Step-Daughter's Cell Phone

[Jack The Riffer]

OK, this child has been caught sneaking out of her window at 1am before, she is 14. This was less than 2 months ago. One night when my wife and I fell asleep before she was supposed to be home by 10pm on a Friday night I woke up at 2 am and she wasn't home yet before the sneaking out incident happened. Her Cell Phone was on the living room table because she's not allowed to have it in her room. I went to turn it off tonight to keep it from ringing and her label, where I just have my name on mine,says "I Love you bitch" Would I be justified in checking her text messages? My wife thinks she's just being a typical teenager and I had no right to even touch her cell phone. I PAY for the phone therefore I think I have a right, as this child has done nothing to garner our trust. Just wondering what the opinions are as I want to do the right thing and let her know we aren't stupid and we care what's going on and the text messages could tell us what's going on and what we need to know about that she isn't telling us. Oh, I should mention she tries to talk ebonical also which I won't put up with and make her use correct grammar at home. Am I a Tyrant??

[MetalGrasshopper]

Re: Step-Daughter\'s Cell Phone

Well here's the way I see it, having been through it myself and seeing shit go down with my sister and our parents...

Just let it go. The tighter you hold on to her, the farther away she'll slip from you. As far as knowing EVERYTHING about her like reading txt messages/IMs/ etc, well...you can't and shouldn't try to. You should respect her privacy to a certain degree. Otherwise, she'll never trust you. Kids that age are just starting to piss off their parents so you've got a pretty long road ahead of you. Good luck.

And the ebonics thing will pass, don't worry...nah mean homez? [img]/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img]

[paddok]

Re: Step-Daughter\'s Cell Phone

Yes. You seem pretty rediculous to not allow her to talk on the phone. Cerfew at 14 seems pretty normal, but I'd assume the only reason why the cell must be left in another room is to keep her from talking on it.

I've got to say when I was growing up, those children who were most rebelious, and consequently, were most screwed up and self-hurtfull, were those who had overbearing parents.

[83REDCHARVEL]

Re: Step-Daughter\'s Cell Phone

Be a man and step up to the plate! Let her know that there are rules to follow and that if she doesn't she will have to pay the price. You have the right to check her messages, read her emails and monitor her calls.Remember it's your house.I just went through this with my daughter,at first she hated me but now she understands that no matter what I love her and care about what she is doing.Your daughter will come around and one day she will thank you for setting her straight.

[Ace]

Re: Step-Daughter\'s Cell Phone

Tact is the key. Whatever you decide to do, sit down with her and talk about what's going on, don't just go yell at her when your angry. Make sure that you earn her respect and that you talk to her like an adult and not a child. If she understands WHY you are doing what you do, that it's because you care and not because you are some sort of bully.

If that doesn't work put your fuckin' foot down hard, with your wife on your side of course. Show her that you WILL be respected and that you DO make the final decisions in the house. But all the while remember how it felt to be 14 yourself.

I there ain't one goddamn good place for a 14 year old to be at 1am.

If you are not careful and this child gets out of hand, she might just turn into, god forbid, a musician. [img]/images/graemlins/eek.gif[/img]

[Jack The Riffer]

Re: Step-Daughter\'s Cell Phone

[ QUOTE ]
Yes. You seem pretty rediculous to not allow her to talk on the phone. Cerfew at 14 seems pretty normal, but I'd assume the only reason why the cell must be left in another room is to keep her from talking on it.

I've got to say when I was growing up, those children who were most rebelious, and consequently, were most screwed up and self-hurtfull, were those who had overbearing parents.

[/ QUOTE ]

I'm being over bearing?? You would let this go at 14? I've been cool with alot but she's been pushing more and more, I don't want her coming home pregnant at 15 not to mention I pay for that phone plus her food and housing. She still sees nothing wrong with what she's doing, catching it now could help her immensly. She thinks punishment is just a parent's way of hurting her. Yeah I know we all thought that way, but finding out what's going on and what her thoughts are could really help me and her mother deal with her. Especially if we don't let her know how we knew. It's not about letting her on the phone, she can use the phone at home but not her cell phone. Why use up minutes on her plan while she's home when they can just call the house? I have already had to pay extra for overage charges before we implemented the no phones in their rooms rule. I guess I'm just a horrible parent.

[Jack The Riffer]

Re: Step-Daughter\'s Cell Phone

Ace I have put my foot down, it's their mother that thinks everything is fine. BTW: They have all been diagnosed as Bipolar. Their mother, and my 2 stepdaughters, I have been with them for 7 years dealing with this. I only mention that to show how tolerant I have been. I got my work cut out for me.

[toejam]

Re: Step-Daughter\'s Cell Phone

[ QUOTE ]
Be a man and step up to the plate! Let her know that there are rules to follow and that if she doesn't she will have to pay the price. You have the right to check her messages, read her emails and monitor her calls.Remember it's your house.I just went through this with my daughter,at first she hated me but now she understands that no matter what I love her and care about what she is doing.Your daughter will come around and one day she will thank you for setting her straight.

[/ QUOTE ]
What he said! [img]/images/graemlins/stupid.gif[/img]

[YetAnotherOne]

Re: Step-Daughter\'s Cell Phone

[ QUOTE ]
I got my work cut out for me.

[/ QUOTE ]

That you do, particularly if their mom isn't playing along because eventually you're probably going to get the, "You're not my dad," line. Sorry to be so blunt but when I was your step-daughter's age I can't count how many times I heard my friends say that to their step-parents. If they don't say it to your face they'll say it behind your back. That's a battle you can't win without their mom's complete backing.

I could tell you tons of stories:

One friend's parents were super-strict professionals. It was because they loved their last son very much, his little brother had been killed in an accident. They wanted him to grow up to be professional and pushed very hard for him to stay out of trouble. Every time we left his house his father would meet us at the front door with a very stern, "No drinking and absolutely no drugs." He grew his hair out, got a tattoo at a biker bar when he was 15 (they hung him upside down over the door while the tattoo artist - just out of prison - did the work) that he didn't show to his parents until he was 30, and got stopped drunk driving the wrong way down a divided highway late one night because I couldn't talk him into staying at my place because his dad would kill him if I were to call and tell him that his son had a few beers and wouldn't be driving home. This guy is currently an artist & does OK.

Another friend's parents were more or less OK with a few beers so long as it wasn't to excess but their thing was sex. "No loose girls," as his mom would say. When he hit puberty that dude would screw anything with two legs that couldn't move fast enough to get away. Total poon hound, WAY worse than most teenage boys. This guy is unemployed and sponges off his wife.

A cousin of mine started dating a good friend of mine who was a few years older when she was 14. The parents essentially locked her away and made her life hell. I used to pick her up on weekends with her boyfriend in the trunk then drop them off at parties. This lasted until she moved out of her parents' place at 19. They continued to hound her about the guy despite the fact that she was on her own and living with him until she basically stopped speaking to her parents completely. Eventually they succeeded in breaking them up and my cousin married someone that her parents approved of: stable, good reputatin, owned a small business, etc. A couple of years later my cousin was diagnosed with cancer and her wonderful upstanding husband dropped her instantly. She moved back in with her folks and died a few months later having spent most of a decade arguing with them over a guy she wouldn't even have been interested in had they not been so dead-set against him. BTW - that guy will probably never see the outside of a federal pen again, her parents were right but they "put their foot down" with extreme prejudice, that never works.

Compare those to a girl (pretty hot) I knew in high school. Her folks put her on the pill when she was 13, told her sex was fine but to not screw any guys in their home & to always use condoms so she wouldn't have to live the rest of her life with an STD, and had us all over for beers whenever we wanted (her mom always bought the beer). I was the second guy she ever slept with ... when she was 23. This chick did well, she finished her Ph.D. and has a counseling practice.

Ace is right: space, respect, and reason will work. Just decide what you're worried about and prevent that as much as you can. Worried about her getting pregnant? Make sure she's on the pill. Worried about her drinking and driving? Don't ever give her grief about drinking, go pick her up with no comments about the situation. She's going to make mistakes but don't make her hide them from you, you can't help if she thinks you'll get mad any time she's doing something you don't approve of. Whenever you try to force or ensure that she's not doing a particular thing, that's exactly what she's going to do. Most likely anyway.

That's my $0.02 anyway.

[paddok]

Re: Step-Daughter\'s Cell Phone

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
Yes. You seem pretty rediculous to not allow her to talk on the phone. Cerfew at 14 seems pretty normal, but I'd assume the only reason why the cell must be left in another room is to keep her from talking on it.

I've got to say when I was growing up, those children who were most rebelious, and consequently, were most screwed up and self-hurtfull, were those who had overbearing parents.

[/ QUOTE ]

I'm being over bearing?? You would let this go at 14? I've been cool with alot but she's been pushing more and more, I don't want her coming home pregnant at 15 not to mention I pay for that phone plus her food and housing. She still sees nothing wrong with what she's doing, catching it now could help her immensly. She thinks punishment is just a parent's way of hurting her. Yeah I know we all thought that way, but finding out what's going on and what her thoughts are could really help me and her mother deal with her. Especially if we don't let her know how we knew. It's not about letting her on the phone, she can use the phone at home but not her cell phone. Why use up minutes on her plan while she's home when they can just call the house? I have already had to pay extra for overage charges before we implemented the no phones in their rooms rule. I guess I'm just a horrible parent.

[/ QUOTE ]

Please don't take my comments as calling you a horrible parent. That certainly isn't what I ment. I think I am a bit different, I was raised by two clinical psychologists, and though I had rules, I always the kid (or teen for that matter) with the most lenient parents.

Sneaking out at 1 AM is definatly a bad thing. I'd much rather just tell her that it is alright to go out, but make sure she has her phone with her and that you have an idea of where she is going.

If you arn't, the kid will find a way arround you. When I was in highschool, my girlfriend at the time found a way to have a relationship with me, despite the fact that her parents would not allow it. A lot of kids are far more determined than one would normally give them credit for.

If it is a school night, generally I think it is best to express your believe that it is a bad night to go out, and let the kid learn the consequences of her actions. Kids are going to make mistakes all the time. I know I did, and I still believe that is the way I learn best.

But I guess I was a different breed. When I was 14, at 1 AM I was tired and would often just sit in bed and watch television or read. I think your best choice is to educate her about the outcomes of her actions, and let her make whatever choice is best.

But I stand by that the most out of control/messed up people I have ever met, were those who were repressed as children.

[GodOfRhythm]

Re: Step-Daughter\'s Cell Phone

I would definitly take the first two replies as a definite solution. DO NOT put your foot down, it'll have the exact opposite effect! I do not like saying this, but the element 'step-daughter' also raised some red flags in my head. I think she would definitly raise this as a gigantic isuee, if you were to violate her privacy.

She's being a tyical teenager (I should know!), tell her her curfew stands, you love her and that she needs to be careful because you want her back home in one piece. That'll have twice the effect screaming and laying down strict rules will.

[1trussell]

Re: Step-Daughter\'s Cell Phone

Talk to her like an adult. Stay calm and listen to her. Take her feelings into consideration and work on coming up with a solution TOGETHER.

Note: this comes from someone without kids, so I'm sorry if this is bad advice.

[Newc]

Re: Step-Daughter\'s Cell Phone

Children under the age of 18 in the United States are not guaranteed the same privacy rights as legal adults. In this day and age, parents - even step-parents - have full rights to govern their children, and even moreso since today's teens have far more trouble to get into than any of us "old guys" did back in the 80's.
Or at least they have the same trouble to get into, but they have a lot less trouble getting into it.

Express to her your concerns that when she sneaks out, and something happens to her like rape or an auto accident or whatever, that you will not have any idea where she is, if she HAS been raped and murdered like those two girls in Florida, or if she's out getting knocked up by some punkass she picked up at another punkasses party, and YOU will have to pay for either the abortion (if you go for that kinda thing), the shotgun wedding ( if you go for THAT kinda thing), or the birth and rearing of her child.
Basically set the Law and stick to it and make it stick. She is the Child, you are the Parent. She will do as she is told and abide by the Law you lay down or she will end up in a reformitory where life REALLY sucks.
You will HAVE to destroy her ego to get to her brain. A child with an ego is like an elevator in a shithouse, so make sure you break down that "Princess" attitude as quickly as possible. When she gets pissed about the Rules and doesn't care why there are Rules, make them tougher. Pick out the clothes she will wear and throw away the ones she likes. Dress her up like Napolean Dynamite or some other geek that no one wants to look like, criticize her publicly for her ebonical abuse of English, and separate her from her current circle of friends. It's not harsh, it's Life. She wants to be All Grown Up? Introduce her to the Real Real World.

Who gives a damn what someone else thinks, this is YOUR child and you should raise her YOUR way. Even if you say "Do as thou wilt", that's YOUR right as a parent, and YOUR right as a parent outweighs anyone else's right, including hers.
She has no right to establish her own identity, assert herself in your house, or to establish any sort of authority for herself that conflicts with your parental rights. She is a minor and as such is not legally allowed to decide anything for herself that contradicts YOUR authority.

My parents were firm, but you know what? My older brother pissed away every opportunity they gave him and did the exact opposite of what they taught us both. He got into booze, sex, and drugs early on, and when he was "legal" he was coming home drunk quite often just like the other worthless punks in the neighborhood.
They bought him 3 cars and never bought me one. My first car was given to me by a friend of my Dad's when his computer geek son had tore the engine down halfway before he realised he didn't know anything about it, then let it sit for a year, till the guy called up and asked if we wanted it - he gave me the car, and my Dad bought the parts to get it running and did all the work rebuilding the engine - still that totalled maybe $500 parts and labor, nowhere near the thousands they spent on him for cars.
I had that car maybe a month when our parents decided that I should let him use my car to go to work and I could use their van (decent-looking/running late 70's Chevy, but still it wasn't MY car).

He joined the Navy in 89 and went through Desert Storm and all that and STILL came out pretty much how he went in - a lazy ass with his hand out, falling for every chick's flattery. He's on wife #3 now with a brand new daughter, and a step-daughter, and paying child support for his 2nd ex's child that isn't his, and is constantly begging money to get by on because he WILL NOT get a "real" job. He pissed his GI Bill timeframe away - $10K free to go to school and he kept putting it off like a dumbass.
He does ok with his posters in New Orleans and says he's getting some nice offers (Island Casino wants him to do some work) but his "day job" is basically a laborer in a construction outfit that does stuff you'd find in a museum, and makes maybe $800 a month.

I work in a factory and make $1800+ a month, I bought a used 85 Dodge Daytona with my own money, put $2500 of my own money into it to fix it and keep it running (parents put out maybe $600 total on parts and to have the front seats recovered), then I bought a 2002 Impala in January of 2002 with my own money and a credit rating I earned. I don't pay any alimony/child support, can pretty much buy any damn thing I want with a $7500 credit card that I worked up from a $300 card, don't drink, don't do drugs (smoked weed a few times for like a year when I was 15-16 but who didn't?), and don't chase the poon like some ignorant dog, and I'm helping my parents with their bills and have been for the last 10+ years. I would do anything for them because they raised me properly, and I learned to keep my nose clean and not to fuck up - I learned the consequences by watching my brother fuck himself up and over time after time because he thought he knew everything and wanted to "be free".

The point? Some kids are too fuckin stupid to learn what you are trying to teach them until it's too late, but that doesn't mean you don't have to try. If she comes up pregnant and crying, tell her to shut it; she earned it. If she comes up dead like those two in Florida, that one will be all on you and the mother if you don't at least try to teach the dumbass not to be a dumbass.

As for the "step-daughter" issue, if you've legally adopted her, then you ARE her father. In some states, marriage alone dictates that you are the father, and in most states, if you're listed as head of household on your tax records, house note, homeowner's insurance policy, or contribute 50% or more to the total household income/upkeep, you are the father, and you raise the kids.

[GodOfRhythm]

Re: Step-Daughter\'s Cell Phone

That's all nice and well, Newcenstein, but being a parent also implies having sympathy and feeling for your children. It's not a Dictator kind of relationship.

[Markus]

Re: Step-Daughter\'s Cell Phone

I worked as a Child Psychiatric Counselor on an in-patient child and adolescent unit for nine years. I saw this one quite a bit.

The fact that your SO/wife is bipolar throws a whole other set of problems at this. It sounds she has never been a parent because she has been dealing with her own issues. So starting to set limits now will be tough but needs doing. If you have a child who is sneaking out at night, a cell phone is the least of your worries. Although I do have to ask what a 14 year old needs with a cell phone?

I'm not gonna offer any advice here. I hope both she and her mother are in some sort of counseling. I feel for you. It's hard to have a healthy relationship with someone who is unhealthy.

-Mark