It never ends

[Jack The Riffer]

After my wife died in January my step-daughters were put into the custody of their grandmother. My 16 yr old step-daughter wanted to stay with me so she could still be near her boyfriend. I said OK at the time but then she wanted to go to a school that was out of our district so grandma turned custody over to the boyfriends parentsbecause they lived in the district of the school she wanted to go to. My step-daughter had a falling out with them, her boyfriend and her have been staying with me for the past week even though I don't have custody. She is going to Louisiana to visit her grandmother next week and I really would prefer she stay with her grandmother since alll of the family is down there and can all help raise her better than I can as a single parent.

Yesterday she announces to me that she's pregnant and that her and her boyfriend will be getting an apartment in July and she wants to know if they can stay with me until then. My first reaction was NO WAY!!! Then I felt bad because she lost her mother this year and if she ever really needed her mother now is the time. I'm torn on what to do. Thanks for letting me rant.

[straycat]

Her grandmother needs to take control NOW.At 16 girls are not women they are still kids.You have no legal rights but still if she respects your opinion you should tell her sternly Go live with your grandmother you are to young to be shacking up with your boyfriend.
IMO she has felt the loss of her mother in a way where she feels out of control and by getting pregnant she appears to be in control of her boyfriend and herself as well as her life in general.Have a serious talk with her for her sake.

[rjohnstone]

That's a tough one.
How old is the boyfriend and WTF are they thinking!?!
She's 16... way too young to become a parent, let alone live on their own.

I don't know yours or her stance on abortion, but she needs to seriously think about it, or possibly putting the baby up for adoption if she doesn't like that route.
Two of my sisters were mothers before they were 18 and they both have had the worst time getting ahead in life.
Boy friends bail and proper daycare ain't cheap.
She needs to think about the future. Not just hers, but what kind of a life she would be able to provide to a child. Love alone does not put food on the table, a roof over your head or clothes on your back.
Being a parent at 16/17 years of age is the LAST thing she needs.

And why is the boyfriend still breathing? I know it takes two to tango, but I'd still kick his ass just on principle alone.
I'm a realistic parent and I know kids will do whatever when we aren't looking, but where the hell is their common sense?
CONDOMS... tell the idiot to bag it.

Sorry for the lecture... I'm sure you have already said all of this yourself.

[Guitardude86]

Pregnant.. How did that happen? Yeah I know how d'oh.. But listen, I've lived with the same girl for 4 years now.. When we first met I was 17. And I'm every parents nightmare because I've NEVER used a condom!
She claims chocolate tastes better without the wrapping
But she's on the pill and it's worked out fine so far. Hmm.. Not sure what I would do.. Actually her parents let me move into their house, sharing my gf's room, and bed.. they were either a) too cheap to buy another/bigger bed, or b) they were just realistic about two kids our age and the things we would most likely be doing anyway..
There was one condition tho: At the time I had just about given up on school/education. They said, "if you wanna live here, you either get a job, or go to school." Getting a job without any education ain't easy, so I went to school. Finished the year with good grades too. To this day I feel I owe it to them that I have any education at all..

Back to the thread tho.. If I'd gotten her pregnant back then, I don't think her mom would have said much, she'd probably try to make the best out of it. But her dad, he's old school.. I'm pretty sure he'd KICK MY ASS!!!

[joshulator]

I don't have any advice, but I'd like to address the abortion suggestion.

This past fall I adopted my stepdaughter who I love dearly. She was conceived when my wife was 17. Much to her credit, my wife made a point of going to and graduating from college. I couldn't imagine making that situation work, but somehow she did. I respect and admire her greatly for that...

[rjohnstone]

I don't have any advice, but I'd like to address the abortion suggestion.

This past fall I adopted my stepdaughter who I love dearly. She was conceived when my wife was 17. Much to her credit, my wife made a point of going to and graduating from college. I couldn't imagine making that situation work, but somehow she did. I respect and admire her greatly for that...

That's fantastic, but a rare statistic.
Unfortunately it doesn't turn out that way in a lot of cases.
Teenage mothers have a lot going against them.
Most are at the mercy of state funded healthcare systems and asshat boyfriends that bail.
If they have a strong family support system in place, they can do better than average, but it's still a tough road.

Abortion is not the only choice... just a choice. Putting the child up for adoption is another choice.

[Firebird V]

Geez Jack. Tough call....

[Stinkbug]

Ugh man, you are in a tough spot. Not being in that position, or knowing all the details, pretty much makes any advice I could give worth slightly less than you are paying for it.

[guitarsjb]

That's fantastic, but a rare statistic.
Unfortunately it doesn't turn out that way in a lot of cases.
Teenage mothers have a lot going against them.
Most are at the mercy of state funded healthcare systems and asshat boyfriends that bail.
If they have a strong family support system in place, they can do better than average, but it's still a tough road.

Abortion is not the only choice... just a choice. Putting the child up for adoption is another choice.

I feel for ya bro..and I do NOT want to turn this into an abortion debate. I got pregant at 19, father ditched me, no family support...I could barely afford to support me. I chose to have an abortion. Best decision I ever made. I was not able nor ready to raise a child, I was still one myself.

[lerxstcat]

Geez Jack! I don't know, man, this is a critical time in a LOT of ways. I think if you let them stay with you and get an apartment on their own, if that doesn't work it could really backfire on you.

You have no custodial rights? Then you could conceivably be charged with contributing to the delinquency of a m inor for letting her live with her bf in your home. Her family doesn't have to press charges either. If the local DA or cops get wind and decide it's good for their career you could be royally fucked for trying to help.

I think the Louisiana family are where she should go. If her bf really wants to raise the child with her, he can folow and get his shit together there as well as here. If he's able-bodied there aqre lots of Katrina cleanup jobs still to be had. Housing might be harder to find, but again, let her family take that one on.

If she stays in NC, I would offer her to stay with you, but not him. If he had whatever blowout with his parents, tough shit. He can man up and mend his fences with them and stay there til he raise the $ for an apartment. July could easily become December, then NEXT July, once they're in there.

If she pulls the "runaway" ultimatum on you, hard as it will be, call her bluff.
If it's NOT a bluff that'll suck, but remember she's putting some heavy shit on you too, right after you've lost your wife. Tell her you're thinking of her, but she needs to think of you too.

As far as the baby goes, it's her choice what to do, no one else's.

[outsider666]

My girlfriend got pregnant at 17 (I was 21) and our son was born autistic, but I already owned my own home and had/have a good paying job.....5 years later all's well, despite layoffs, injuries (I had knee surgery 2 weeks before my son was born and couldn't walk for 5 months before and 4 after), and everything else...growing up overnight like this can be a strong test of character, you don't always get to choose when you become an adult, sink or swim............

[Norton]

That's fantastic, but a rare statistic.
Unfortunately it doesn't turn out that way in a lot of cases.
Teenage mothers have a lot going against them.
Most are at the mercy of state funded healthcare systems and asshat boyfriends that bail.
If they have a strong family support system in place, they can do better than average, but it's still a tough road.

Abortion is not the only choice... just a choice. Putting the child up for adoption is another choice.

Abortion IS the only choice.She's 16!It will ruin her life.

[CharvelRocker]

Abortion IS the only choice.She's 16!It will ruin her life.

Im not gonna turn this into a debate, but it's gonna ruin her life to put the kid up for adoption after he's born. And Jack, I hope it all works out somehow man.

[wakeUPdead]

I was debating on chiming in but here is my story in relation to this. My sister had a teen pregnancy at the age of 15, younger than your daughter but no less difficult.

She dropped out of school, home schooled herself, her boyfriend married her - then divorced her. Apart from not paying child support, and not being so much a father figure he proved to be useless. My sister re-married to a much older man, and they are still together. Now my opinion on them dosen't have any relevance to the subject so I'll skip over that.

But my sister kept her child, and my neice is 7 years old, my sister 23. Shes finishing nursing school this year and is doing an internship. My neice is a sweet kid man, and I remember when I was in middle school having people asking me questions about her - when I was just a kid myself (still am).

Its a dark path man no doubt, and it has alot of difficult times ahead. And the choice of abortion is just that a choice. But when I think about my neice and how smart she is, how big shes gotten - life itself. Its just amazing, and I couldn't imagine her dead.

Let alone the fact that her mom and her step father do things that makes me think less of them, I reinforce the fact that I'm there for her and the same for my sister and her husband.

Life has these stages man, and once again abortion is a chioce. But to every dark cloud is a silver lining. I wish you the best dude.

[Freyr]

Wow, that's brutally harsh man. If it were my girlfriend and myself, we already decided to have no children before the age of 25. University doesn't come cheap, and kids are more!

I wouldn't force them into anything though, if she's old enough to want to keep the child, then she's old enough to go and get a job and fend for herself. Not the nicest thing by any means, but everyone's got to grow up sometime I guess.

Best of luck bro, hope everything turns out for the better!