Is there something wrong with me.....

[LouSiffer]

This is one of the few moments you will ever see me serious. My wife and I got into an argument over this:

Today started off like any other day. I get up, take a shower and head to work. We have the Memorial Golf Tournament here next weekend and my company is neck deep in it. They asked me if I would work there...te perks are some nice Polo shirts, paid time and a half, free beer as long as we do not get sloshy and a very possible meet and greet with the some of the pro's. Of course I said " Yes". This just turned into an excellent day....that got shot to shit with a phone call.

Before I go any further, let me give you an idea about me. I am probably the most cool headed person you could meet in a bad situation. To give you an example: When I was a deputy, I went to a call regarding someone shooting up a house. I pull up and he starts shooting at me. I got out of my car and casually walked over to the other side for some cover. I was getting shot at and laughing about it while the shooting was taking place. Maybe this should have been my first clue.

Back to today. I literally just walked into my house and my phone starts going ape shit and I realized I had 4 voice mails. I check my mail, my first one was my brother-in-law telling me to ..."call him ASAP....its an emergency and its bad...". I listen to the next 3 and its my mother and my sister crying to the point that I could not understand them. Yup, someone close in my family had passed away today. I call and find out it was my grandmother. I was VERY, VERY close to her. She was a sweet and caring lady with alot of knowledge. I spent alot of time with her growing up as a kid. I would spend entire summers at her house and hardly ever talked to my parents. She was not ill and this happened very unexpectedly.

Why did my wife and I get into an argument you ask. She is upset because I do not have the ability to be saddened, cry, disturbed or whatever she thinks I should be. She is upset and crying because we just spent all day Sunday with her and my wife still can not believe she is gone...its hard for me to believe as well. My mother of course is in complete hysterics of course. I am not happy about it.....its just that things like this do no bother me for some reason. Is this normal or not?-Lou

To my grandmother: You will always be in my heart and I will cherish the time we have spent together. I love you . -Shane [img]/images/graemlins/headbang.gif[/img]

[markD]

Re: Is there something wrong with me.....

dude, sorry for your loss. losing someone close is always hard. but i can understand why you think something is wrong with you. it's the same for me. i do not cry when people die. my wife thinks i am cold hearted and evil. she thinks i am too self centered to care. she is wrong. i just accept that death is a part of life. instead of feeling sorrow over htem being gone, i reflect on the good memories and cherish the time i had with them. i think you are normal.

[VitaminG]

Re: Is there something wrong with me.....

what MD said. Everyone handles these situations differently, and despite what you see on tv, there is no "right" way to react to a situation like this.

I have lost friends, grandparents, pets & the only time I cried was when my baby daughter died. That's not to say I wasn't deeply saddened by those other deaths.

But even with the loss of our first born, there would be times in the days immediately after when the wife and I would be talking or sitting together and I would suddenly notice that I was actually feeling pretty good. It made me wonder what was wrong with me. Aren't you supposed to feel miserable and remain that way? Of course, an hour later I'd come across an article of clothing or a toy & I would be heartbroken all over again. But the fact is, even though I had some idea in my head that I should be despondent 24/7 for however long it took, life goes on and I couldn't stay miserable for long. Some happy thought would pop into my head and I'd remember better times and a smile would come, remembering my little girl. Now, I occasionally get melancholy thinking about the life she didn't get to lead, but mainly, I remember the joy we experienced in her brief time.

Shane, grieve (or don't, if that's how you handle things) and remember your grandmother in your own way. You sound pretty normal to me.

[Big D]

Re: Is there something wrong with me.....

Sorry for your loss. But yep, I think you're fine. I've lost a few people that were fairly close, never shed a tear. Not even a little bit.

On the other hand when I see starving kids in some 3rd world country, I get choked up. So because of that I don't think that my lack of emotion is because I'm a rotten uncaring prick.

Rather, I think some people (like us) are just more able to understand and accept that death is a part of the big picture we all sign up for. And mostly it is just a great chance to take nice (long) quiet nap. [img]/images/graemlins/sleep.gif[/img]

PS - in the interest of full disclosure, I cried for 3 days straight when my dog died a couple years ago. [img]/images/graemlins/frown.gif[/img]

[horns666]

Re: Is there something wrong with me.....

Dude...we have been though VERY similar experiences...I was also involved in shootings and many other insane things , that as we know come with the terrotory..

People just handle things differently..

My dept gives you three family death days...they are yours to take...all paid. When my closest grandma died..I didn't take the three days..I went to work...they insisted I should take off...but being home would just make me dwell in misery...so I opted to keep myself occupied..

Dude...we see alot of mortality...alot..more than anyone...that changes you...you become callous and desensitized (burned out) ..it's unfortunate but it is very true...well with me anyways..and a lot of cops I know..

I handle stress and bullshit with laughter or rage or both..I try to make a joke of anything and everything...but there is only a few things I couldn't laugh off ...my son , my wife ..and of course mom and dad...and my new AC Cobra if something terrible would ever happen to it..he hee

I can handle just about any kind of drama you can throw me...and I'll take care of it..I take care of a lot of people I care about who who need me...

there is ONLY one thing I would consider suicide for...and that would be the loss of my son...I could get through anything else..and have....but not that.

right now I have a problem with people...I have a great disdain and distrust for them that runs deep...that is NOT going to change anytime soon....it was a slow process to grow to hate them..and it's still growing.

I am easily provoked and I will act upon that with anyone , anytime...that is something I want to change (for my own good) ..but it is very hard to ignore shit and idiots sometimes...especially when you're having one of those days..and I have those days all the time.

I'm sorry about your Gram dude...I miss mine very much and think of her all the time..

My Grandma was the ONLY person in my world that I could do no wrong in her eyes...If I killed the pope...she would say he deserved it...that is how she was...and that is gone..

So , No to me you're perfectly normal...it may hit you later...or at random times down the road...

There is little that could evoke fear or sympathy from me when it comes to people that don't concern me..It used to , and I still think of those times when it did...but not no more..all my fear , caring , apathy is all used up...it is spent to be honest...I don't care about nobody but myself these days...and it is much better this way for me and mine..that's all that matters..

I will go out of my way to help a good person in need ,but good people are few and far between to me...they are a ugly , nasty creature that truly suck ass IMO...and I have no use for them ..but they seem to always need ME!

to say that I'm cynical is an understatement..

BUT I wasn't always like this...this is what "people" has made me..

so am I normal..I guess not...but I can't change..

people don't change who they are...they are born who they are and they will die that same person..nobody is exempt.

Take care bro...you're a good dude.

again I'm sorry...you want to hold your grandma in your heart the same way I do....I haven't visited the cemetary since she die...not because I don't love her...but because she's not there...she is a part of who I am...that is where she is...

[JACKSONFREAK]

Re: Is there something wrong with me.....

Shane.. Sorry for your loss. As everyone has said we all deal with death and sorrow differantly. I'm one who cries and im not afriad to admit it. It doesnt make meless of a man but some say it may help me live longer because I deal with it and let it out and move on. Life is funny. I lost my dad in 89 to cancer. we all knoew it was comming so the shock wasnt as bad but it was still there. Sudden death is the hardest to deal with. There's questions that arise a lot of times and not finding the answers leads to other emotions and frustration. The greife then seems to get secondary to the thoughts of finding the answers. I dont mean to ramble. (even though im good at it). You are normal. I konkw alot of people and they all deal with things like this differantly. when my dad died I cried myself to sleep for about a week. Then i realized he was no longer in pain and was happy again.The sadness i felt was my selfishness cus i missed him. Mydad was my best friend my mentor and my support even tho there were those times we didnt see eye to eye. I still here his voice in my head and see his smile. He will always be with me. And shane your gramma will always be with you. deal with the greife you feel as you see fit. You are you and she helped make you who you are. She'll always be with you. If your wife cant understand why you dont cry or dont show sorrow or sadness. Just tell her gramma wouldnt want you to cry over her. she would wnat you to be strong for the rest of the family. Hey it may work.
Gil

[LouSiffer]

Re: Is there something wrong with me.....

Thanks guys, just wanted to make sure I wasn't a complete souless prick.

Bill, I think you and I were cast from the same mold.-Lou

[donf]

Re: Is there something wrong with me.....

[img]/images/graemlins/frown.gif[/img] Sorry for your loss bro. My Grandmother was my favorite and I took it hard, but wasn't very emotional outwardly either. Sometimes when an event like that happens you realize how many other people are affected by it, so you worry about getting things done and become very mechanical.
I use to have to do that when I was military and I had to present the flag to the widow or widower. Some situations can get emotional if you let it. My case, I had to do my job, so I knew what I had to do and mechanics took over.

Sorry again for your loss. [img]/images/graemlins/frown.gif[/img]

[Shawn Lutz]

Re: Is there something wrong with me.....

I'm sorry for your the loss of you grandmother and my condolences and prayers go out to you and your family.

The truth of the matter is that everyone grieves differently and you don't have to be a sobbing wreck to feel the pain in losing of a loved one. It doesn't mean you didn't love them any more or any less if you don't cry.

[Ace]

Re: Is there something wrong with me.....

I too am sorry for your loss my friend. And I too agree with what is being said here. People grieve differently. I didn't cry when my grandparents passed on, and I loved them very much and I was very close to them. It's just that I felt I could better remember them by reflecting on the positive lessons and traits I learned from them.

Think of it this way... When you die, how do you want to be remembered? I personally don't want all my friends and family heartbroken, their pain is my pain. I want them to reflect on our time together and celebrate my life, not mourn my death.

Remember that this is hard on your wife too. She may be emotional right now and can't understand why you don't react the same way she does. Show her that you are understanding and compassionate.

And if you are the one who is keeping a clear head while everyone is grieving, this would be a good time to step up and shoulder some of the responsiblities that surface in times like these. With someone's passing comes a fair amount of paperwork and arrangements to be made and what not, and often the people who need to be taking care of these issues have to do this while in the midst of their mourning, making it harder for them. If you can find ways to help out your family, that would be a geat way to show your support. Whenever something tragic happens in my family my father cooks food and brings it to help out people mourning. He told me that "in times like these people have so many issues to worry about that they don't have time to cook, or much of an appetitie. And bringing food and being good company helps people a great deal".

That said, there is nothing wrong with you. Go be there for the people who need you, that's what your grandmother would most likely want.

[guitarsjb]

Re: Is there something wrong with me.....

I'm sorry for your loss. You are in my thoughts. And no, there is nothing wrong with you. Everyone deals with things differently. You are fine.

[Thoraby]

Re: Is there something wrong with me.....

Crying, being sad and mourning is just a waste of time. The less of it you do the better. Be HAAAAAPPY. My Grandma died two years ago. I said OK, was kinda down for a day, then I was fine. An old friend of mine which I knew ever since I came to sweden, he was like my father for many years, died of cancer. I said OK and went on, I cherished the memories I had, and what he had taught me. I just accepted it.

My 3 year old cousin died of a brain tumour. She got treatment, everybody thought she was fine, then the tumour grew back out. 3 years old! It's just not fucking fair.
I felt horrible for her mother, father and brother, but I didn't mourn her.

I don't relly think anybody wants to be mourned. I sure wouldn't want to be. Although I have to admit, people wouldn't have half the fun they're having without me.

Arrgh
/Thoraby the pirate

[atomic charvel guy]

Re: Is there something wrong with me.....

just because you're not crying does not mean that you aren't very much feeling possibly worse than anyone else there. plus you still are taking it in right now. i'm sorry.

[metallicarocks]

Re: Is there something wrong with me.....

[ QUOTE ]
Dude...we see alot of mortality...alot..more than anyone...that changes you...you become callous and desensitized (burned out) ..it's unfortunate but it is very true...well with me anyways..and a lot of cops I know..

[/ QUOTE ]

I think this contributes, but sometimes people just don't believe it at first. It's very common to deny that things have happened the way they have. As for me, I'm usually doing good for the first few days and then I start feeling depressed because it sinks in that they're gone. I actually feel guilty about not feeling bad sometimes, but yes as I see something of theirs or something that reminds me of them I am depressed all over again.

We all deal with stress different ways. Good luck with however you do it with yours, and hope things return to normal soon.

[lerxstcat]

Re: Is there something wrong with me.....

Shane, I'm sorry for your loss. People grieve differently, that's very true. Also, it's good for a family when someone can take it calmly and deal with the situation. Some of your family may take it the wrong way, as your wife has, but in the long run they will realize that it's good that somene stayed calm and strong. It stabilizes the family.