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*Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony
wasn't much, but the reception was excellent
*A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you,
but don't start anything."
*Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
*A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
*A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A
beer please, and one for the road."
*Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this
taste funny to you?"
*"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?"
Well, "It's Not Unusual."
*Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly,
"I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
*An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look
at either.
*Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
*I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find
any.
*A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I
know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
*I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
*What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
*Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender
here?"
*A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess
looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per
passenger."
*Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says
"Dam!".
*Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.
Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and
heat it too.
*Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron," The
other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm
positive."
*Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
*A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?"
they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand
chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
*A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a
family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth
mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If
you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
*These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
*Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made !
him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made
him ......................... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
*A person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.
*what's the difference between canada and minnesota?
in minnesota moosehead is a beer, in canada it's a misdemeanor.
*Man walks into a bar and sees a buddy sitting at the end waching tv. Walks up to him and says, "hows it going" his buddy replies, "Awesome, my team is covering the spread and I'm going to win a bundle. I'm having a fantastic day."
How's your day going? The guy standing there saws, "I'm having a great day too. I woke up had a big breakfast and went for a walk down the railway tracks towards the lake. You wouldn't believe what happened next".
His bud sitting there asks, "What".
"As I was walking along there was this chick naked and tied up on the tracks".
"No way. So what did you do?" says his buddy
"Well first I untied her and we made love for a couple of hours"
"You lucky dog, was she good lookin"? asked his buddy.
He replies, "I don't know, I couldn't find her head".
*After months of ill health, a man goes to his doctor for a complete check-up. The doctor comes out with the results.
"I'm afraid I have some bad news," says the physician. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."
"Oh, that's terrible!" Says the man.
"How long have I got?"
"Ten," the doctor says.
"Ten?" the man asks.
"Ten what? Months? Weeks? Years? What do you mean?"
The doctor looks at him sadly. "Nine…"
*A baby seal walks into a bar.
Bartenders says "what can I get you"
Baby Seal says........"anything but a Canadian club!"
*A woman gets on a bus with her baby. As she pays for her ticket, the bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen. Ugh!"
The woman sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You shouldn't take that. You tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey."
*3 newfies every year go on a fishing trip to northern Ontario. This year was the most hottest, humid yet. They're out on the lake the one day just wearing their shorts. All of a sudden Bob at the back of the boat falls in and the other two watch him sink out of site. They look at each other and say,"Gee one of us should jump in and save him from drowning", So the one guy jumps in and is down there for over 2 minutes. Finally he comes up and the other guy helps him bring the limp guy in the boat.
The guy in the boat starts giving him mouth to mouth because he's not breathing. Then says, "Oh god, I didn't realize Bob had such bad breath". The other guy says," I didn't realize Bob was wearing a snowmobile suit either".
*Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac? He stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog.
*A neutron walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and says, "no charge."
*Bill Clinton and Senator Hillary Clinton were at a Yankees game. Before the game began a secret service man came up to him and whispered in his ear. Bill Clinton suddenly picked up Hillary and threw her out on the field. The secret service man came running up to him and said, "Mr. President Sir, I think you misunderstood me, I said throw out the first pitch."
[img]/images/graemlins/sick.gif[/img] [img]/images/graemlins/sleep.gif[/img] [img]/images/graemlins/laugh.gif[/img]
wasn't much, but the reception was excellent
*A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you,
but don't start anything."
*Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
*A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
*A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A
beer please, and one for the road."
*Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this
taste funny to you?"
*"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?"
Well, "It's Not Unusual."
*Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly,
"I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
*An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look
at either.
*Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
*I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find
any.
*A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I
know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
*I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
*What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
*Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender
here?"
*A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess
looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per
passenger."
*Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says
"Dam!".
*Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.
Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and
heat it too.
*Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron," The
other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm
positive."
*Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
*A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?"
they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand
chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
*A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a
family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth
mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If
you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
*These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
*Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made !
him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made
him ......................... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
*A person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.
*what's the difference between canada and minnesota?
in minnesota moosehead is a beer, in canada it's a misdemeanor.
*Man walks into a bar and sees a buddy sitting at the end waching tv. Walks up to him and says, "hows it going" his buddy replies, "Awesome, my team is covering the spread and I'm going to win a bundle. I'm having a fantastic day."
How's your day going? The guy standing there saws, "I'm having a great day too. I woke up had a big breakfast and went for a walk down the railway tracks towards the lake. You wouldn't believe what happened next".
His bud sitting there asks, "What".
"As I was walking along there was this chick naked and tied up on the tracks".
"No way. So what did you do?" says his buddy
"Well first I untied her and we made love for a couple of hours"
"You lucky dog, was she good lookin"? asked his buddy.
He replies, "I don't know, I couldn't find her head".
*After months of ill health, a man goes to his doctor for a complete check-up. The doctor comes out with the results.
"I'm afraid I have some bad news," says the physician. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."
"Oh, that's terrible!" Says the man.
"How long have I got?"
"Ten," the doctor says.
"Ten?" the man asks.
"Ten what? Months? Weeks? Years? What do you mean?"
The doctor looks at him sadly. "Nine…"
*A baby seal walks into a bar.
Bartenders says "what can I get you"
Baby Seal says........"anything but a Canadian club!"
*A woman gets on a bus with her baby. As she pays for her ticket, the bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen. Ugh!"
The woman sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You shouldn't take that. You tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey."
*3 newfies every year go on a fishing trip to northern Ontario. This year was the most hottest, humid yet. They're out on the lake the one day just wearing their shorts. All of a sudden Bob at the back of the boat falls in and the other two watch him sink out of site. They look at each other and say,"Gee one of us should jump in and save him from drowning", So the one guy jumps in and is down there for over 2 minutes. Finally he comes up and the other guy helps him bring the limp guy in the boat.
The guy in the boat starts giving him mouth to mouth because he's not breathing. Then says, "Oh god, I didn't realize Bob had such bad breath". The other guy says," I didn't realize Bob was wearing a snowmobile suit either".
*Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac? He stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog.
*A neutron walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and says, "no charge."
*Bill Clinton and Senator Hillary Clinton were at a Yankees game. Before the game began a secret service man came up to him and whispered in his ear. Bill Clinton suddenly picked up Hillary and threw her out on the field. The secret service man came running up to him and said, "Mr. President Sir, I think you misunderstood me, I said throw out the first pitch."
[img]/images/graemlins/sick.gif[/img] [img]/images/graemlins/sleep.gif[/img] [img]/images/graemlins/laugh.gif[/img]
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