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DON'T waste money on expensive iPods. Simply think of your favourite tune
>and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song
>you like and hum that instead.
>
>CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having
>a
>pee before the film starts.
>
>RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually
>speaking clearly in the first place.
>
>DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity
>stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old
>bank statements.
>
>WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red
>wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove
the
>stains.
>
>SOLDIERS Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial
>tomfoolery after a trip to Trueprint.
>
>MURDERERS Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to
>yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.
>
>BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking
>out
>at 90 degrees, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their
>dogs on you.
>
>EMPLOYERS Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs
>into the bin.
>
>MEN When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the
>volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your
>wife from having to do it.
>
>GAMBLERS. For a new gambling opportunity, try sending GBP50 to yourself
by
>Royal Mail.
>
>BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very
>small horse is approaching.
>
>BLIND PEOPLE Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not
>wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.
>
>ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.
>
>
>DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn
and
>wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them
>on
>their way.
>
>PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving
>everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the
>morning, simply move it all back again.
>
>CAR thieves Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables
>may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.
>
>DEPRESSED people. Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help', simply
>shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.
>
>MOTORISTS Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving.
>Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you
>are
>listening to the sea.
>
>JEREMY Beadle When selling DVDs on your TV advert, hold the disks in your
>bigger hand so that they do not appear to be the size of laser disks.
>
>SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.
>
>SINGLE men Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside
>Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally
>glancing inside.
>
>BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into
>boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3
>miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.
>
>ALCOHOLICS don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub,
>where a large selection is available at retail prices.
>
>McDONALD'S Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in
>with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.
>
>
>
>And the absolute belter for last....
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>WOMEN Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't give a sh*t
>anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house after you've
>been banged.
>and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song
>you like and hum that instead.
>
>CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having
>a
>pee before the film starts.
>
>RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually
>speaking clearly in the first place.
>
>DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity
>stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old
>bank statements.
>
>WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red
>wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove
the
>stains.
>
>SOLDIERS Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial
>tomfoolery after a trip to Trueprint.
>
>MURDERERS Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to
>yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.
>
>BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking
>out
>at 90 degrees, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their
>dogs on you.
>
>EMPLOYERS Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs
>into the bin.
>
>MEN When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the
>volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your
>wife from having to do it.
>
>GAMBLERS. For a new gambling opportunity, try sending GBP50 to yourself
by
>Royal Mail.
>
>BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very
>small horse is approaching.
>
>BLIND PEOPLE Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not
>wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.
>
>ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.
>
>
>DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn
and
>wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them
>on
>their way.
>
>PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving
>everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the
>morning, simply move it all back again.
>
>CAR thieves Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables
>may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.
>
>DEPRESSED people. Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help', simply
>shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.
>
>MOTORISTS Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving.
>Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you
>are
>listening to the sea.
>
>JEREMY Beadle When selling DVDs on your TV advert, hold the disks in your
>bigger hand so that they do not appear to be the size of laser disks.
>
>SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.
>
>SINGLE men Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside
>Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally
>glancing inside.
>
>BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into
>boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3
>miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.
>
>ALCOHOLICS don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub,
>where a large selection is available at retail prices.
>
>McDONALD'S Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in
>with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.
>
>
>
>And the absolute belter for last....
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>WOMEN Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't give a sh*t
>anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house after you've
>been banged.
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