Lame Jokes

[Chameleonfong]

Re: Lame Jokes

There was an American, a Texan, and a Canadian driving
through the woods when their car broke down in the woods.
The three men walked up the road and a couple of hours
later came to an old home. They knocked on the door.

An old lady answered the door "Yes?"

The American Spoke "My friends and I need a place to stay
for the night since our car broke down back a few miles.
May we stay the night?"

The woman replied "Certainly, but don't open the green
door" (indicating the green door to her right). In the
middle of the night, the three men awakened to use the
bathroom, and they all agreed that was probably where it
was. So they snuck out and opened the door.

The woman was standing there - "Ah ha! Caught you!"

Behind her were all of these dicks hanging from the ceil-
ing. She first went to the American - "What's your daddy
do for a living?"

The American replied "He's a surgeon"

So the woman took a scalpel, cut his dick off, and hung
it up.

Next, the woman went to the Texan and asked "What's your
daddy do for a living?"

The Texan replied "He's a lumberjack"

So the woman took a woodsman axe, cut his dick off, and
hung it up.

Finally, the woman approached the Canadian and asked, "And
what does your daddy do for a living?"

The Canadian replied "He's a lollipop maker."

[Tekky]

Re: Lame Jokes

Government Job

A guy goes to the U.S. Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?"

"Yes," he says. "I was in Viet Nam for three years"

The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment" and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes 100%...a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."

The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 A.M."

The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M."

"This is a government job" the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls....... no point in you coming in for that."

[Chameleonfong]

Re: Lame Jokes


"In my case," said the student to the sex researcher, "when I
get it part way in, my vision blurs. And when it's all the
way in, I can't see a thing."

"Now, that's a most interesting optical reaction. It may have
physiological as well as psychological basis," the researcher
replied. "If you don't mind young man, I should like to have
a look at it."

So the student volunteer shrugged and stuck out his tongue.

[VitaminG]

Re: Lame Jokes

This bloke in Sydney goes into shop and asks for Irish Sausages.

The Assistant looked at him and asked "Are you Irish?"

"If I asked you for Italian Sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?"

"Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?"

"Or if I asked you for a Kosher Hot Dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?"

"Or, if I asked you for a Taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican? Would ya, ay? Would Ya?"

The assistant says, "Well, no".

"And if I asked you for some Bourbon Whiskey, would you ask me if I was American? What about Danish Bacon? Would you ask me if I was Danish?"

"Well, I probably wouldn't."

With self-indignation, the man says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because I asked for Irish Sausages?"

The assistant replies, "Because this is a hardware store."

[TheSteveMan]

Re: Lame Jokes

Chem teacher told this one...

A proton walks into a coffee shop and sits down at the counter. The barista asks, "Can I get you anything?"
The proton replies, "No, not yet, I'm waiting for a friend."
To which the barista replies, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm positive."

Later on a neutron walks into the same shop, sits down at a booth and orders a sandwich. The barista's response is, "OK, for you, no charge."

[horns666]

Re: Lame Jokes

Two dudes talking about their weekend at work on a Monday morn.

Dude how was your weekend..."it sucked ass" replied the other dude.

why what happenned.."well I come home , my wife all horned up and has all thes fucking candles lit , So I'm banging her , I knock a candle over and I burned my whole fuggin' house down".

the other dude doesn't even show concern and shouts..."THAT'S NOTHING!!!!"..

"what , did you hear what I said!!??"..

"Yeah big deal"..and continues his drama.

"I go out bar hoppin' trying to score a babe..got totally shit faced ..went home and blew chunks all night"..

"SO , who cares what's the big deal , that's nothin....WTF...how can you even compare"

Dude breaks in "NO , NO , NO.. you don't understand see ...Chunks is my Dog!!!"... [img]/images/graemlins/what.gif[/img] [img]/images/graemlins/sick.gif[/img] [img]/images/graemlins/brow.gif[/img]

[img]/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img]

[YetAnotherOne]

Re: Lame Jokes

A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar, the bartender looks at them and says, "What is this, some kind of fucking joke?"

[horns666]

Re: Lame Jokes

A priest and a Rabbi are standing on a corner just talkin'...a little boy walks by...The priest whispers to the Rabbi.."hey, lets fuck him!"...the Rabbi replies.."outta what?"

[img]/images/graemlins/tongue.gif[/img]

[horns666]

Re: Lame Jokes

hey, I was hit 666...COOL!!!

[Chameleonfong]

Re: Lame Jokes

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin
because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he
goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this
question.

After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son,
after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is
work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."

The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?"
So he goes to a minister, who after all is a married
man and experienced in this matter. He queries the
minister and receives the same reply. "Sex is work
and therefore not for the Sabbath!"

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi, a
man of thousands of years of tradition and knowledge.
The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son,
sex is definitely play."

The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when
so many others tell me sex is work?"

The Rabbi softly speaks, "My son, if sex was work, my
wife would have the maid do it!"

[npacheco]

Re: Lame Jokes

I read Great Expectations last night.

You know, it wasn't as good as I thought it would be [img]/images/graemlins/laugh.gif[/img]

[toejam]

Re: Lame Jokes

Accident or tragedy

What is a Tragedy?
Jesse Jackson, while visiting a primary school class, found
himself in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the Rev. Jackson if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy." So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy."
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy." "No," says the Great Jesse Jackson, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50
children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explains the exalted spiritual leader. "That's what we would call a great loss."
The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Rev. Jackson searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: "If a plane carrying the Rev. Jackson were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy." "Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it sure wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident either." [img]/images/graemlins/laugh.gif[/img] [img]/images/graemlins/laugh.gif[/img] [img]/images/graemlins/laugh.gif[/img]

[donf]

Re: Lame Jokes

Before the class leaves for the weekend, the teacher gives them an assignment;

She's says "class, for your homework, I want you to write a poem, but somewhere in the body of the poem the word Timbuktu must appear"

So the weekend comes and goes. On Monday morning the teacher walks into the classroom as says, "Whose gonna be the first to read me their poem?"

Little Johnny raises his hand and waves it frantically. The teacher notices and says to herself, I ain't picking him, so she point to the other side of the room as say "go ahead Elizabeth, read your poem"

Elizabeth stands up and starts to read;

"Across the desert in a caravan we'll go,
The caravan will move real, real slow,
The sand is brown, the sky is blue'
Our destination.......Timbuktu"


Excellent! the teacher says,
Ok, whose next?
Little Johnny waves his hand frantically again, She thinks "no friggin way".

She points to the the other side of the classroom, "Ok, Ralph, go ahead and read yours".

Ralph stands up and recites;

"My darling dear, I love you so,
It breaks my heart, you had to go,
But soon, I will see you too,
When we both fly into Timbuktu"

Terrific! She asks again and this time Johnnys hand is the only one up....."OK Johnny, go ahead and read your poem to the class.

Johnny stands up with his chest puffing out and reads his poem off the paper in front of him;

"Tim and I, a huntin we went,
When we came upon three women in a tent,
There was three of them, and we were only two,
So, I bucked one...and Tim Bucked Two. [img]/images/graemlins/tongue.gif[/img] [img]/images/graemlins/tongue.gif[/img]

[rjohnstone]

Re: Lame Jokes

[ QUOTE ]
What does an elephant use for tampon? [img]/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]

[/ QUOTE ]
Sheep... Baaaa

[stevieb91]

Re: Lame Jokes

Two Blondes walk into a building......


You would think one of them would have seen it coming....