Step-Daughter's Cell Phone

[Markus]

Re: Step-Daughter\'s Cell Phone

By the way, do you go by the same handle over on the Gear Page?

-Mark

[Brad]

Re: Step-Daughter\'s Cell Phone

You are the parent, she is the child. Quite frankly, she has no rights of her own while living under your roof. She needs to know that there are rules she WILL follow. I think at 14 years of age at 10:00 curfew is MORE than fair.

[Newc]

Re: Step-Daughter\'s Cell Phone

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That's all nice and well, Newcenstein, but being a parent also implies having sympathy and feeling for your children. It's not a Dictator kind of relationship.

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There's a line that has to be drawn, though, and that line has to be rigid. You can be sympathetic to a 14 year old girl's desire to want to be a rebel with all her rebel friends ratting the streets, drinking, drugging, and fucking at 1am, but that doesn't mean you have to AGREE to her doing it. Sneaking out is a violation of trust, which is the core and largest part of ANY relationship. If there's no trust, there's very little room for sympathy and "feeling" outside the concern for their general welfare.
If she can't be trusted to abide by the curfew, she can't be trusted to abide by abstinence or even moderation of any kind.

There was a thing on the News a few months ago about some teenage girl that had gone missing in Seattle. She was found a few days later BY ACCIDENT by a State Trooper who happened to look down the side of a ravine and saw her Jeep that had run off the road and was hung up by some saplings (which kept her from rolling down the hill).
Her friends didn't wanna say where she was or where she had been because they were all at a rolling party where there was underage drinking [img]/images/graemlins/brow.gif[/img]
This is the kind of thing that swinging an iron fist can avoid, and the very thing that "well, she's at that age" can pretty much guarantee.

First Offense = house arrest; you go to school, you come home, you get a sitter/nanny to watch over you until we get home from work. No friends, no phone, nothing.

[GodOfRhythm]

Re: Step-Daughter\'s Cell Phone

I agree to the most part to what you're saying, but in less extreme measures.

I am of firm belief that IT IS that Iron Fist that caused those teenagers not to tell, in the first place. (This does, of course, in no away excuse their lack of sense and their misbehavior!)

[sully]

Re: Step-Daughter\'s Cell Phone

haven't read through the thread yet, but "i love you, bitch" is a regular quote/catchphrase from "the simple life" (yes, that paris hilton tv show) she and nicole say that to each other. it's probably nothing more than that.

i'll go back and read the rest of the thread, but no kid needs a cell phone. maybe i'm old fashioned, (or it could also be from my years of running the collections dept for what became cingular wireless) but kids and cell phones don't mix. i know that it's way more commonplace now, and i have a 13 year old son whose asked for one once, but no way in hell does a kid need a cell phone. (and yeah, i understand the whole "emergencies only" part, but those things rarely happen.

also, please note that i'm making a blanket statement, and not saying that you're a bad parent for giving her a phone.

sully

[sully]

Re: Step-Daughter\'s Cell Phone

markus hit it on the head on the bi-polar issue; my ex was (and still is, i assume) bi-polar, and yes, it's difficult to deal with. are those in your house being treated for it? yes, i mean those brain washing meds that people like to say you don't need because "we didn't need em in my day, and i turned out fine." whatev. that's a whole separate rant. if they're not being treated for it, you're making things way harder on yourselves, and them, really.

i agree with the fact that it's your house, and you do have the right to know what's going on in it. however, the child (and all children) need to have some sort of privacy. you do have the right to know what sites she's going to, but i wouldn't necessarily check emails and text messages because she should have a bit of privacy. the hard part is that she isn't really earning trust and respect.

you mentioned knowing what's up with her without her knowing. what happens if you read her text messages and it turns out that she's way into drugs, etc? no way are you gonna keep that to yourself, and granted you don't have to tell her how you found out, but my overall thought is that be careful of asking questions and getting answers that you don't want to hear. you're lookin at pandora's box on this issue. i'm not saying don't open it, but with how she's currently living, prepare yourself for the worst.

then again....she's 14 and probably gonna have a lot of retarded text messages, and that's it. when my son got online (and it's monitored), he started posting on a friend of his' message board. i'm happy to say that i've read his posts, and my god, i woulda banned him for worthless posts a long time ago! lots of LOL posts, to say the least.

i can't really offer you a bunch of advice, but i understand why you have the no cell phones in the room (after paying for her overages...see my previous post), and that the house phone is just fine. the best advice i could really offer is getting the ENTIRE family into counseling. it would give her a safe place to talk about and work on her issues, and it would help all of you with communicating in general. it also sounds like your wife is not on board with you in this issue, and that, my friend, is not something you need when it's time to address an issue. she'll totally blow you off if her mother isn't on your side. and who the hell needs the additional stress and conflict? you've got enough going on, it seems like. my heart goes out to ya; i'm sure i'll be dealing with my share of this stuff soon.

ace had a great point about the fact that there's no good place for a 14 year old at 1am. and my god, newc, don't have kids. seriously. you've got the right idea, but you don't raise successful, well adjusted children with your foot in their asses.

sully

[Shawn Lutz]

Re: Step-Daughter\'s Cell Phone

Well being a parent there is a fine line between privacy and space. I think if a child earns freedom you give it to them. An example of how its not supposed to work is the 2 kids who killed all those people at Columbine. Those parents should have cared enough to find all of those weapons and pipe bombs etc in their kids room, whether they disrespected their kids privacy or not.

I'm a pretty casual parent if my kids do well in school, are well behaved, honest and compassionate to others they have a lot of freedom. Sure they screw up from time to time but that is how kids learn. They have gotten into trouble before and they thought I'd blow a gasket, they thought it was that severe. Their punishment wasn't the usual whack them the ass (I'll use if it I have to) or being grounded but it was them know my disappointment and talking to them about it. They know that I love them and I'll always be there for them in whatever success and failures they may have in life. They know because I tell them all the time. I think that helps them, they know they can come to me and talk and know I love them.

I think the problem today with a lot of kids is that parents are too into themselves and their own lives and goals and keeping up with the Jones that they neglect their kids in some form or fashion, usually in the lack of love or caring. Lets face it, being a parent isn't the easiest task in the world but it IS the most rewarding. My kids (both boys) are now 11 and 9 and I know my wife and I will have our hands full come hairy balls an tang chasing [img]/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]

In the case of your 14 year old daughter I would personally give as much space and privacy but a 14 year old should not be out by herself at 1am unless you are aware of where she is at and whom she is with. As a parent its yours and your wifes job to know when she is lying to you. I can tell the second my kids hand me a line of bullshit I don't know why either so I hope my bullshit filters continue to work as they grow older [img]/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img] just as all kids have different personalities and differences about them, as a parent there is no one rule or method that works for ALL of them.

I also agree that you can't be too strict or you will push her further away. I think kids that age think that they are adults and want to be treated like one instead of a kid. Talk to her on an adult level let her know straight up what you'll do or how she may end up if she continues.

I was the youngest of 5 kids. I turned out fine. Yes I drank, smoked dope chased tang like no tomorrow. I was disciplined hard when I did screw up but if I lived within the rules my parents set out for me and I had all the freedom I could want. My parents weren't the greatest parents into the world but they know what worked for me and my brothers and sisters. All five of use turned out fine so they had to be doing something.

[Jack The Riffer]

Re: Step-Daughter\'s Cell Phone

Well, I checked the messages and thee was nothing other than normal teenage chats with her friends. That's a relief. She doesn't know I did it and it will stay that way.

[Jack The Riffer]

Re: Step-Daughter\'s Cell Phone

[ QUOTE ]
By the way, do you go by the same handle over on the Gear Page?

-Mark

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I have never been to The Gear Page.

[~K~]

Re: Step-Daughter\'s Cell Phone

1) Anyone in this thread that doesn't have kids .... STFU
2) Anyone in this thread that believes a cellphone for a 14 yr old is a right STFU


As Sully and Jeremy can attest I have been through 1 1/2 years of a living hell with my daughter. My opinion is simple .. Jack listen carefully ...

If you love this girl ... privacy should be the least of your worries.. You want to, Need to, and should try to know all that is going on in her life. Sex,Drugs,Suicide,Teen pregnancy,rape ..by the time you find out it is always too late ... If you love them it is your job as a parent to make sure they are safe.. if this means reading her cellphone,going through her room or whatever that is YOUR job as a parent ..

I'm so tired of parents wanting to be "Friends" with their children.. I'm sorry people... that does not work.

Be a parent and make sure she is safe ...

[Inearthed]

Re: Step-Daughter\'s Cell Phone

Don't feel guilty or whatever, I believe parents are perfectly justified in checking their children's cell phone / rooms / etc. If they have nothing to hide they shouldn't care (other than the whole "This is an invasion of privacy" junk). You're doing so because you care for her and want to make sure she's not getting involved in something bad.

[lerxstcat]

Re: Step-Daughter\'s Cell Phone

I agree with Kevin's post, except that if you don't have the wife on board the situation could get really ugly, up to and including divorce. The daughters and mother taking sides against you will estrange you from the
three of them. Sadly, you will continue to support them financially whether you're still in the house to positively influence them or not. I hate to say it, but in a way you're at the mercy of those three bipolar females right now, if you can't get your wife on board. You also have to be careful what she knows, lest she change her mind later.

Do your best, but I don't envy you right now/

[xenophobe]

Re: Step-Daughter\'s Cell Phone

[ QUOTE ]

Sneaking out at 1 AM is definatly a bad thing. I'd much rather just tell her that it is alright to go out, but make sure she has her phone with her and that you have an idea of where she is going.


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+1

You can either lock her door and bar her windows, or you can give her a bit more freedom if she tells you where she is going and is honest about it.

Better to let her go out than to have her sneak out without an idea of where she is going.

Either that or you can threaten to send her of to private schooling.

[Shawn Lutz]

Re: Step-Daughter\'s Cell Phone

[ QUOTE ]
1) Anyone in this thread that doesn't have kids .... STFU
2) Anyone in this thread that believes a cellphone for a 14 yr old is a right STFU


As Sully and Jeremy can attest I have been through 1 1/2 years of a living hell with my daughter. My opinion is simple .. Jack listen carefully ...

If you love this girl ... privacy should be the least of your worries.. You want to, Need to, and should try to know all that is going on in her life. Sex,Drugs,Suicide,Teen pregnancy,rape ..by the time you find out it is always too late ... If you love them it is your job as a parent to make sure they are safe.. if this means reading her cellphone,going through her room or whatever that is YOUR job as a parent ..

I'm so tired of parents wanting to be "Friends" with their children.. I'm sorry people... that does not work.

Be a parent and make sure she is safe ...

[/ QUOTE ]

I agree with everything 100% Kevin except the cell phones, both of my sons have them and they are elementary school kids. It is a tool we use to inform them its time to eat, time to come home and whatnot. Its the year 2005 way of us yelling for kids to come hoping that they hear you. It also has given us piece of mind and confidence that they can easily call for help if they need it.

I cannot just STFU just because I have different opinion than the one you have about kids and cellphones. They work for me and my wife with our kids and until they don't work out or they abuse them then its all good. When they reach puberty it may be a whole different ballgame [img]/images/graemlins/laugh.gif[/img]

I'm sorry to hear about having a tough time with your daughter the past 18 months. Each chid is very different and some need tough love in order to keep them on the right path. I hope all is well. I'm sure its going to be tough for me when our kids reach that age.

[Hotrod]

Re: Step-Daughter\'s Cell Phone

[ QUOTE ]
1) Anyone in this thread that doesn't have kids .... STFU
2) Anyone in this thread that believes a cellphone for a 14 yr old is a right STFU


As Sully and Jeremy can attest I have been through 1 1/2 years of a living hell with my daughter. My opinion is simple .. Jack listen carefully ...

If you love this girl ... privacy should be the least of your worries.. You want to, Need to, and should try to know all that is going on in her life. Sex,Drugs,Suicide,Teen pregnancy,rape ..by the time you find out it is always too late ... If you love them it is your job as a parent to make sure they are safe.. if this means reading her cellphone,going through her room or whatever that is YOUR job as a parent ..

I'm so tired of parents wanting to be "Friends" with their children.. I'm sorry people... that does not work.

Be a parent and make sure she is safe ...

[/ QUOTE ]

+1. Couldn't agree more except for the cell phone thing. My 14 won't have one, but I can see where that could also depend on the individuals involved.