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I ran across this old letter a while back that I hadn't seen in years. I remember my Grandfather showing it to me and I always thought it was pretty funny. If your having troubles and need a laugh, read on and realize how good you've got it! [img]/images/graemlins/laugh.gif[/img]
Bulls Gap, Tennessee
September 17, 1937
The Bakersfield Company
St. Louis, MO
Gentlemen:
I just received your letter regarding the bill I owe. You say the bill could have been paid a long time ago and you cannot understand why it wasn't. Well, I will enlighten you.
In 1917, I bought a saw mill on credit. In 1918, an ox team and timber cart, two horses, a breech-loading shotgun, a wine tester, a 25 caliber Colt revolver and also two fine razorback hogs, all on that damned installment plan!
In 1919, the mill burned down and didn't leave a damned thing. One of my horses died and I loaned the other to a neighbor, and the sob starved it to death.
In 1920, my father died, and my brother was hung for horse stealing, a railroader knocked up my daughter and I had to pay $88 to keep the bastard from becoming a relative of mine. In 1921, my little boy got the mumps and they went down on him, so the doctor had to castrate him to save his life. Later I went fishing. The boat overturned and I lost the biggest fish I ever saw and two of my boys drowned, neither of them being the one that was castrated.
In 1922, my wife ran off with a circus worker and left me with twins for a souvenir. Then I married the hired girl to cut down on expenses, but I had trouble getting her to go off. I went to see the doctor and he advised me to create a little excitement about the time she was ready. That night I took my shotgun to bed with me and when I thought she was ready, I stuck the gun out the window and pulled the trigger.... My wife sh!t the bed, I ruptured myself, and also killed the best cow I ever had.
In 1925, I burned out and took to drinking. I didn't stop until I had nothing left but a Waterbury watch and kidney trouble. Then all I did for some time was to wind my watch and run to piss. The next year I decided to try again, so I bought a manure spreader, a Deering binder, and a treading machine, all on credit. A cyclone came and blew it all into the next county. My wife caught the clap from a traveling salesman, my boy wiped his ass on a corn cob that had rat poison on it, and some bastard nutted my bull.
Now, at present, if it cost a nickel to sh!t, I would have to vomit. Yet you say you can cause me trouble. Trying to get money out of me would be like trying to shove butter up a wildcat's ass with a hot poker, but you are welcome to try it.
Yours truly,
Hiram Brown
Bulls Gap, Tennessee
September 17, 1937
The Bakersfield Company
St. Louis, MO
Gentlemen:
I just received your letter regarding the bill I owe. You say the bill could have been paid a long time ago and you cannot understand why it wasn't. Well, I will enlighten you.
In 1917, I bought a saw mill on credit. In 1918, an ox team and timber cart, two horses, a breech-loading shotgun, a wine tester, a 25 caliber Colt revolver and also two fine razorback hogs, all on that damned installment plan!
In 1919, the mill burned down and didn't leave a damned thing. One of my horses died and I loaned the other to a neighbor, and the sob starved it to death.
In 1920, my father died, and my brother was hung for horse stealing, a railroader knocked up my daughter and I had to pay $88 to keep the bastard from becoming a relative of mine. In 1921, my little boy got the mumps and they went down on him, so the doctor had to castrate him to save his life. Later I went fishing. The boat overturned and I lost the biggest fish I ever saw and two of my boys drowned, neither of them being the one that was castrated.
In 1922, my wife ran off with a circus worker and left me with twins for a souvenir. Then I married the hired girl to cut down on expenses, but I had trouble getting her to go off. I went to see the doctor and he advised me to create a little excitement about the time she was ready. That night I took my shotgun to bed with me and when I thought she was ready, I stuck the gun out the window and pulled the trigger.... My wife sh!t the bed, I ruptured myself, and also killed the best cow I ever had.
In 1925, I burned out and took to drinking. I didn't stop until I had nothing left but a Waterbury watch and kidney trouble. Then all I did for some time was to wind my watch and run to piss. The next year I decided to try again, so I bought a manure spreader, a Deering binder, and a treading machine, all on credit. A cyclone came and blew it all into the next county. My wife caught the clap from a traveling salesman, my boy wiped his ass on a corn cob that had rat poison on it, and some bastard nutted my bull.
Now, at present, if it cost a nickel to sh!t, I would have to vomit. Yet you say you can cause me trouble. Trying to get money out of me would be like trying to shove butter up a wildcat's ass with a hot poker, but you are welcome to try it.
Yours truly,
Hiram Brown
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