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This story came thru my email today, and I couldn't help but think of the JCF dudes when I read this. LOL!!
Some of you I think would actually try this. [img]/images/graemlins/laugh.gif[/img]
So here is the story (apologies if you've already read it)!
Bubba and The Tazer [img]/images/graemlins/popcorn.gif[/img]
My friends are fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be
something akin to, "hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!" Well, I have
outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story chronicled
in a LifeTime movie in the near future.
Here goes:
Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my
fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled. I had gone
into the Star Market to pick up some milk yesterday and I bought a
superball in the checkout line -- 50 cents.
What a bargain! It tickled my fancy--still does. That thing bounces soooooo
high, and it has provided me with hours of entertainment. It just doesn't
get any better than that, now does it?
I'm so easily distracted. That dang superball is so much fun.
So what were we talking about? Oh yeah, I bought something really cool at
Larry's Pistol and Pawn last Saturday. The occasion was my 50th birthday and
I was looking for a little
something extra cool. What I came across was a 100,000 volt,
pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip.
For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a
less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an
assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you
flee to safety.
The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect
on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety.
You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. tattooed assailant, push the
button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching,
whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in
action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!
I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no
stinkin' directions), I
found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arch
between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect.
I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a
metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and
forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to.
I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!!
Yipeeeeee . . . I'm easily amused. Okay, so I was home alone with this new
toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two
triple-a batteries, etc., etc.
There I sat in my recliner, my dog Molly looking on intently (trusting
little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Molly), and
thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood
target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Molly for a fraction of a second and
thought better of it. She is such a sweet doggy, after all. But, if I was
going to use this thing to protect myself against a mugger, I did want some
assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time .
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer
in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your
assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss
of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your
assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two
itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no bloody way!" Bloody
way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those
of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed.
I'm sitting there alone, Molly looking on with her head cocked to one side
as to say, "don't do it daddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such
a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking
under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?).
I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note:
You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so
obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so
right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and Holy F**king
Chit! DAMN!!!
I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me
up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over
again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples
on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked
under my body in the oddest position.
Molly was standing over me making whimpering sounds I had never heard
before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again
daddy, do it again!"
(Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of
caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself.
You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your
hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you
won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.)
SON-OF-A-BIAAATCH that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time
was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had
left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the
mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh
and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up
with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. +/- an ounce or two, I'm
pretty sure.
By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm
offering a reward. They're round, rather large, kinda hairy, and handsome if
I must say so myself. Miss 'em . . sure would like to get 'em back.
Yours Truly. Bubba
Some of you I think would actually try this. [img]/images/graemlins/laugh.gif[/img]
So here is the story (apologies if you've already read it)!
Bubba and The Tazer [img]/images/graemlins/popcorn.gif[/img]
My friends are fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be
something akin to, "hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!" Well, I have
outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story chronicled
in a LifeTime movie in the near future.
Here goes:
Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my
fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled. I had gone
into the Star Market to pick up some milk yesterday and I bought a
superball in the checkout line -- 50 cents.
What a bargain! It tickled my fancy--still does. That thing bounces soooooo
high, and it has provided me with hours of entertainment. It just doesn't
get any better than that, now does it?
I'm so easily distracted. That dang superball is so much fun.
So what were we talking about? Oh yeah, I bought something really cool at
Larry's Pistol and Pawn last Saturday. The occasion was my 50th birthday and
I was looking for a little
something extra cool. What I came across was a 100,000 volt,
pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip.
For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a
less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an
assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you
flee to safety.
The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect
on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety.
You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. tattooed assailant, push the
button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching,
whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in
action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!
I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no
stinkin' directions), I
found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arch
between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect.
I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a
metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and
forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to.
I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!!
Yipeeeeee . . . I'm easily amused. Okay, so I was home alone with this new
toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two
triple-a batteries, etc., etc.
There I sat in my recliner, my dog Molly looking on intently (trusting
little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Molly), and
thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood
target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Molly for a fraction of a second and
thought better of it. She is such a sweet doggy, after all. But, if I was
going to use this thing to protect myself against a mugger, I did want some
assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time .
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer
in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your
assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss
of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your
assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two
itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no bloody way!" Bloody
way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those
of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed.
I'm sitting there alone, Molly looking on with her head cocked to one side
as to say, "don't do it daddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such
a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking
under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?).
I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note:
You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so
obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so
right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and Holy F**king
Chit! DAMN!!!
I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me
up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over
again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples
on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked
under my body in the oddest position.
Molly was standing over me making whimpering sounds I had never heard
before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again
daddy, do it again!"
(Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of
caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself.
You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your
hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you
won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.)
SON-OF-A-BIAAATCH that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time
was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had
left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the
mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh
and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up
with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. +/- an ounce or two, I'm
pretty sure.
By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm
offering a reward. They're round, rather large, kinda hairy, and handsome if
I must say so myself. Miss 'em . . sure would like to get 'em back.
Yours Truly. Bubba
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