Lame Jokes

[toejam]

Re: Lame Jokes

[img]/images/graemlins/laugh.gif[/img] Why'd the blonde get fired from the M & M factory? She was throwing out all the Ws.

[VitaminG]

Re: Lame Jokes

what's short and brown and walks upstairs backwards?

A corgi with a hard-on

[Chameleonfong]

Re: Lame Jokes

The farmer and his wife had worked hard, scrimped and saved
to send their son to college. As soon as he had enrolled, he
started to grow a beard. Next he grew a large moustache and
sideburns. Being pleased with his new hirsute adornment, he
had his picture taken and sent it off to his parents.

On the back of the photo he scrawled: "How do you like it?
Don't I look like a count?"

Shortly after, the son received this terse note: "You idiot,
it cost us a fortune to send you to college, and you can't
even spell!"
..

[atomic charvel guy]

Re: Lame Jokes

what's black, lives in a tree, and is dangerous?
a crowe with a submachine gun.

[Chameleonfong]

Re: Lame Jokes

Morris had proposed to young Sherry, and was being interviewed
by Sam, his prospective father-in-law.

"Do you think you are earning enough to support a family?"
the older man asked Morris the suitor.

"Yes, sir," replied Morris, "I'm sure that I am."

"Think long and carefully now," said Sherry's father.
"There are twelve of us...including uncle Izzy"

[VitaminG]

Re: Lame Jokes

A little old couple prepares to go to bed. They no sooner hit the pillows when the old man farts and says, "Five Points." His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied, "its fart Rugby."

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, "Try and conversion 7points". After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Penalty - 10 to 7."

Not to be outdone, the wife rips out another one and says, "Penalty 10 each."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Drop goal, I lead 13 to 10."

Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard, but to no avail. Realising a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally he craps in the bed. The wife says, "What the hell was that?"

The old man says, "Half time, change sides."

[Chameleonfong]

Re: Lame Jokes

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad new is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need a new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new
suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck." Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years" Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked,

"How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure." The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36." Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

..New suit - $400
..New shirt - $36
..New underwear - $6
..Second Opinion - PRICELESS..

[Chameleonfong]

Re: Lame Jokes

The Pope calls his mother right after being elected Pope.

Pope: "Hi mom, I've got some good news and some bad news."

Mother: "What's the good news?"

Pope: "I've just been elected Pope."

Mother: "What's the bad news?"

Pope: "I have to move into an Italian neighborhood."

[Chameleonfong]

Re: Lame Jokes

A pretty young lass had just joined the club, and Greg offered
to give her some instruction. He stood close behind her and
showed her how grip the club and how to swing back and forward.

Their moving bodies caused the zipper on his fly to get caught
in the zipper of her skirt. They were stuck fast together.
Slowly they were moving towards the club house to get
assistance, when suddenly a big brown dog jumped out from
behind a bush and threw a bucket water over them. .

[stevieb91]

Re: Lame Jokes

A blond walks into a hardware store and spies this shiny,cylindrical object on a shelf in the back.

She wanders her way back to the shelf and finds a store employee working near by.She says"Excuse me,can you please tell me what this is?"

He replies"Yes,ma'am.That is a thermos."

"A thermos?" She replies,"What does it do?"

"Well,ma'am,it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." he responds.

With a puzzled look on her face,she says"Really?Does it work?"

"I use mine faithfully,everyday,and it has never failed me."

"Wow,I gotta get one of those" she says,takes one from the shelf,pays for it and leaves the store.

The next day,she proudly carries it to work,walks into another blond's office and sets it on her daek.

"What is that?" the other blond asks...

"A thermos" she replies.

"Wow,what does it do?" the second blond asks.
"Well,the guy at the store says it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."

The coworker says"Wow,does it really work?"

"I don't know,I just got it yesterday" she replies.

"Well,what did you put in it" the second blond asks..

"Two cups of coffee and a popsicle."

[stevieb91]

Re: Lame Jokes

What do you call an Amish man with his arm up a horse's ass?


A mechanic.

What do you get when you turn a blond upside down?

A brunette with bad breath..

[stevieb91]

Re: Lame Jokes

An Amish boy wakes one morning and comes downstairs to the kitchen and sits at the table.His mother says"Now son,you know the rules,no breakfast until after your chores are done."

The boy huffs and walks out the door and heads for the barn.

He walks over to the chickens,and kicks one,mumbling "stupid chickens."

He walks over to the pigs,kicks one and mumbles"Stupid pigs."

He walks over to the cow,stands on the milking stool,and kicks the cow square in the ass mumbling"stupid cow."

He then returns to the kitchen,resumingf his place at the table.

His mother promply sets a bowl of dry cereal in front of him and turns away from him.

Puzzled,the boy asks "What kind of breakfast is this?"

The mother says"I saw what you did out there.You kicked the chickens,therefore you get no eggs.You kicked the pigs,therefore you get no bacon.Since you kicked the cow,you shall have no milk.Enjoy your breakfast."

As the boy sat there choking down his dry cereal,there was the loud,squealing meeeeeeeeeeooow from behind him,the cat came rolling down the stairs..

"Stupid cat" the boy's father said.

With a sheepish grin,the boy looks up and says"Well,Mom,do I get to tell Dad or do you want to?"

[Mr. Poon]

Re: Lame Jokes

12 Polish guys were beating up a German.

The German screamed, "Nein!!! Nein!!"

So three of them went home.

[QuantumRider]

Re: Lame Jokes

A young marine was stationed over in Korea, and he got lucky with a local girl. A few weeks later, he noticed that his penis had turned blue and was swollen. Thinking that whatever disease he picked up could be taken care of with a shot of penicillin, he went to see the medic.

Upon having the symptoms described to him and seeing the marine's blue swollen penis, the medic says,

"I've got some bad news for you buddy. You picked up some Asian herpes. That's gotta be amputated"

Shocked, the marine goes to get a second opinion from the base doctor. The doctor takes a blood sample, and looks through a microscope to see the Asian herpes swarming in the glass slide.

"Bad news, son. There's no cure for Asian herpes. I'm going to have to amputate your penis."

The marine goes off base to seek out a local physician, figuring that a Korean doctor would be more familiar with his particular ailment. The doctor examines the marine, and says,
"Ahh. I see you picked up some Asian herpes."
"I know doc. Two other doctors told me they would have to amputate my dick!"

With a disgusted snort, the Korean doctor says,
"American doctors! All they want to do is cut! cut! cut!"

Relieved, the marine says,
"You mean my dick doesn't have to be amputated?"

With a smile, the Korean doctor says,
"Of course not! Wait two more weeks, your dick will fall off all by itself!"

[RacerX]

Re: Lame Jokes

sonicsamurai


Bwahahahahaha!