The History of Metal

[RD]

I searched.. didn't find anything. Sorry if it's repost





HEAVY METAL:
The warrior arrives on a Harley, kills the dragon, drinks a few beers,
and bones the princess.

POWER METAL:
The warrior arrives riding a white unicorn, escapes from the dragon,
saves the princess and makes love to her in an enchanted forest.

THRASH METAL:
The warrior arrives with a frayed denim jacket, fights the dragon,
saves the princess and fucks her.

VIKING METAL:
The warrior arrives in a ship, kills the dragon with his mighty axe,
skins the dragon and eats it, rapes the princess to death, steals her
belongings, and burns the castle before leaving.

DEATH METAL:
The warrior arrives, kills the dragon, rapes the princess in the mouth
and kills her, then leaves.

BLACK METAL:
The warrior arrives at midnight, kills the dragon and impales it in
front of the castle. Then he sodomizes the princess, drinks her blood
in a ritual before killing her. Then he impales the princess next to
the dragon.

GORE METAL:
The warrior arrives, kills the dragon and spreads his guts in front of
the castle, fucks the princess and kills her. Then he fucks the dead
body, slashes her belly, and eats her guts. Then he fucks the carcass
again, burns the corpse, and fucks it for the last time.

GRIND METAL:
The warrior arrives, screams something completely incoherent for about
30 seconds, and then leaves.

DOOM METAL:
The warrior arrives, sees the size of the dragon, and thinks he could
never beat him. He gets depressed and commits suicide. The dragons
eats his body and the princess as dessert. That's the end of the sad
story.

GOTHIC METAL:
The warrior in a velvet costume starts singing soprano. The
protagonist completes the duet by adding the beast part, while the
dragon plays the flute. Suddenly the dragon swallows the flute and
accidently scorches the beauty and the beast and suffocates to death.
All their souls are damned in hell for all eternity.

PROGRESSIVE METAL:
The warrior arrives with a guitar and plays a solo of 26 minutes. The
dragon kills himself out of boredom. The protagonist arrives at the
princess' bedroom, plays another solo with all the techniques and
tunes he learned in the last year of the conservatory. The princess
escapes looking for the HEAVY METAL protagonist.

INDUSTRIAL METAL:
The warrior arrives wearing a greasy overcoat, makes an obscene
gesture towards the dragon, and gets escorted out of fairy tale land
by security guards.

SPEED METAL:
Suddenly there, short solo, dragon is confused, someone's screaming
weird stuff, princess realizes she's been deflowered, dragon and
princess are still looking for the one who did this.

CHRISTIAN METAL:
The warrior rides in on his way home from church and sings a mushy
power ballad to the dragon about how much JESUS loves him and that the
dragon should turn to Him. The Dragon is immediately converted, and
when the princess wants to "thank" the protagonist he replies, "sorry,
but I don't believe in having sex before marriage".

GLAM METAL:
The warrior arrives, the dragon laughs at the guy's appearance and
lets him enter. He steals the princess' make-up and tries to paint the
castle in a beautiful pink color.

NU METAL:
The warrior arrives in a run down Honda Civic and attempts to fight
the dragon but he burns to death when his moronic baggy clothes catch
fire.

EMO:
The warrior sees the dragon and moans about how hard it will be to get the princess to fall in love with him. He gets eaten. The princess is very happy, because he was a whiny fag anyway.

[straycat]

Lol

[RacerX]

Oldie but goodie

http://www.jcfonline.com/forums/showthread.php?t=61321&highlight=kills+dragon

[Rsmacker]

You forgot Wilkinsi Metal

The hero arrives in a lift from his Dad, with Rob Halford in the back. He spends 2 hours looking for somewhere to plug his rack distro in, then sits down with Rob during his designated break time, as defined by law, and whinges about what a shit gig this is. Rob just sits there with his arms folded going "Oooh, I knoooow".
Breaktime over, our hero bores the tits off the dragon by putting him through to different departments interspersed by asking him what happens if you dis-assemble something that really shouldn't be dis-assembled.
He then realises the dragon is actually pretty foxy and the cave is possibly a better pad than his parents' house, so sweet-talks it into letting him move in.

One day the dragon flies home from a hard day's peasant terrorising to find Wilks fwapping away over pics of another USA Jackson with a cock dragon graphic.

"You can forget that one sunshine, it's about time you bought me the odd present, in view of the fact you live in this cave rent-free and I let you do all those nasty things to me. In fact, I'm not having any more of it, fire is only supposed to come out of one end of a dragon, but my fiery ring caused by your unwashed fingernails is just not on. As for role-play, I'm up for that, but wearing a moustache and dry-humping you, whilst pretending I'm an angry guitar shopkeeper who has caught you touching his stock, that's a bridge too far. Take your guitars, your distro and your Paddington Bear pyjamas and fuck off."

Our hero calls his Dad who takes him home, whilst listening to tales of how he is going to be moving out soon. Really soon. Honest.
He gets home to his bedroom, to find his Mum has tidied up his Grattons catalogues (lingerie section), stacked his copies of "Fat and Forty" and "Oily Sailor" and everything is good again. She's even made his favourite Pot Noodle.

He plays some serious guitar to celebrate. It sounds like Dave Mustaine with one arm falling down stairs.

The end.

Oh, the Princess? Fuck off will you, they don't exist!
There are women you think are princesses, but they are just more expensive to maintain and fucking hard work. And they all turn into dragons sooner or later, the one in the story was probably the princess' Mum. Look at their old dear, that is what they turn into.


Look out!! (There, a Dio bit, to finish up this epic tale)

[SlasZ]

BLACK METAL:
The warrior arrives at midnight, kills the ice dragon and impales it in
front of the castle. Then he sodomizes the princess, drinks her blood
in a ritual before killing her. Then he impales the princess next to
the dragon. Afterwards he has a stroll in the icy forest, contemplating about new words for snow, snowy forests and eskimo's

[Cygnus X1]

What? Where's POP Metal?

The hero arrived freshly from the makeup studio, where he surveys the glistening Dragon prop on the stage, notes its perfection. Then he strategically flips his perfectly done 80's pornstar hairdo and commences to singing about the Princess that's only seventeen....

[shobet]

You forgot Wilkinsi Metal

The hero arrives in a lift from his Dad, with Rob Halford in the back. He spends 2 hours looking for somewhere to plug his rack distro in, then sits down with Rob during his designated break time, as defined by law, and whinges about what a shit gig this is. Rob just sits there with his arms folded going "Oooh, I knoooow".
Breaktime over, our hero bores the tits off the dragon by putting him through to different departments interspersed by asking him what happens if you dis-assemble something that really shouldn't be dis-assembled.
He then realises the dragon is actually pretty foxy and the cave is possibly a better pad than his parents' house, so sweet-talks it into letting him move in.

One day the dragon flies home from a hard day's peasant terrorising to find Wilks fwapping away over pics of another USA Jackson with a cock dragon graphic.

"You can forget that one sunshine, it's about time you bought me the odd present, in view of the fact you live in this cave rent-free and I let you do all those nasty things to me. In fact, I'm not having any more of it, fire is only supposed to come out of one end of a dragon, but my fiery ring caused by your unwashed fingernails is just not on. As for role-play, I'm up for that, but wearing a moustache and dry-humping you, whilst pretending I'm an angry guitar shopkeeper who has caught you touching his stock, that's a bridge too far. Take your guitars, your distro and your Paddington Bear pyjamas and fuck off."

Our hero calls his Dad who takes him home, whilst listening to tales of how he is going to be moving out soon. Really soon. Honest.
He gets home to his bedroom, to find his Mum has tidied up his Grattons catalogues (lingerie section), stacked his copies of "Fat and Forty" and "Oily Sailor" and everything is good again. She's even made his favourite Pot Noodle.

He plays some serious guitar to celebrate. It sounds like Dave Mustaine with one arm falling down stairs.

The end.

Oh, the Princess? Fuck off will you, they don't exist!
There are women you think are princesses, but they are just more expensive to maintain and fucking hard work. And they all turn into dragons sooner or later, the one in the story was probably the princess' Mum. Look at their old dear, that is what they turn into.


Look out!! (There, a Dio bit, to finish up this epic tale)

My sides hurt! Have you considered pursuing a career in comedy?

[shreder13]

[Endrik]

You forgot Wilkinsi Metal

The hero arrives in a lift from his Dad, with Rob Halford in the back. He spends 2 hours looking for somewhere to plug his rack distro in, then sits down with Rob during his designated break time, as defined by law, and whinges about what a shit gig this is. Rob just sits there with his arms folded going "Oooh, I knoooow".
Breaktime over, our hero bores the tits off the dragon by putting him through to different departments interspersed by asking him what happens if you dis-assemble something that really shouldn't be dis-assembled.
He then realises the dragon is actually pretty foxy and the cave is possibly a better pad than his parents' house, so sweet-talks it into letting him move in.

One day the dragon flies home from a hard day's peasant terrorising to find Wilks fwapping away over pics of another USA Jackson with a cock dragon graphic.

"You can forget that one sunshine, it's about time you bought me the odd present, in view of the fact you live in this cave rent-free and I let you do all those nasty things to me. In fact, I'm not having any more of it, fire is only supposed to come out of one end of a dragon, but my fiery ring caused by your unwashed fingernails is just not on. As for role-play, I'm up for that, but wearing a moustache and dry-humping you, whilst pretending I'm an angry guitar shopkeeper who has caught you touching his stock, that's a bridge too far. Take your guitars, your distro and your Paddington Bear pyjamas and fuck off."

Our hero calls his Dad who takes him home, whilst listening to tales of how he is going to be moving out soon. Really soon. Honest.
He gets home to his bedroom, to find his Mum has tidied up his Grattons catalogues (lingerie section), stacked his copies of "Fat and Forty" and "Oily Sailor" and everything is good again. She's even made his favourite Pot Noodle.

He plays some serious guitar to celebrate. It sounds like Dave Mustaine with one arm falling down stairs.

The end.

Oh, the Princess? Fuck off will you, they don't exist!
There are women you think are princesses, but they are just more expensive to maintain and fucking hard work. And they all turn into dragons sooner or later, the one in the story was probably the princess' Mum. Look at their old dear, that is what they turn into.


Look out!! (There, a Dio bit, to finish up this epic tale)

oh my god

[Cygnus X1]

Why do we have to "quote" 50 lines just to say "OMG"?

[VitaminG]

My sides hurt! Have you considered pursuing a career in comedy?

his audience would be required to know who wilkinsi is. Otherwise, he'd have no material.

[thebeggar]

Nice work. That was some funny shit. Where would the world be without Dragons and princesses:ROTF::ROTF::ROTF:

[Rsmacker]

his audience would be required to know who wilkinsi is. Otherwise, he'd have no material.

He could be my very own Madge Allsop.

I was going to say he could be my "straight man", but, well....y'know......

[Thrust]

GRIND METAL:
The warrior arrives, screams something completely incoherent for about
30 seconds, and then leaves.

I LOL'ed.

[Spivonious]