SARJ is back from Hell.......who missed me?!

[Jack The Riffer]

Good to see you back SARJ and congrats on getting off the painkillers. My wife was on Methadone for pain management and she passed away from an overdose back in January. Those pills are nothing to mess around with.

[SARJ]

Hey there my evil brother Bill. I am so sorry to hear that Jack. It's a shame these pain meds are handed out without any real warning or follow up by the docs. You just show up every month and get hooked up and sent on your way. I know it's my fault too. I had my hand out and swallowed em.

Shadowcat: My wife and I lost our house to a USDA forclosure that they were planning since we moved in. The house was a mistake from day one. We ended up moving down the street to a trailer court and ended up not getting along with the landlord who was way out of line and got his mouth punched by yours truely. He's from the middle east and should be launched back home asap. Anyway, I just couldn't get away from the influence, I couldn't keep a job and I basicaly pissed everybody off as I was acting way out of charactor. My wife was fed up and we both decided I should move out to Tucson AZ to get my head and ass wired straight. While out there I lived with my dad up towards Mt. Lemon (near Paul Mc Cartney's ranch). Never saw Paul. Anyway, I was out of my element and basicaly alone. Without medical insurence and other resources I had no choice but to not take any medications and found a good hard days work and a few beers were a hell of alot better than pills. I went through a few police/tactical classes and was about to start work with a contract security/police operation and eventualy serve as a Pima County Sheriff's Deputy. I spent 2 months there and missed my wife and kids bad. I delayed my start date at work and came back home for my daughters birthdays and missed my bus back to Tucson. I decided to stay and within 3 days I had a car, job and even a guitar and amp to jam on as all my gear was still in AZ. It wasn't hard to quit taking all those pills. I just didn't know where to start and detoxe is just as bad if not in some ways worse than DT's from heroin which is what the majority of painkillers are derived from (opiates). My DT's kicked my ass. All of the physical part of it lasted about a month. I had the runs, no appetite, couldn't sleep, cramps, aches, pains, puking. The mental part is still tappering off. I have no cravings whatsoever. My brain chemistry will take a while. I'm about 90% my old self. I went through delussions, vivid nightmares, memory loss, problems with speech, etc.

I don't want to be one of those people that quit doing drugs and then go around tooting their horn about how rightious they are now that they are clean and sober and how everybody else should be too. On the contrary, drugs are not the problem, addiction is the problem. My problem was addiction. I don't believe in being labled "recovering addict". You either recover or you don't. All the label "addict" realy means is a person who does not want to quit. Anybody can quit. You just have to want to bad enough.

[shadowcat]

Thank you for elaborating. Sounds like a really hard road, I am glad you made it through!

[horns666]

Hey Jon,

I been meaning to respond to you openly. I'm very happy that you are doing well at this time.

I don't know what to say. Basically, I'm on that medical merry-go-round that I can't hop off. I'm up to 500 pills a month..paid for by Ohio. I take them as prescribed, but I'm presribed alot! I have bad days and worse days, which affect my mood greatly. I have a doctor especially for that, who I see bi-monthly who insists I take pills. Because, I'm retired, but can't forget what I've learned, I'm programmed ..therefore I don't play well with others. I still want to chase the bad guys..who I can spot a mile away, as you know. Therefore I don't go out to avoid them..driving myself mad at home..along with my family who understands and tolerates my overly lovable but frustrated and hostile ass! Not with the family, just anyone that is fair game..

I even lost my voice from yelling at people....I talk like the fuggin' Godfather sometimes...it's true.

Pills have been a daily routine since my injury in 2001. I had doubts if they even worked..which I quickly discovered that answer when I ran out.

Am I dependent on my meds?..YES! Doctors always asks that..That's when I ask them.."you know my condition..you tell me, do I need these meds???"..it's a catch 22.

The main problem is tolerence to the meds. I actually double the dose to get the relief I did..which is how I got up to 500 pills a months.

I must be honest..I take the same amount of meds whether I'm a 7 or a 10 on the pain scale. I do keep myself in check as far as going off the edge like some people I know..I even quit puffin'..There is days I take pills just to put me in a happy place, so my mood is more tolerable..but then I crash, and then I suck!

Due to my constant pain that completely consumes me at times..to the point of depression. I'll never be my "old self".. Pills,..well they make me feel like I can be my old self, but I just feel old...and tired.

I wrote surgery off long ago,.too many horror stories with the same procedure. My mom is permentaly butchered by a doctor..and she takes more pills because of it.

I have so much to be thankful for..but it's hard to be enthused about that shit with a hot poker up my ass.. Hard to remain upbeat here lately because of Donny. He laughed in my ear just days before he left, ya know..that said alot to me. Be thankful, for your family and friends that love you and grab all the joy you can get.

John's strength (Jack the Riffer) also made me take a good look at life, and my wife of 20 years...who I almost lost 10 years ago. She's injured and home since Oct.

My father is going to pass the torch, that I must pass to my son..that's my purpose!

I try a little "denial" now and then and pretend we live in a perfect world without assholes (xannax)..so I can go for a joy ride, or just to the store with my son without the aggravation..I put my blinders on and say.."fuggums"..

Jon, I'm sorry to hear you took a fall, but glad your standing! We assisted with so many with problems and took care of biz. People that we'll never meet again or remember. It's time to take care of ourselves and our own!!!

Respect,

Bill Z Bub

[lerxstcat]

Welcome back SARJ! Man, you've been through the wringer my friend! I'm glad you hung onto your DK2M through all that misery.

Painkillers have become the biggest problem in drugs besides meth these days. A lot of teenagers in my hometown have died of presctription drug ODs in the past few years, they have a task force toi try and fight it now. It is so easy to fall into that trap, especially when you have a legitimate need for them. Like Bill, he probably could not exist without the pain meds, just as I'd die without all the heart/blood pressure/diabetes/stroke meds. I have Bill beat by about 100 pills per month but I don't even get a buzz off of any of mine! Well, WTF, I took enough stuff that DID buzz me for about 25 years, that's why I'm paying the price today!

I'm sorry to hear about the crash and burn, but very glad to hear about your recovery. I agree with you, I don't preach to people about drugs because it was my own lack of control that screwed me up. And too, I know you can't tell anyone anything while the drugs are still fun for them, it's only when the shit gets old that people will take advice. When they ask, I tell them what I know, but you can't shove it down someone's throat.

God bless you and your family man! You're in my thoughts and prayers, and just take it one day at a time.

[horns666]

Rich, that truly sucks ass, having to take all those meds. I feel for ya brother!

Gettin' old is starting to suck, and I'm starting to feel it...even tho I still look marvelous!

Well complaing doesn't do crap..so let's make the best of it. Laugh at shit..that's what I do. I'm either bitchin' up a storm or laughing my ass off..flip a coin.

Take care man..you're great guys!!

Bill Z

[lerxstcat]

Well, Bill, in California they say it's not how you feel, it's how you look!

I don't mind taking pills, I learned to do that 35 years ago! It's counting the fuckers out into my weekly pill caddy that I hate. Takes a fucking half hour just to load up my weekly dose! But hell, it ain't that bad considering the alternatives! If I could just add a couple more pills a day that actually had a kick, that'd be nice! But like you said, complaining does no good, so ya might as well say fuggit and dig it like it is.

[vwall]

Welcome back SARJ!
I tried to send a PM buit your box is full.
Drop me a line.
[email protected]

[SARJ]

Although I was more or less forced to..........I can manage my pain using these spine stabalization techniques I learned from a book of all places. A little Naproxen and keeping myself good and hydrated covers what I do to keep from screwing my back up physicaly. My injury was from a firefighting accident 11 years ago. I had fire duty as well as being a street cop. I had just pulled 2 elderly victims out with my partner and went to the front door to ventilate the rest of the mobile home . I busted the door in and BOOM!!!! I was exploded backwards about 40 feet and landed square on my air tank. My L5 flexed backward and ruptured. 3 years later it started to hurt and then I ended up with a blood clot after lifting weights. I tore my gastroc muscle on my calf and the clot started there and went up my leg and stopped just before it hit the bend around my pelvis. A few more days without medical treatment and I wouldn't be typing this post right now. So.........I have a ruptured, buldging L5 disk, muscle damage to my left calf and nerve damage from the waist down including both legs, back and even my bladder. It all hurts. Some days worse than others, but I have accepted the fact that I can't always feel 21 years old. If anyone needed drugs it was most certainly me.

Besides, us 3 marvels of medical and pharmecutical science would have nothing to bitch about if we weren't hurtin..........right? I now love being an old fart (a little before my time).

I'm a San Diego CA native so I can relate Lerx. Judging by our pain we are probably the tree most sexy bitches on this board! Ha Ha Ha!!!!!!!!! Lerx, Bill and Sarj. We should make movies or have a radio show.

I'll tell you guys, there were alot of times I thought about all my buddies here while I was wallowing in my own self pitty. I longed for the days when I didn't have a monkey on my back. But hell.........rockstars get hooked on dope and go to rehab and end up doing okay. Look at Keith Richards! When nuclear devestation befalls the earth...........the only 2 life forms that will survive are roaches and Keith Richards! Now I can say I have experienced every aspect of the rocker lifestyle. Yet another achievment to proud of.

I'm pretty humble about all of it. I can talk about it and not feel like such a looser anymore. I am happier now more than ever and enjoy the life I have now as opposed to the one I led before all the substance problems.

You guys rock. Thanks for responding to me here. I feel more and more complete as the days go by.

[toejam]

Hey Sarj. Welcome back! Sorry to hear of all your troubles, but glad things are now going well for you.

[SARJ]

Thanks Toejam. Things are great. The only thing that sucks right now is that I ran out of beer.

[toejam]

That's okay. I drank enough beer and other assorted alcoholic beverages for the both of us last night that I've been out of commission for most of the day!
:ROTF:

[horns666]

I just read this thread again..wow.

Jon, you fuggin' take care of yourself man. you went thru some crazy shit. I know it's easy with the pills. I like 'em too much. My doctor wanted to put me on Oxy 40s. I've have them on occassion..I take two at a time. I love the euphoria, it makes me tolerate pain. That pain is always going to be there, and it's going to getting worse, but that feeling wears off and you have to eat more, you know. I know your know.

C-6, C-7, T-8 and T-9 are fucked, all due to my job. That's over now, but the pain is forever.."live long and suffer" right? I wrote a song called that. You said your dad says that, and I immediatey connected to it.

Metal is thearpy for me. When I'm pisssed, I throw on Slayer and let them do the screamin' for me..

Laid back music don't calm me down..that shit NEVER works when I'm tense, because I can't identify with it...it's noise!

My dad tells me "don't listen to angry music..listen to laid back music". When I'm in the red. I want to hear dead silence or death metal. When I'm in a good mood, then I'll put on the happy, power metal..that normal people listen to. Well, kinda normal.

Jon, You stay good!.

Bill

[SARJ]

Thanks bro.

Hell..........I'm good and it just gets better. I don't realy get pissed anymore about hurtin. I'm so used to it I have to be so bad off that I can't walk right to get pissed and depressed and loaded with anxiety. All that emotion lasts minutes now instead of weeks and months. Best thing to do is to just say "Fuck It" and move on. Sheer determination gets me through and in the end I feel like a bad ass for making it through without narcotic intervention. I'm not down on pain meds at all. They realy helped me out at first, but as the days rolled on my body built up a tolerance and I had to take more and more.

Thanks for the concern though. After all the crap I went through I would not ever go through it again.

[horns666]

I hear ya brother. I'm fuggin' happy your in a much better mindset and doing great. That is excatly how I need to see shit too, ..Fuggit..and do what you gotta do..

We fuggin' rule Jon! We are not going to let "pain" fuck us in the ass..and control us. We are the ones in control..and we'll keep it that way!

Fuggums..

Bill Z