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I've been thinking a lot lately, mostly about the guilt that I feel whenever I spend money on luxuries - guitars, movies, music, etc. I feel guilty that while I wonder what guitar I should buy next, or what movie I should see, there are millions of people who with just a few dollars could be vaccinated against diseases or have food for days.
I don't feel as though I DESERVE the things that I have. I've kept track of the money that I spent on luxuries for the past 2 months. Stuff like movies, music, eating at restaurants, guitar stuff, etc. I spent $578.67 in 2 months on shit that I could have easily passed up without having much affect on me. The $578 could have gone to charity, and helped someone who was malnourished, starved, diseased, etc. As you read/skim this, you might think that I'm trying to push some charity, but I'm not. In fact the most disturbing realization that I've come across is this:
I don't care.
What don't I care about? Well, that's easy. I don't care about the 1.1 billion people in the world that live on less than $1 a day. I don't care about the 3 million people die from malaria and 1.75 million from tuberculosis each year even though there are already cures for such diseases. I can play this numbers game forever. I'm great at throwing numbers around. But numbers, numbers mean nothing. Show me a number and I won't understand what it means. For all I know, 1.1 billion people and 1 person dying are the same thing- in both cases, I haven't spent a dime to help diminish either number.
When I say I want to care, I don't mean I want to "logically" care. I already can do that. I can say, "oh, people are dying, that's horrible" and motivate myself to "care" in that way. But when I say I want to care, I want to "emotionally care". I want to go to sleep at night feeling horrible because somebody out there doesn't have a bed. When it's freezing outside, I don't want to think "It's cold", I want to think, "Wow, how could you possibly live in this weather on less that $1 a day?". I guess I'll know when I "emotionally care", when one day I start crying incessantly because people are dying and I can't do anything about it.
/end rant
For those of you who read or skimmed it, I sincerely thank you. If you skipped it or read a few words, I don't blame you. I would have done the same if I saw the size of this post. I just had to let it out.
I don't feel as though I DESERVE the things that I have. I've kept track of the money that I spent on luxuries for the past 2 months. Stuff like movies, music, eating at restaurants, guitar stuff, etc. I spent $578.67 in 2 months on shit that I could have easily passed up without having much affect on me. The $578 could have gone to charity, and helped someone who was malnourished, starved, diseased, etc. As you read/skim this, you might think that I'm trying to push some charity, but I'm not. In fact the most disturbing realization that I've come across is this:
I don't care.
What don't I care about? Well, that's easy. I don't care about the 1.1 billion people in the world that live on less than $1 a day. I don't care about the 3 million people die from malaria and 1.75 million from tuberculosis each year even though there are already cures for such diseases. I can play this numbers game forever. I'm great at throwing numbers around. But numbers, numbers mean nothing. Show me a number and I won't understand what it means. For all I know, 1.1 billion people and 1 person dying are the same thing- in both cases, I haven't spent a dime to help diminish either number.
When I say I want to care, I don't mean I want to "logically" care. I already can do that. I can say, "oh, people are dying, that's horrible" and motivate myself to "care" in that way. But when I say I want to care, I want to "emotionally care". I want to go to sleep at night feeling horrible because somebody out there doesn't have a bed. When it's freezing outside, I don't want to think "It's cold", I want to think, "Wow, how could you possibly live in this weather on less that $1 a day?". I guess I'll know when I "emotionally care", when one day I start crying incessantly because people are dying and I can't do anything about it.
/end rant
For those of you who read or skimmed it, I sincerely thank you. If you skipped it or read a few words, I don't blame you. I would have done the same if I saw the size of this post. I just had to let it out.
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