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Okay, update to my wife and her usual stupidity.
My wife decides she is going to try her hand at mac and cheese. I was thinking to myself " This shouldn't be too hard for her....just boil some water, dump in macccaroni, drain, add cheese and milk..." Well, I came to a conclusion......and that is that this bitch is so dumb she could screw up a bowl of Fruit Loops. She puts the water in the pot and places it on the oven. After about 5 minutes, I here " How long does it take for water to boil?" I reply " Just a few minutes. " Five more minutes go by......she is upset the water isn't boiling. As I walk into the kitchen to check out the stove, she replies " I turned it up as high as it would go." Yup, you guessed it.....she turned the oven on instead. As my teeth very violently clamp down on my tongue so as not to remind her of how damn dumb she is and put her in tears for the 8th time of the week, I just turn on the burner and shut the oven off. I sit back down, she is in the kitchen thinking she Betty Crocker singing and having a ball. She tells me that this is a new pot she found on sale. ON SALE!!!! Holy shit. You guys know that gave me a hard on a cat couldn't scratch. Well, she gets the mac and cheese done and sits it down to the table. As I take my first bite, I noticed it had a slight crunch. I thought " ...maybe it was a noodle that did quite get boiled enough....no biggie..." Next bit, same thing....crunchy mac and cheese....WTF?! As I removed this item of crunchiness from my mouth, she gives me this " Oh shit...what did I do now " look. Upon inspection of the crunchy foreign object, I noticed it was clear...and plastic. My first thought was that she lost a contact in the food and did not notice. Nope! Remember, it was a new pot.....a BRAND NEW pot. She did not take the plastic liner out that is installed by the factory to protect the teflon coating. Which also means she did not clean it. Dirty bitch.
We went to an employee banquet of hers. In Episode 1 of "My Wife" I explained that she had to call a customer back to find out how to spell her web address. You really need to read Episode 1 to get caught up to speed on this. This girl is so dumb, that she actually won a new digital camera for the Ditz of the Year at her job site. It seems to me, that we should not reward these people for being mentally defficient...we should shoot them instead. This just proves that ignorance TRULY is bliss. And that we are now in the beginning of the degradation of society as we know it. After she one several prizes based solely on her being a dumb ass, the liquor bar is opened up. Something came over her at that moment....... and for some damned reason, she felt she needed to try and drink like she is a finely tuned athlete in the art. Well, about 2 amaretto sours later, she is drunk off her ass. To the point to where she thinks she can get get jiggy on the dance floor. This goof has less rythm on the dance floor than me.....and I have none. It kind of resembled watching a 4 tier tower of Jell-O sitting on a table during an earth quake. And all these women are joining in......and they all are doing the " high school giggle".....that God forsaken annoying laugh they do when you get more than 3 girls in one spot. Okay, I just entered the threshold of Hell. As I go out and smoke a cigarette, one of her friends came out to talk and smoke with me. As we are standing there, I notice a skunk snuck up on us. I point out this fact to her and she panics.....HARD!!! She was so panic sticken, she did not run off inside...nope...that would have made sense. She runs rights past the critter screaming and shrieking like a banshee. Yup, you guessed it. Ole Pepe LePew hosed her down with his special brand of love potion #9. This was truly a sign that God really does love me and understands that I need entertainment from time to time.
We went to Cleveland this past weekend so I could bowl in a state tournament. In case you did not read my first post about my wife, she prides herself in the fact she can blow a fart out of her ass louder than any man. As I am in between frames, I go back and talk to her to help ease her boardom. I was a little gassy myself......about 3 feet from her , I let one go....walked up and let the draft carry it into her nostrils.... just to show her how much I care. She comments on how "terrific" it smells and replies with her usual " Oh yeah honey"....cocks her ass, her face turns red and she blows ass......but not just any ass. Nooooo. She blows a little more than air. It seems that tequilla gives her the runs......and she was wearing white slacks. [img]/images/graemlins/popcorn.gif[/img] Yup, I am completely amused now. As you can imagine the look on her face. Now she is trying to cover it up and not be noticed, but, with the stench, it was a little overwhelming. Finally, she just throws her coat around her waist and sprints to the bathroom. This is shear entertainment. As the guys on my bowling team are wondering what the hell is going on, I am laying on the floor just laughing like I am on the best acid ever made. As I try to tell them what happened between the laughs and the lack of oxygen, my best friends wife ( Shannon ) takes off to the bathroom to see if she could help. She is gone only for a few moments when my cell phone rings. It was my wife......in the bathroom. As she is in total tears....not from laughing....I am in total tears from lauging....I truly understand the " Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus " thingy now. I told her we sent help in there for her. She replied " I needs some clean socks, underwear and pants....now!!!" I said " Why doesnt Shannon go to the car and get them?" She says " Because she needs a shirt and a pair of pants" [img]/images/graemlins/scratchhead.gif[/img] Me "What happened to her?" ...my wife " As soon as she smelled it, she puked on herself " [img]/images/graemlins/headbang.gif[/img] Yes, I am a sick bastard....this shit is too damned funny. So, I put on my regular shoes and head out to the cars to get the ladies some clothes. I get them delivered and Shannon arrives shortly afterwards with a look on her face like she was just told she only had 8 hours to live. After an hour, my wife still hasn't returned. So I call her on the cell. She refuses to come out until we leave so she can sprint to the door. I really can't say I blame her. So, she sat in there for the next 2 hours until we were done, I pull the car up front, call her and she comes flying out the door. Jesus, we musta looked like Bonnie and Clyde after they just robbed a bank.
Now on a lighter now, my son. My son, Zakk Randall ( Named after the 2 greatest guitar player ever )is only 3....but, is too much like me. He likes music, golf, titties and attractive women. But, he really, really, really loves steak. Ever since he has had teeth, he has loved steak. It turns in to a full blown war if he sees you have steak and he doesn't. Well, I went to the local market and bought this huge slab of ribeye that weighed about 22 ounces and cost me $15.00. This was a hunk of meat. I fired up the grill, dumped in some hickory chips, through the slab of steak on the fire and was on my way to red meat heaven. After the steak is done, I plopped that sumbitch down on a plate in front of us and Zakk looks at the steak, his eyes as big golf balls and says " Daddy, that is beautiful". As I wiped the tear from my eye, I realized that my son is too much like me. Why avoid the inevitable.....I tossed that bastard a Beam and Coke and called him up a hooker. Yes, sir....like father like son. [img]/images/graemlins/toast.gif[/img]
-Lou
My wife decides she is going to try her hand at mac and cheese. I was thinking to myself " This shouldn't be too hard for her....just boil some water, dump in macccaroni, drain, add cheese and milk..." Well, I came to a conclusion......and that is that this bitch is so dumb she could screw up a bowl of Fruit Loops. She puts the water in the pot and places it on the oven. After about 5 minutes, I here " How long does it take for water to boil?" I reply " Just a few minutes. " Five more minutes go by......she is upset the water isn't boiling. As I walk into the kitchen to check out the stove, she replies " I turned it up as high as it would go." Yup, you guessed it.....she turned the oven on instead. As my teeth very violently clamp down on my tongue so as not to remind her of how damn dumb she is and put her in tears for the 8th time of the week, I just turn on the burner and shut the oven off. I sit back down, she is in the kitchen thinking she Betty Crocker singing and having a ball. She tells me that this is a new pot she found on sale. ON SALE!!!! Holy shit. You guys know that gave me a hard on a cat couldn't scratch. Well, she gets the mac and cheese done and sits it down to the table. As I take my first bite, I noticed it had a slight crunch. I thought " ...maybe it was a noodle that did quite get boiled enough....no biggie..." Next bit, same thing....crunchy mac and cheese....WTF?! As I removed this item of crunchiness from my mouth, she gives me this " Oh shit...what did I do now " look. Upon inspection of the crunchy foreign object, I noticed it was clear...and plastic. My first thought was that she lost a contact in the food and did not notice. Nope! Remember, it was a new pot.....a BRAND NEW pot. She did not take the plastic liner out that is installed by the factory to protect the teflon coating. Which also means she did not clean it. Dirty bitch.
We went to an employee banquet of hers. In Episode 1 of "My Wife" I explained that she had to call a customer back to find out how to spell her web address. You really need to read Episode 1 to get caught up to speed on this. This girl is so dumb, that she actually won a new digital camera for the Ditz of the Year at her job site. It seems to me, that we should not reward these people for being mentally defficient...we should shoot them instead. This just proves that ignorance TRULY is bliss. And that we are now in the beginning of the degradation of society as we know it. After she one several prizes based solely on her being a dumb ass, the liquor bar is opened up. Something came over her at that moment....... and for some damned reason, she felt she needed to try and drink like she is a finely tuned athlete in the art. Well, about 2 amaretto sours later, she is drunk off her ass. To the point to where she thinks she can get get jiggy on the dance floor. This goof has less rythm on the dance floor than me.....and I have none. It kind of resembled watching a 4 tier tower of Jell-O sitting on a table during an earth quake. And all these women are joining in......and they all are doing the " high school giggle".....that God forsaken annoying laugh they do when you get more than 3 girls in one spot. Okay, I just entered the threshold of Hell. As I go out and smoke a cigarette, one of her friends came out to talk and smoke with me. As we are standing there, I notice a skunk snuck up on us. I point out this fact to her and she panics.....HARD!!! She was so panic sticken, she did not run off inside...nope...that would have made sense. She runs rights past the critter screaming and shrieking like a banshee. Yup, you guessed it. Ole Pepe LePew hosed her down with his special brand of love potion #9. This was truly a sign that God really does love me and understands that I need entertainment from time to time.
We went to Cleveland this past weekend so I could bowl in a state tournament. In case you did not read my first post about my wife, she prides herself in the fact she can blow a fart out of her ass louder than any man. As I am in between frames, I go back and talk to her to help ease her boardom. I was a little gassy myself......about 3 feet from her , I let one go....walked up and let the draft carry it into her nostrils.... just to show her how much I care. She comments on how "terrific" it smells and replies with her usual " Oh yeah honey"....cocks her ass, her face turns red and she blows ass......but not just any ass. Nooooo. She blows a little more than air. It seems that tequilla gives her the runs......and she was wearing white slacks. [img]/images/graemlins/popcorn.gif[/img] Yup, I am completely amused now. As you can imagine the look on her face. Now she is trying to cover it up and not be noticed, but, with the stench, it was a little overwhelming. Finally, she just throws her coat around her waist and sprints to the bathroom. This is shear entertainment. As the guys on my bowling team are wondering what the hell is going on, I am laying on the floor just laughing like I am on the best acid ever made. As I try to tell them what happened between the laughs and the lack of oxygen, my best friends wife ( Shannon ) takes off to the bathroom to see if she could help. She is gone only for a few moments when my cell phone rings. It was my wife......in the bathroom. As she is in total tears....not from laughing....I am in total tears from lauging....I truly understand the " Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus " thingy now. I told her we sent help in there for her. She replied " I needs some clean socks, underwear and pants....now!!!" I said " Why doesnt Shannon go to the car and get them?" She says " Because she needs a shirt and a pair of pants" [img]/images/graemlins/scratchhead.gif[/img] Me "What happened to her?" ...my wife " As soon as she smelled it, she puked on herself " [img]/images/graemlins/headbang.gif[/img] Yes, I am a sick bastard....this shit is too damned funny. So, I put on my regular shoes and head out to the cars to get the ladies some clothes. I get them delivered and Shannon arrives shortly afterwards with a look on her face like she was just told she only had 8 hours to live. After an hour, my wife still hasn't returned. So I call her on the cell. She refuses to come out until we leave so she can sprint to the door. I really can't say I blame her. So, she sat in there for the next 2 hours until we were done, I pull the car up front, call her and she comes flying out the door. Jesus, we musta looked like Bonnie and Clyde after they just robbed a bank.
Now on a lighter now, my son. My son, Zakk Randall ( Named after the 2 greatest guitar player ever )is only 3....but, is too much like me. He likes music, golf, titties and attractive women. But, he really, really, really loves steak. Ever since he has had teeth, he has loved steak. It turns in to a full blown war if he sees you have steak and he doesn't. Well, I went to the local market and bought this huge slab of ribeye that weighed about 22 ounces and cost me $15.00. This was a hunk of meat. I fired up the grill, dumped in some hickory chips, through the slab of steak on the fire and was on my way to red meat heaven. After the steak is done, I plopped that sumbitch down on a plate in front of us and Zakk looks at the steak, his eyes as big golf balls and says " Daddy, that is beautiful". As I wiped the tear from my eye, I realized that my son is too much like me. Why avoid the inevitable.....I tossed that bastard a Beam and Coke and called him up a hooker. Yes, sir....like father like son. [img]/images/graemlins/toast.gif[/img]
-Lou
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