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My wife and I got to the show around 3pm because there weren't any bands on the 2nd stage we wanted to see. We met up with some friends in the beer garden during Slipknot's set; while the masked boys put on a good show, their music does nothing for me. Looks like Mick 7 is now an Ibanez boy too.
My wife and I soon realized we were not following the Ozzfest dresscode: our nipples were covered, we didn't wear backwards hats, our clothes actually fit, and our shirts didn't say **** Me I'm Fat. The most startling "body enhancement" had to have been the shirtless women with painted breasts and bellies. Stars, burts, rainbows, you name it. Along with floppy bunny ear boobies, kangaroo pouch guts...does anyone at this show own a mirror? I think there should be a questionnaire at the body painting booth:
1. Have you ever posed for Playboy? If not, please leave.
2. Do you have 3 more more fake teeth? If so, you cannot bear your breasts. Please leave.
3. Have you ever eaten hot wings, cracker jacks, and pork skins in one setting? If so, you cannot bear your breasts. Please leave. Now!
4. Do you refer to your significant other as "my ol' (blank)?". If so, please find your baby daddy and go straight home.
5. Do you use the words "prolly" "bolf" "acrost" or "liberry" on a regular basis? If so, please don't forget your Skoal on the way out.
On to the music:
BLS opened the show. Zakk, as usual, was a wailin' mofo monster. He sang some songs about beer, violence, beer, and played a million solos on his Les Pauls. AND HIS KICKASS NEW JACKSON V. Just like Randy's first white one with the pinstripes. The Jackson sounded a bit tighter and brighter than the Les Pauls. The He dedicated his performance to Randy. I give his performance and sound 5 fuckin' USA made Afghani and Iraqi ass kickin stars, motherfucker.
Next up, Superjoint Ritual, or Shark Sandwich as I like to call them. Any band with Phil Anselmo can't be very good IMHO. Hey Phil, can you babble on even more meaninglessly between the next 2 songs. We're not standing and cheering because we don't like you. The fat guitarists Splawn amp sounds as good as the Spawn movie. The other guitarist should be told that there's a bass control on the amp that can help cancel out all that hissy treble. He did play a badass Jackson RR, black with green bevels and pot leaf inlays, though. While I wouldn't call it the highlight of the SJR performance, an incident occurred that, to me, fit right in with it. A very very dirty guy (shirtless, of course), climbed into one of the spotlight towers and was doing his tweaker dance. Said dancer, reached into his pants, pulled out his dick, and wiggled it. For a really long time. Yes, my friend, I feel the same way about this band. Phil Anselmo ended the set by saying we should all eat pussy until our jaws are sore. Hey Phil , there's plenty of fine ladies at the bodypainting booth... I rate them 1 staph infection out of 5.
Next up DIMMU **** BORGIR. DAMN! Straight from the Norwegian version of hell. Facepaint, spiked leg covering thingamajigs, Jacksons... My kinda music. They sounded great and had a hellish performance to match. The bald guitarist played a gray Jackson KV, and the other guy played a sweet Jackson RR with a red, black and gray camo paint job. Now that's metal, kids. The bass player has a great almost operatic voice which he used on backup. The keyboard player simply frightens me. I wish they would have had longer than 30 minutes to play. But on the positive side, nobody near me whipped out their willy. They sang lots of songs abouyt, uh, evil, and stuff. Rating: 5 necrophilic systematic asphyxiations out of 5.
Enter Slayer. Tom Araya can just stand there and smile and the crowd will go nuts. These guys are untouchable. Super tight. Kerry King played a slew of new BC Rich guitars: a metallic red Warlock with grayish tribal flames, a flying V version with a different flame pattern and Beast headstock, a black 7 string tribal Warlock, and a dark gray marble with black tribal patterned V. Jeff Hanneman played ESP strat type geetars...camo, and some with black/white finishes that almost looked either splattered on or just applied randomly. Set mids to 12 and bring on the devil, Slayer is gonna tear **** up. Lots of old songs, a few newer ones, closing with Raining Blood. Rating: 5 fast polysyllabiv verses out of 5.
The. Priest. Is. Back. Getting old...note to Ian Hill, your skullet will appear on websites worldwide....but still rockin hard and riding free. They've done their share. They're working out. The sound quality was up a notch from all the other bands. Halford didn't start hitting the high notes until the 3rd or 4th song in. He's got an amazing mid and lower register (his VOICE...keep your minds out of the gutter) that's on par with his screaming. Rob changed coats a lot...leather, something that looked like Anton LaVey's velvet smoking jacket, more leather...Tipton and Downing tore it up. Tipton played his Hamers...the starbody and the skewed strat type version. Downing played a red Hamer V, and a black V, possible an ESP, with chrome V tips. So metal, so perfect. I've seen these guys a lot live, and they always deliver the goods. In a perfect Spinal Tap moment, KK, Tipton, and Hill stand next to each other and with their left hands on their own guitar necks, they used their right hands to pick the notes of the guy next to them for the Breaking the Law intro. Of course they had to play Living After Midnight and You've Got Another Thing Coming, so I left to grab a beer. Rating: 5 mechanical creatures ending in "-ellion" out of 5.
I met up with a few friends who happened to be hanging out with Andy Galeon and the short haired guitarist of Death Angel. We talked guitar gear for a bit; they're both really cool and down to earth guys. Apparently they played the entire Ultra Violence song at a few European festivals recently.
Black Sabbath. Note to Ozzy: please retire. For 1/2 of the set Ozzy was HORRIBLY off key. Everyone around me was cringing. He was hacking into the mic. It was a very very sad time for me. Then, during the song Black Sabbath, he sounded GREAT. Maybe his monitor kicked in? Maybe the sight of Bill Wards breasts scared him straight? At least they weren't painted... Then, during a break Ozzy starts to say 9! 9! 9! bla bla bla. 9 Ozzfests. Next will be a decade. Then the band launches into a song. He sounded so wasted. Nothing surprising in the setlist. The band sounded HUGE and aside from Ozzy, everyone else put in a great performance. Rating: 3 prozacs out of 5.
My wife and I soon realized we were not following the Ozzfest dresscode: our nipples were covered, we didn't wear backwards hats, our clothes actually fit, and our shirts didn't say **** Me I'm Fat. The most startling "body enhancement" had to have been the shirtless women with painted breasts and bellies. Stars, burts, rainbows, you name it. Along with floppy bunny ear boobies, kangaroo pouch guts...does anyone at this show own a mirror? I think there should be a questionnaire at the body painting booth:
1. Have you ever posed for Playboy? If not, please leave.
2. Do you have 3 more more fake teeth? If so, you cannot bear your breasts. Please leave.
3. Have you ever eaten hot wings, cracker jacks, and pork skins in one setting? If so, you cannot bear your breasts. Please leave. Now!
4. Do you refer to your significant other as "my ol' (blank)?". If so, please find your baby daddy and go straight home.
5. Do you use the words "prolly" "bolf" "acrost" or "liberry" on a regular basis? If so, please don't forget your Skoal on the way out.
On to the music:
BLS opened the show. Zakk, as usual, was a wailin' mofo monster. He sang some songs about beer, violence, beer, and played a million solos on his Les Pauls. AND HIS KICKASS NEW JACKSON V. Just like Randy's first white one with the pinstripes. The Jackson sounded a bit tighter and brighter than the Les Pauls. The He dedicated his performance to Randy. I give his performance and sound 5 fuckin' USA made Afghani and Iraqi ass kickin stars, motherfucker.
Next up, Superjoint Ritual, or Shark Sandwich as I like to call them. Any band with Phil Anselmo can't be very good IMHO. Hey Phil, can you babble on even more meaninglessly between the next 2 songs. We're not standing and cheering because we don't like you. The fat guitarists Splawn amp sounds as good as the Spawn movie. The other guitarist should be told that there's a bass control on the amp that can help cancel out all that hissy treble. He did play a badass Jackson RR, black with green bevels and pot leaf inlays, though. While I wouldn't call it the highlight of the SJR performance, an incident occurred that, to me, fit right in with it. A very very dirty guy (shirtless, of course), climbed into one of the spotlight towers and was doing his tweaker dance. Said dancer, reached into his pants, pulled out his dick, and wiggled it. For a really long time. Yes, my friend, I feel the same way about this band. Phil Anselmo ended the set by saying we should all eat pussy until our jaws are sore. Hey Phil , there's plenty of fine ladies at the bodypainting booth... I rate them 1 staph infection out of 5.
Next up DIMMU **** BORGIR. DAMN! Straight from the Norwegian version of hell. Facepaint, spiked leg covering thingamajigs, Jacksons... My kinda music. They sounded great and had a hellish performance to match. The bald guitarist played a gray Jackson KV, and the other guy played a sweet Jackson RR with a red, black and gray camo paint job. Now that's metal, kids. The bass player has a great almost operatic voice which he used on backup. The keyboard player simply frightens me. I wish they would have had longer than 30 minutes to play. But on the positive side, nobody near me whipped out their willy. They sang lots of songs abouyt, uh, evil, and stuff. Rating: 5 necrophilic systematic asphyxiations out of 5.
Enter Slayer. Tom Araya can just stand there and smile and the crowd will go nuts. These guys are untouchable. Super tight. Kerry King played a slew of new BC Rich guitars: a metallic red Warlock with grayish tribal flames, a flying V version with a different flame pattern and Beast headstock, a black 7 string tribal Warlock, and a dark gray marble with black tribal patterned V. Jeff Hanneman played ESP strat type geetars...camo, and some with black/white finishes that almost looked either splattered on or just applied randomly. Set mids to 12 and bring on the devil, Slayer is gonna tear **** up. Lots of old songs, a few newer ones, closing with Raining Blood. Rating: 5 fast polysyllabiv verses out of 5.
The. Priest. Is. Back. Getting old...note to Ian Hill, your skullet will appear on websites worldwide....but still rockin hard and riding free. They've done their share. They're working out. The sound quality was up a notch from all the other bands. Halford didn't start hitting the high notes until the 3rd or 4th song in. He's got an amazing mid and lower register (his VOICE...keep your minds out of the gutter) that's on par with his screaming. Rob changed coats a lot...leather, something that looked like Anton LaVey's velvet smoking jacket, more leather...Tipton and Downing tore it up. Tipton played his Hamers...the starbody and the skewed strat type version. Downing played a red Hamer V, and a black V, possible an ESP, with chrome V tips. So metal, so perfect. I've seen these guys a lot live, and they always deliver the goods. In a perfect Spinal Tap moment, KK, Tipton, and Hill stand next to each other and with their left hands on their own guitar necks, they used their right hands to pick the notes of the guy next to them for the Breaking the Law intro. Of course they had to play Living After Midnight and You've Got Another Thing Coming, so I left to grab a beer. Rating: 5 mechanical creatures ending in "-ellion" out of 5.
I met up with a few friends who happened to be hanging out with Andy Galeon and the short haired guitarist of Death Angel. We talked guitar gear for a bit; they're both really cool and down to earth guys. Apparently they played the entire Ultra Violence song at a few European festivals recently.
Black Sabbath. Note to Ozzy: please retire. For 1/2 of the set Ozzy was HORRIBLY off key. Everyone around me was cringing. He was hacking into the mic. It was a very very sad time for me. Then, during the song Black Sabbath, he sounded GREAT. Maybe his monitor kicked in? Maybe the sight of Bill Wards breasts scared him straight? At least they weren't painted... Then, during a break Ozzy starts to say 9! 9! 9! bla bla bla. 9 Ozzfests. Next will be a decade. Then the band launches into a song. He sounded so wasted. Nothing surprising in the setlist. The band sounded HUGE and aside from Ozzy, everyone else put in a great performance. Rating: 3 prozacs out of 5.
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