Am I a bad person for feeling this way.

[Adam]

RESPECT is EVERYTHING..

You know the old cliche.."I still love you, but I'm not in love with you"..well that means you lost respect for that person..once you lose respect I don't care how much you "love" that person you'll never hold them the same light ..

The truth will set you free..it'll never bite you in the ass..and you can always remeber the truth!!

I agree with the sentiment of your post, but I don't agree that 'to love, but not be in love' necessarily indicates a lack or loss of respect.

Not cheating on his girl? Absolutely related to respect. Not being romantically in love with her anymore? Not so much, man.

Do you have to love every person you respect? If you respect a co-worker because he works hard, knows his stuff, and treats other people well, does that mean you're in love with him?

To be honest, I don't think the primary issue here is him cheating or not as much as it is him accepting and dealing with the fact that he's in a dead-end relationship (if that is in fact how he feels about it). Anyway that's my 2c.

[Flatpicker]

I don't know how I feel. I don't need a backup relationship, but knowing that someone may find me attractive or want to be with me is what i've been missing.
I've been reading these posts and doing a lot of thinking. Probably have more thinking to go.
Thanks.

[horns666]

Adam.."Do you have to love every person you respect?"

No, but you must respect everyone that you're in love with..it goes hand in hand..

When THAT respect is lost ..it's the beginning of the end.

I'm talkin' intimate relationships here, with your mates..not buds at work..

I been married for almost 20 years..I'm doin' somethin' right..

[HuntinDoug]

Ever heard of the "7 year itch"? That's when you've been married (or together) for long enough, that one of the two in the relationship "get's the itch" to move on, or grows cold. The average is 7 years. The math here is somewhat ironic: Been together for 8 years...havent "been together" for a year. 8y-1y=7years. Sounds like your GF may have that.

If you don't sit down and talk about "things" with her, where will your relationship be in a year...or two...or ten? "What if's" are difficult. You face them no matter what decision you make. Again...best of luck.

[RacerX]

Hell, even after the breakup my ex-GF would schedule sex sessions w/ me twice a week.

[Joe_Steeler]

RESPECT is EVERYTHING..

You know the old cliche.."I still love you, but I'm not in love with you"..well that means you lost respect for that person..once you lose respect I don't care how much you "love" that person you'll never hold them the same light ..

The truth will set you free..it'll never bite you in the ass..and you can always remeber the truth!!

You'll never remember a lie..

Example ..never play a "role" when trying to impress a girl , because your true self will always surface..

Be yourself, it's easy to do and it never comes off as phony..

what would I do,.. talk to your girl, lay it down, then go from there..if you don't repsect your girl and if that feeling maybe mutual..do whatever you want without remorse or regret..because you really didn't lose anything..

If you respect your girl and she respects you, then act like it, and do what's right.

Damn Bill, you and I think so much alike it is fucking scary. You said it all.
Have you ever been a bartender in upstate New York, Tampa, etc.? I've ran across you before....

[horns666]

Damn Bill, you and I think so much alike it is fucking scary. You said it all.
Have you ever been a bartender in upstate New York, Tampa, etc.? I've ran across you before....

Well I was like a bartender..I was a cop...same thing.

People always think I'm from New York, because of the way I talk..but I never been to New York.

I think it's just the Dago thing..

[Adam]

Adam.."Do you have to love every person you respect?"

No, but you must respect everyone that you're in love with..it goes hand in hand..

When THAT respect is lost ..it's the beginning of the end.

You speak the truth, Bill. My point was just that it wasn't my impression that the respect was lost - just the love. That can happen.

I'm talkin' intimate relationships here, with your mates..not buds at work..

I been married for almost 20 years..I'm doin' somethin' right..

No shit!

[horns666]

Ever heard of the "7 year itch"? That's when you've been married (or together) for long enough, that one of the two in the relationship "get's the itch" to move on, or grows cold. The average is 7 years. The math here is somewhat ironic: Been together for 8 years...havent "been together" for a year. 8y-1y=7years. Sounds like your GF may have that.

If you don't sit down and talk about "things" with her, where will your relationship be in a year...or two...or ten? "What if's" are difficult. You face them no matter what decision you make. Again...best of luck.

Yes, Yes Yes, ..and I was at the airport ...the best place for chicks in the world..and I was the metal cop with the mohawk..

so I was in a double bubble..Cops have groupies, and cool muscians have groupies ..I was tempted by many a succubuses..some 19 years old...some even younger than that!!

Everyone was tripping over their dicks over them..not me. I talked to them, flirted, even went to lunch with a few..but it was RESPECT for my awesome wife, whome I cherish.. that kept my PP in my pants..

My Dad ..Fuck, he juggled up to five steady women at one time, long ago, including my mom, he's down to two now..Yes, he's still with both..

Hey, that's not my biz..as long as they're all content...fuggit!

[RobRR]

Alright, I think I can a little insight here, as I was in a somewhat similar situation.

First off, your not a bad person at all for feeling this way. As a matter of fact, the way youve handled yourself and the situation puts you above alot of the assholes out there.

My most recent ex-gf and I... well... Whe I met her, she was awesome. Great personality, outgoing, and very sexual. Was perfect for me, I had no major problems.

Then she started getting comfortable... and started becoming her real self. Come to find out, the girl I had first fell for, wasnt the real person. It was just a show, a cry for attention... now that she got the attention she needed, she could be her real self. Which was a physically unaffectionate person.

Sex became less and less... No passion, nothing... just slam, bam thankyou ma'm. I mentioned things to her more than a few times, but nothing changed. That was just how she was. Alright, now we know sex isnt everything... but when your 24, you want to "be with" the person your with, its only natural.

I became extremely unhappy. I knew that the relationship was never going to go anywhere... but I stayed in it. I became increasingly miserable, and the worst part is that she was living with me (uninvitedly might I add)... so Ive got this person Im seeing every day and I cant even "express" my feelings to her, so I emotionally shut down completley. Obviously I felt alone, inadequate and almost betrayed.

But I couldnt get rid of her... I just couldnt do it. Bill said it, the I love you but am not IN love with you, that was it point blank. I didnt want to hurt her by telling her to get out of my life... Well I got increasingly miserable especially to her. I didnt do this intentionally, but thats the way it had to be... once I shut down, its damn near impossible to start back up no matter how hard she tried, and she knew it.

Push comes to shove, she finally left. Now Im feeling better than I have in a long time. The whole point to my story... while I thought keeping her around was not hurting her, infact it was hurting me AND her. Hindsight is always 20/20... looking back, it would have been in both of our best interests if we just called it quits long before it got to the point it had. I still care about her as another person, but thats all thats left.

And man, Im so glad I realized that now. One I KNEW she wasnt the one I wanted to marry, thats when it started going bad. I, like you, want marriage and kids... but it wasnt going to happen with her.

My advise to you:

1. DO NOT CHEAT. Im not religious by any means, but I believe in treating others as you would like to be treated. Being cheated on is my worst fear in a relationship, therefor I would NEVER do it to someone else.

2. Talk to her and tell her how you feel. Unfortunatley, I feel its beyond the point of no return for your relationship.

3. The final decision: If she tells you that she will NOT marry you and have kids, your going to have to make one of the biggest decisions of your life.

a: You can stay with her, knowing your not going to have marriage or childred. Sure, you may love her and feel comfortable, but YOU WILL NEVER NEVER NEVER be truly happy. Youll find yourself trying to irrationalize your unhappynes. Youll start telling yourself that "this is just how it is" or "I cant get anyone else so Ill just settle for her".

b: You can leave, and start over. Its going to be REAL hard... Im only talking from a <2 year relationship here, let alone 8 years. But see, your lucky... youve already got that little boost you need from her friend, to realize that you WILL find someone else! I never had that boost, so use that to your advantage. In reality, can being alone be any worse that the situation your in now? Probably not to be honest with ya... while it may not seem like it at this point, once your free youll realize what Im talking about.

I dont know ya personally, but you seem like a good guy especially because you didnt cheat on her. Your already past the first step, aknowledging that something is wrong with your relationship. Now you need to know that theres only two options... stay, or leave. Which ever you choose, dont forget to think about YOUR feelings. If your unhappy, its not fair to you or her to keep things the way they are. Im not telling you which one to choose... you need to do that on your own. Just make sure your choice is in BOTH of your best interests.

Good luck buddy!

[horns666]

You speak the truth, Bill. My point was just that it wasn't my impression that the respect was lost - just the love. That can happen.



No shit!

Yeah, actually it's going to be 19 years Nov 14th..we were together since April 26th 1984, the day after my 20th birfday..DAMN!!!

I'm old, but she still looks fantastic, and puts up with ALL my shit..that's just crazy!!!

I'm good to her , she's got it made..I take good care of her!

We take care of each other..I got it made too..to be quite honest.

We are doing pretty damn good, 'till death do us part..yep!

[Flatpicker]

Well,
I talked to her last night and got one hell of a surprise.
She admited to me that since she turned 50 she hasn't been able to get past the age issue. Thus the shutdown.
Also, she noticed the way her friend and I were getting along and would like nothing better than to see the 2 of us get together if that would make us happy.
Before you ask, I did not bring up her friend, she did.

We're still great friends and talk to each other very openly about everything, but our lives are going in different directions.

It's going to take some time for me to accept the changes.
It's not painful as I didn't lose a great friend, but I have to adjust.

[Joe_Steeler]

I am happy for you.
She appears to be very understanding and if she remains a friend, a good one for you she will be.
I hope everyhting works out for you. Be happy, you only live once.

[charvelguy]

wow... sounds like she maybe even set that up. Things seem very amicable..green light.

[Flatpicker]

wow... sounds like she maybe even set that up. Things seem very amicable..green light.

She may have.
I don't know.
I know I have to move slow with the friend because she's still sensitive from her husband. Don't think she's looking for serious yet, but I'm not sure that I am either.
The big C took him and she was a mess.