fact I couldn't let go of my look around, lock the car door even when going in to buy gas, semiparanoid mindset, is a GOOD thing, because now those skills are in-demand again!

So Bill, cheer up man! Medical technology is alkways advancing, no telling what they'll come up with in the next 10-20 years - or even tomorrow - to solve your neck problem. Now the question would then become: How do you get the procedure done, but keep the lifetime supply of pain drugs? Now THERE'S a challenge for the policeman's mind!

[atomic charvel guy]

lerx,
I thought L.A. was a walk in the park after growing up in New York. and Orange County as long as you're on the coast is as safe as it gets if you ask me.

[atomic charvel guy]

sweet william will cheer up, i'll have to drop another phonecall on him, that was fun!!!

[lerxstcat]

lerx,
I thought L.A. was a walk in the park after growing up in New York. and Orange County as long as you're on the coast is as safe as it gets if you ask me.

True, and I usually lived in clean areas, but for example I lived in south Santa Ana at first. That's fine, but 17th Street from Main Street westward into Garden Grove gets ugly. In LA County Santa Monica was mostly nice, but between Pico and Santa Monica east of 11th street to the WLA line is the barrio and crackland. Ditto for much of Venice, though Marina Del Rey next door is very clean and safe.

Contrast to here, where my nephew left his door unlocked at his beachfront apartment, right across the street from Casino Row, for 3 years without incident, as I cringed and warned him many times. He never got robbed, so who was wrong? Of course that place was flattened along with most everything on the coast, so now we have lots of criminal transient workers and much more expensive rental rates now. But until Katrina changed everything, this place was pretty low in crime.

So yeah, compared to NYC I'm sure LA/OC is nothing whatsoever. Compared to a place where they didn't lock doors, it's high-crime. My point was that while I knew plenty of people who got robbed and jacked while I was out there, they seemed to be people who paid no attention to their surroundings. Crooks like to be up on you before you know they're there so they can surprise you. If they see someone inspecting his surroundings they pick someone who isn't to victimize.

[sevser]

While in LA (area) I was surpised how you could be in a nice neighbourhood and drive a few blocks and it's slum.

All in all I really liked it there though and left with a good impression of all the places I went to.

Seems everyone knows their place and keeps to their own area for the most part.

[atomic charvel guy]

Lerx,
don't get me wrong, there are really tough parts of L.A., but as long as you're not walking around like "oh boy , look at that big building over there" you're not a target. And Santa Ana is a huge drug spot, and it's also a beautiful place in some parts as well like Sevser says above about L.A.
When I think about it, you're really not safe anywhere anymore, but you can cut the odds down considerably by location.

[horns666]

Rich, I read your post three times..I love ya man..you get it...you always "get it".

Rich, Thank you..you're right!

Tommy, I'm cool..it was fun putting a voice to my Atomic bro..it matched perfectly..dude, with your gift of gab ..you could sell igloos to eskimos..

and with my wit, I could install glory holes in the igloos..talk about blue balls..mink ya!

Have a GREAT weekend dudes..and Emmy!!!

[sevser]

Hey...I just noticed my name has been changed back to the old handle of "Sevser"...I have been "Dave" for the passed few years, right? lol

This is Dave BTW!

[horns666]

Dave Sevser..Has a nice ring to it..

BTW..I was jamming with the boy yesterday..and damn I really dialed in the Uber..better than it ever sounded...Damn this amp ROCKS!!

[horns666]

...Hey you slackers..

wassup wit dat??!!

[Jack The Riffer]

Hey...I just noticed my name has been changed back to the old handle of "Sevser"...I have been "Dave" for the passed few years, right? lol

This is Dave BTW!

Dave's not here, man.

[horns666]

Guys, lend me your ears..

Well, today was another bad day...I just can't get my wife to assume some authority with Vinny..she gives into him all the time and always threatens him with idle threats and her trump card is "I'm telling your dad"..I hear that all day..while she does NOTHING to address his disrespect.

OK, I know my role is to be the "heavy"..but I don't want to be that all the time..I can't seem to convey this to my wife..

I walked all over my mom as a kid..I did whatever I wanted..I coudn't pull that shit with my dad..he'd beat my ass..

I know he didn't want to be the heavy either..he always said that..now I know exactly what he meant..

My wife is awesome and I love her dearly..and I know she loves Vinny..but she treats him like a buddy ..always have..she doesn't play the "mom" role very well..and he's just like me..he's a Zurlo..and I see him doing the same shit I used to do with my mom..and I don't like it..

Val doesn't want to be "mean"..so now I have to be the mom and the dad..the bitch and the rotten bastard..that does not make me very happy.

I've tried many talks with the both of them..they understand where I am coming from (so thery say)..but then go right back into their "roles" and routine..rigjht back into their corners.

I talked to my dad today..and well he shined alot of light on the matter that really hit close to home..literally.

He told me that I am pissing on a wet rope..Val is Val..your mother hasn't changed in 43 years and never will..and that I am the heavy..I was born to be the heavy and I will die the heavy..that is the cards I am dealt..so be it..

I just get so frustated and sad that it always has to be ME to yell, discipline and punish my son..I always look like the bad guy..

example today...Val wants to take Vinny to Cedar Point..an awesome amusement park with huge roller coasters..they love it..so Vin has his hopes up of taking off from school and having fun with mom..but me being the logical voice of reason had to pee on their parade because Vin just got his cast off his broken arm with two rods in it..it's still very weak and vunerable..the doc basically forbid this activity..but I'm the bad guy..he doesn't understand that I'm doing this for his own good no matter how I explain it to him..all he knows is dad is a prick..

Guys, I don't know what to do..I'm really feeling bad about this whole thing..I want to have some quality time with my son before he gets old enough for girls and friends and then he won't want nothing to do with me..

I know he loves his mom..but he does NOT respect her at all..I was the same way with my mom..and Val was 16 year old witness to this..she knows how I treated my mom..she had zero control over me..

My dad says it's too late..my mom hasn't changed, Val is Val..I am me..people are who they are you can't change them..

I must accept val for Val..and do the job I was made to do..whether I like it or not..I must accept this role even tho I feel terrible sometimes..like today..

I'm so frustrated..and well I guess my dad is right..he always is..and proved it today while all of us was talking to my mom..she denies all the bad things I've done..so my dad told me not to feel guilty of anything..because in my mom's world none of that stuff ever happened..and she really beleives that..

people are who they are..I am who I am..people don't "change"..we may get wiser as we get older..but we are who we are..

sometimes that really sucks!

[Emthrax]

BillZ... perhaps we can talk later, I have just a minute here.
Look, people can change, they can. Fuck the cards you've been dealt, you can make your own, man. You've gotta do what you've gotta do to be a good parent to Vinny, you are an AWESOME Dad to Vinny. Seriously, you are one of the coolest Dad's I know.

As far as your dear Val goes, yeah, you can talk until your blue in the face perhaps but I don't see how some change can't happen somehow.
Have you tried sitting down together as a family and discussing this?
I know you've recently been involved in doing some fun stuff with Vinny, and I think you should continue that. Some good son and pop time is important. It can help show him that even though you're perhaps "strict" you love him and respect him.
Since he can't go to the amusement park, offer him the choice of an alternative. Kids respond much better to that... if you have to take away one option, give them another. That way you still are the parent, but they can still have their fun. Does that make sense?

I hope this helps a bit... please call if you wanna chat! I've gotta run right now.
Luv,
Emmy