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Here's a few handy tips for you guys out there when shopping with the women in your life (Mom, girlfriend, wife, etc).
First and foremost, don't think of it as a chore, look for the comedic value in it and enjoy the show. Bring a notepad so you can keep score.
A woman will walk around a clothing rack at least 10 times, no matter how many items are on the rack. They will look for one in their size, but never find one. If by some miracle they do, there will be some flaw in it that drives them to look for a better one. If they find the perfect one, they'll have to try it on, even though it's clearly marked as being their size. Then, they will get everything that matches it: purse/handbag, shoes, and whatever complimentary apparel item (pants, blouse, etc).
If, after circling the one rack 50 times, they do not find anything in their size and/or in better condition, they will move on to another rack nearby, but not too far away. Within 5 minutes, they will return to the previous rack and circle it another 5 times looking for the mythological "one that someone put back on the rack when I wasn't looking".
Bigfoot, the Lochness Monster, UFOs. Everyone knows someone who swears up and down they've seen one. This is the same thing. Every woman either knows someone or has heard of someone who found "the one that someone put back on the rack when I wasn't looking", and very few can claim to actually be that "someone". Unlike the crackpot who saw the UFO, Bigfoot, or Nessie, this woman is taken seriously. She is revered and at the same time despised by other women, but no man may ever say anything bad about this woman, even if yours says it first. There's a chance she may be lying because she knows how uncommon it is, but unless another woman proves otherwise, if she said it happened, it happened. Speaking negatively about her reduces the chance it will happen to anyone else. The Clothing Gods are fickle that way.
The size tag on women's clothing is NEVER marked properly, no matter who makes it. This is not negotiable, nor is it open for debate. Ask any woman; she'll confirm this for you.
Never buy any clothing item for a woman unless she is with you, points it out to you, and hands it to you saying "buy this for me". Trust me on this one. Please. I beg you. For the love of God.
A "Sale" sign in a women's clothing store means the same thing to a woman that an open, full garbage can means to flies. The noise and numbers are about even, and there's a lot of swatting involved if you disturb either one. There may never have been anything in that store she wanted, and probably never will be, but if it's on sale, it's worth looking at.
Scientific studies have proven that women gain identical satisfaction from a successful shopping trip as they do from experiencing an orgasm. If she comes home with something, you're probably not getting any because she's "done for the day". Of course, a bad shopping trip is the same as bad sex, and either one is a turn off from the other. Either way, you're not getting any.
Lastly, when a woman says "hold my purse", it's the same thing as in an action flick where someone with a gun says "cover me, I'm going in". She's ready for some two-fisted shopping action and she's not coming away empty-handed, so find a chair and enjoy the show.
First and foremost, don't think of it as a chore, look for the comedic value in it and enjoy the show. Bring a notepad so you can keep score.
A woman will walk around a clothing rack at least 10 times, no matter how many items are on the rack. They will look for one in their size, but never find one. If by some miracle they do, there will be some flaw in it that drives them to look for a better one. If they find the perfect one, they'll have to try it on, even though it's clearly marked as being their size. Then, they will get everything that matches it: purse/handbag, shoes, and whatever complimentary apparel item (pants, blouse, etc).
If, after circling the one rack 50 times, they do not find anything in their size and/or in better condition, they will move on to another rack nearby, but not too far away. Within 5 minutes, they will return to the previous rack and circle it another 5 times looking for the mythological "one that someone put back on the rack when I wasn't looking".
Bigfoot, the Lochness Monster, UFOs. Everyone knows someone who swears up and down they've seen one. This is the same thing. Every woman either knows someone or has heard of someone who found "the one that someone put back on the rack when I wasn't looking", and very few can claim to actually be that "someone". Unlike the crackpot who saw the UFO, Bigfoot, or Nessie, this woman is taken seriously. She is revered and at the same time despised by other women, but no man may ever say anything bad about this woman, even if yours says it first. There's a chance she may be lying because she knows how uncommon it is, but unless another woman proves otherwise, if she said it happened, it happened. Speaking negatively about her reduces the chance it will happen to anyone else. The Clothing Gods are fickle that way.
The size tag on women's clothing is NEVER marked properly, no matter who makes it. This is not negotiable, nor is it open for debate. Ask any woman; she'll confirm this for you.
Never buy any clothing item for a woman unless she is with you, points it out to you, and hands it to you saying "buy this for me". Trust me on this one. Please. I beg you. For the love of God.
A "Sale" sign in a women's clothing store means the same thing to a woman that an open, full garbage can means to flies. The noise and numbers are about even, and there's a lot of swatting involved if you disturb either one. There may never have been anything in that store she wanted, and probably never will be, but if it's on sale, it's worth looking at.
Scientific studies have proven that women gain identical satisfaction from a successful shopping trip as they do from experiencing an orgasm. If she comes home with something, you're probably not getting any because she's "done for the day". Of course, a bad shopping trip is the same as bad sex, and either one is a turn off from the other. Either way, you're not getting any.
Lastly, when a woman says "hold my purse", it's the same thing as in an action flick where someone with a gun says "cover me, I'm going in". She's ready for some two-fisted shopping action and she's not coming away empty-handed, so find a chair and enjoy the show.
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