Chickens

[Jack The Riffer]

The priest in a small Irish village loved his chickens that he kept in the coop behind the church.

One Sunday morning before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing. He knew about the cock fights in the village, so he decided to question his parishioners in church.

During mass, he asked his congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"

All the men stood up.

"No, no, that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"
All the women stood up.

"No, no, that wasn't what I meant either. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"

Half the women stood up!

"No, no, no, that wasn't what I meant. What I really really mean is, "Has anybody seen MY cock?"

Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

[Strat God]

No chickens?

[wilkinsi]

[BTB007]

So wrong, but so funny!

[FusionFarmer]

A guy goes to a "house of ill repute" and hands the madam 10 bucks, she gives him a dirty look and says, "go room number 7" he walks in and its just a bare room with a chicken in it, He figures , what the hell and screws the chicken,, a week passes and he's thinkin' Ya know that was'nt so bad, so he goes back, with 15 bucks this time,. Madam says go to room 17, so he does and finds its a bunch of stadium type seats looking down at a small room with 2 midgets doing it, he sits down and says to the guy next to him, this is kinda interesting, the guy responds, You shoulda been here last week, some sicko screwed a chicken

[Freyr]

Hahaha, thats good.

A blonde comes home from school and says to her mom,"We learned how to count up to 5 today mommy. I got up to 10. Is it because I'm blonde?"

Mom replies: "yes dear".

A day passes.

"We learned how to do the alphabet today mommy. The others only got up to E and I got up to S. Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"

Mom replies: "yes dear"

Another day passes.

"We learned about breasts today mommy. All the other girls are flat chested and I'm a 36DD. Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"

Mom replies: "No dear, it's because your 25."

[Lord Of Repulsion]

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding inside a refrigerator..."

[wilkinsi]

A group of girls are trying to get into heaven. But there's a test they must each pass to get through the gate. The first girl approaches. The Priest asks her "Amy, have you ever had contact with a penis?". The girl giggles, then reluctantly admits "I touched one with my finger once". The priest thinks about it, but then stipulates she must dip her finger in the holy water to purify herself. The next girl steps up. Same question. "Katy, have you ever had contact with a penis?". She blushes, and reluctatly admits to having giving someone a handjob. The priest tells her to wash her hand in the holy water, and all will be forgiven. All of a sudden, there is a commotion and one girl pushes her way to the front. "What's the rush Abby?" the priest asks. "I'm gonna gurgle that water before Sophie sticks her arse in it".