Jokes thread

[Child Of Norther]

Priest and a rabbi are standing on a street corner,

Little boy walks past and the priest says to the rabbi,

"Hey! Wanna fuck him?"

Rabbi looks back to the priest and says,

"Out of what?"



I too am here all week!


I have several hundreds worse than this but may not go down well here!

[shreddermon]

On his most recent trip to Great Britain, George Bush had a meeting with Queen Elizabeth. He asked her, "How does one manage to run a country so well and so effortlessly?"

"That's easy," she replied, "You surround yourself with intelligent ministers and advisors."

"But how can I tell whether they are intelligent or not?" he inquired.

"You ask them a riddle," she replied, and with that she pressed a button and said, "Would you please send Tony Blair in."

When Blair arrived, the Queen said, "I have a riddle for you to answer for me. Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was this child?"

Blair replied, "That's easy. The child was me.

"Very good,' said the Queen, "You may go, now."

Very impressed, President Bush went back to Washington and called in his chief of staff, Karl Rove. He said to him, "I have a riddle for you, and the answer is very important: Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was this child?"

Rove replied, "Yes, it is clearly very important that we determine the answer, as no child must be left behind. Can I deliberate on this for a while?"

"Yes," said Bush, "I'll give you four hours to come up with the answer."

So Rove went and called a meeting of the White House Staff, and asked them the riddle. But after much discussion and many suggestions, none of them had a satisfactory answer. So he was quite upset, not knowing what he would tell the President. As Rove was walking back to the Oval Office, he saw Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice approaching him. So he said, "Ms. Secretary, can you answer this riddle for me? Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was the child?"

"That's easy," said Condi, "The child was me."

"Oh thank you," said Rove, "You may just have saved me my job!"

So Rove went in to the Oval Office and said to President Bush, "I think I know the answer to your riddle. The child was Condoleezza Rice!!"

"No, you idiot!" shouted Bush, "The child was Tony Blair!"

[SlasZ]

Thank god for shreddermon for upping the level again :ROTF:

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean. What are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland.

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.

What makes you think that?
I got proof.

What kind of proof?
She going to poison me.
She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say:
"Polish Remover".

[SlasZ]

Two senior couples are walking along, wives in front, and husbands in back.

Herb says to Sam; "Gee, we went to a new restaurant last night and had the best meal ever. Good prices too."

Sam says, "Well, we like to eat out too. What was the name of the restaurant?"

Herb says: "You'll going to have to help me out here a little. What's the name of that pretty flower, smells sweet, grows on a thorny bush?"

Sam says, "How about rose?"

"Yes, yes, that's it!", cries Herb, and then calls ahead to his wife.

"Rose. Hey, Rose. What was the name of the restaurant we ate at last night?"

[SlasZ]

A traveling preacher finds himself caught in a tremendous rainstorm.
Within a few hours, the motel he's staying in is flooded.
As the water rises, the preacher climbs to the roof and starts praying.
Just then, a coast guard rescue party floats by in a boat.
"Let's go, mister, into the boat."
"I'll stay here," says the preacher, "The Lord will save me."
The men in the boat shrug and move on.
An hour later, a second boat reaches the motel.
"Sir, you better get in. The water is still rising."
"No thanks," says the preacher, "The Lord is my salvation."
Toward evening, the motel is almost completely under water, and the preacher is clinging to the satellite dish on the roof.
Another boat comes by and they shout out to him through the rain...
"Hey buddy, get in the boat! This is your last chance."
"I'm all right," says the preacher, looking toward heaven. I KNOW the Lord will provide."
As the boat departs, the satellite dish is struck by lightning, and the preacher is killed.
When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, he is furious.
"What happened?" he shouts. "I thought the Lord would provide!"
Within seconds, a thunderous reply is heard: "Hey! I sent you three boats, you've got to do your part."

[SlasZ]

Not really a joke but funny

In dealing with those 'special' customers we all love, an award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. A crowded United Airlines flight was cancelled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've
got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something
out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone.

"May I have your attention please," she began her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS.
If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore. "F*** you!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that, too."

[Axewielder]

What does a stripper do with her asshole before she goes to work?




Drops him off at band practice.

[SlasZ]

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.
Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning.
You have a broken reflector on your buggy.
Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home. That's fine.
Another thing, ma'am.
I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his balls.
I consider that animal abuse.
That's cruelty to animals.
Have your husband take care of that right away!
Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop.

Well, dear, what exactly did he say?
He said the reflector is broken.
I can fix that in two minutes.
What else?
I'm not sure, Jacob ... something about the emergency brake...

[SlasZ]

A classic but wth:

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

[SlasZ]

A postman went to work his last day before retiring.
He started the usual tour in "his" area by bringing mail to the first house.
He was warmly welcomed and received a present: a nice fishing set.

At the second house he also was invited inside and his last day was celebrated with a picnic table as a present.

After he rang the doorbell of the third house, a charming blond woman opened, invited him inside and accompanied him to the sleeping room, undressed and made love with him.

After that, she brought him coffee with a slice of cake and gave him a dollar.

"Thank you, my dear", said the astonished postman, "I had a wonderful fuck and the coffee with cake really are good, but why did you give me the dollar?"

"That's what my husband told me yesterday", said the young blonde.

"I told him that you would be coming for the last time today, before your retirement and he answered: Fuck the postman! Give him a dollar..." And she continues with a big smile: "But the coffee and cake were my idea."

[nor]

What's the worst thing about being a drummer?



Having to tell your parents that you're gay.

[nor]

Johnny comes home from school and proudly proclaims to his father "I've got the biggest dick in the whole 5th grade, dad!!".

"Thats because you're 17, son."

[nor]

After receiving the bowl of soup he had ordered, the man noticed something odd. "Waiter - theres a fly in my soup!". To which the waiter replied "Ahh, so there is - and he seems to have taken a liking to my semen!"

[texasfury]

.

[GodOfRhythm]

Q. Why is air a lot like sex?
A. Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Q. Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?
A. He heard the snow blower coming.


Q. What's the difference between light and hard?
A. You can sleep with a light on.


Q. Why is sex like a bridge game?
A. You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.


Q. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.



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Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack. They were both extremely good employees - always willing to work overtime and chip in where needed.
Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasn't making enough money to warrant two employees and he would have to lay one off. But both Sarah and Jack were such good workers he was having trouble finding a fair way to do it. He decided that he would watch them work and the first one to take a break would be the one he would lay off.
So, he sat in his office and watched them work. Suddenly, Sarah gets a terrible headache and needs to take an aspirin. She gets the aspirin out of her purse and goes to the water cooler to get something to wash it down with. Mr. Smith follows her to the water cooler, taps her on the shoulder and says, "Sarah, I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."
And Sarah says, "Can you jack off? I have a headache!"