No Soliciting

[Jack The Riffer]

I once told a group of them that if I wanted them on my property I would have planted Cotton.

[SouthPlatteDemon]

I have my girlfriend scream, "Someone's trying to break in!"
Then I come running with a baseball bat.
The look on there face when I rip the door open is priceless.

Especially if they are grade school kids selling cookie dough.

[Rich#6]

Whenever anyone comes to my door trying to solicit shit I answer the door and tell them I am not interested and I can't here them because my dogs are barking so loud I can't here them. Works out well since they can see the dogs trying to get at them.
I did have one come to my door and ring the bell twice, not just ding dong, but ding ding ding ding ding. Twice like that. Then he started pounding on the door. Opened the door it was an old man and a kid and I let out a nice big FUCK OFF and I closed the door. Made me feel better.

[St.James]

I had this man and woman, older people, knock on my door one day and ask for me by name, first and last. I immediately knew what they were all about, but what pissed me off is they knew my name.

I'm a bit pissy when someone I don't know knocks on my door anyway. Unless it's a hot chick or pizza delivery... Or a hot chick with pizza and beer, but anyway...

I had these Mormon missionaries come by once. They were actually more interested in hearing my mormon history lesson and why I wasn't interested in it than they were in telling me all of the glorious benefits I'd gain giving money to their church.

[Joe_Steeler]

Every Saturday morning they hit our house... pain in the ass.

One Saturday I was installing a water softener and I had the garage door open, so I said what the fuck talk to me and I let them do their spill.
One of them fucks got me distracted, for a fraction of a second, and I glued the wrong PVC fitting on the wrong pipe.
Had to cut the pipe and go to Home Depot for another fitting because I wanted to be a nice guy.
They are pushy as hell.

[VitaminG]

I honestly have not seen one since we moved into this house last year.

but even when I did occasionally encounter one doorknocking, I just don't have the energy to fuck with these people's heads. I just tell them I'm not interested. I'm not rude, but I don't pretend to listen to what they have to say, and if they keep talking I just reiterate that I'm not interested. If after the second time they keep pitching their god at me, I tell them one last time I'm not interested and close the door on them. Lookin' at 30 seconds, maybe 60 tops.

I used to have some fun with them before fucking them off, but now I just couldn't be bothered.

[Child Of Norther]

I was once at a friend's house, he was in the john, and the doorbell goes.

Two Jehovas witnesses...


I yell "MAN! IT'S SOME JEHOVAS WITNESSES!" Up the stairs

He yells back

"HOLD ON! I'LL GET THE GUN!"

Man, they left. HAhaha

[Newc]

I usually tell them I'm non-denominational because their perversions of the Word Of God are an abomination unto God, and all He has to do is give me the OK to purge the man-made doctrines out of this world and it shall be done in a day's time, and it will be messy.

[Rsmacker]

Maybe. :ROTF:

Back in '99 when I moved into my townhouse, I went out early one Sat. morning with my puppy. There's an older black couple that live next door to me. Well, that morning there was a bunch of black people dressed up in suits and on their steps and lawn... I thought they were relatives of theirs until the one guy came up to me and asked me about my life. Oh no, I thought to myself, fuckin' Jehovahs! He introduced himself as Nate, but I said I had to go, put my puppy in the car and took off. Some months later, he and his wife came and knocked on my door, he remembered my name and tried preaching me his propagana again. I told them I was busy and couldn't be bothered. Another time, his wife showed up again by herself, I told her I couldn't be bothered again! I guess they finally got the point.

That sounds like a mate of mine who has been brainwashed by Amway (Scamway, more like). Everyone avoids him now, because he cannot stop himself from trying to hook other people no matter how much they tell him they are not interested.

Example conversation:
The Brainwashed : Hello mate, how are you? Weather's a bit poor eh?
Me: "Hello, fine ta, yep, it's a bit cold and damp"
T B-W : "Weeeeell, just think, it's nice and warm in Bermuda, and you could be sitting in the tropical sunshine sipping a cool drink. Let me tell you about a fine business opportunity........etc etc"
Me : "Aaaaaaarghh!!!!"

[m2pmd70]

Tazer?

[toejam]

Toe. She got your license plate number. It's scary. Everything you do is open to anyone who wants to know.

Maybe. :ROTF:

Back in '99 when I moved into my townhouse, I went out early one Sat. morning with my puppy. There's an older black couple that live next door to me. Well, that morning there was a bunch of black people dressed up in suits and on their steps and lawn... I thought they were relatives of theirs until the one guy came up to me and asked me about my life. Oh no, I thought to myself, fuckin' Jehovahs! He introduced himself as Nate, but I said I had to go, put my puppy in the car and took off. Some months later, he and his wife came and knocked on my door, he remembered my name and tried preaching me his propagana again. I told them I was busy and couldn't be bothered. Another time, his wife showed up again by herself, I told her I couldn't be bothered again! I guess they finally got the point.

[TreeFitty]

I use one routine for any solicitors, since they are all unwelcome. After allowing them to start their little presentation and politely answering a question or two, I begin with few subtle facial ticks (sudden hard blinks and grimmaces, etc) and then fly right into the full-on Tourettes. There's no profanity, since that's a sure sign of being a fake. Instead, I string unrelated sounds and words together with the facial ticks every 10-15 seconds. It usually doesn't take more than a "whoop whooooooop, yaaaa MARMALADE" or two before they at least crack a smile. I ask what's wrong, they tell me I'm making funny faces and noises or something to that effect, I become extremely offended and explain that I don't do business with people who have no tolerance for other's afflictions and slam the door. They go away, it entertains me, and they have a story for their friends - everybody wins.

[Big D]

I just make sure when the religous psychos come to my door that my skull and flame tattoos are showing. That pretty much takes care of it.

And if it's a good day, I might even be lucky enough to have on one of my four Iron Maiden t-shirts. My "Killers" or "Number of the Beast" shirts can actually make small children cry - and brainwashed religous people have no chance against Eddie.

[fett]

Toe. She got your license plate number. It's scary. Everything you do is open to anyone who wants to know.

[buzzsaww]

I had a solicitor one day peel off my no soliciting sticker, about 3"x5" and stuck to my mail box which was eye level just to the right of my front door, crumple it and stick it in his pocket then proceed to ring the doorbell. Little did he know I watched him from the couch. I greeted him with a "GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE" at the top of my lungs in his face. He was indignant and had the nerve to ask why I was so rude. I told him what I had just witnessed he didn't have much of a come back, just kind of stammered and shuffled off. I wanted to wring his neck but didn't think the cops would see it my way if I did. LOL.