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The History of Metal

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  • The History of Metal

    I searched.. didn't find anything. Sorry if it's repost





    HEAVY METAL:
    The warrior arrives on a Harley, kills the dragon, drinks a few beers,
    and bones the princess.

    POWER METAL:
    The warrior arrives riding a white unicorn, escapes from the dragon,
    saves the princess and makes love to her in an enchanted forest.

    THRASH METAL:
    The warrior arrives with a frayed denim jacket, fights the dragon,
    saves the princess and fucks her.

    VIKING METAL:
    The warrior arrives in a ship, kills the dragon with his mighty axe,
    skins the dragon and eats it, rapes the princess to death, steals her
    belongings, and burns the castle before leaving.

    DEATH METAL:
    The warrior arrives, kills the dragon, rapes the princess in the mouth
    and kills her, then leaves.

    BLACK METAL:
    The warrior arrives at midnight, kills the dragon and impales it in
    front of the castle. Then he sodomizes the princess, drinks her blood
    in a ritual before killing her. Then he impales the princess next to
    the dragon.

    GORE METAL:
    The warrior arrives, kills the dragon and spreads his guts in front of
    the castle, fucks the princess and kills her. Then he fucks the dead
    body, slashes her belly, and eats her guts. Then he fucks the carcass
    again, burns the corpse, and fucks it for the last time.

    GRIND METAL:
    The warrior arrives, screams something completely incoherent for about
    30 seconds, and then leaves.

    DOOM METAL:
    The warrior arrives, sees the size of the dragon, and thinks he could
    never beat him. He gets depressed and commits suicide. The dragons
    eats his body and the princess as dessert. That's the end of the sad
    story.

    GOTHIC METAL:
    The warrior in a velvet costume starts singing soprano. The
    protagonist completes the duet by adding the beast part, while the
    dragon plays the flute. Suddenly the dragon swallows the flute and
    accidently scorches the beauty and the beast and suffocates to death.
    All their souls are damned in hell for all eternity.

    PROGRESSIVE METAL:
    The warrior arrives with a guitar and plays a solo of 26 minutes. The
    dragon kills himself out of boredom. The protagonist arrives at the
    princess' bedroom, plays another solo with all the techniques and
    tunes he learned in the last year of the conservatory. The princess
    escapes looking for the HEAVY METAL protagonist.

    INDUSTRIAL METAL:
    The warrior arrives wearing a greasy overcoat, makes an obscene
    gesture towards the dragon, and gets escorted out of fairy tale land
    by security guards.

    SPEED METAL:
    Suddenly there, short solo, dragon is confused, someone's screaming
    weird stuff, princess realizes she's been deflowered, dragon and
    princess are still looking for the one who did this.

    CHRISTIAN METAL:
    The warrior rides in on his way home from church and sings a mushy
    power ballad to the dragon about how much JESUS loves him and that the
    dragon should turn to Him. The Dragon is immediately converted, and
    when the princess wants to "thank" the protagonist he replies, "sorry,
    but I don't believe in having sex before marriage".

    GLAM METAL:
    The warrior arrives, the dragon laughs at the guy's appearance and
    lets him enter. He steals the princess' make-up and tries to paint the
    castle in a beautiful pink color.

    NU METAL:
    The warrior arrives in a run down Honda Civic and attempts to fight
    the dragon but he burns to death when his moronic baggy clothes catch
    fire.

    EMO:
    The warrior sees the dragon and moans about how hard it will be to get the princess to fall in love with him. He gets eaten. The princess is very happy, because he was a whiny fag anyway.
    USA Doublerhoads Custom Shop
    USA King V Custom Shop X Series

  • #2
    Lol
    Really? well screw Mark Twain.

    Comment


    • #3
      Oldie but goodie

      Last edited by RacerX; 03-16-2008, 02:38 PM.
      "Quiet, numbskulls, I'm broadcasting!" -Moe Howard, "Micro-Phonies" (1945)

      Comment


      • #4
        You forgot Wilkinsi Metal

        The hero arrives in a lift from his Dad, with Rob Halford in the back. He spends 2 hours looking for somewhere to plug his rack distro in, then sits down with Rob during his designated break time, as defined by law, and whinges about what a shit gig this is. Rob just sits there with his arms folded going "Oooh, I knoooow".
        Breaktime over, our hero bores the tits off the dragon by putting him through to different departments interspersed by asking him what happens if you dis-assemble something that really shouldn't be dis-assembled.
        He then realises the dragon is actually pretty foxy and the cave is possibly a better pad than his parents' house, so sweet-talks it into letting him move in.

        One day the dragon flies home from a hard day's peasant terrorising to find Wilks fwapping away over pics of another USA Jackson with a cock dragon graphic.

        "You can forget that one sunshine, it's about time you bought me the odd present, in view of the fact you live in this cave rent-free and I let you do all those nasty things to me. In fact, I'm not having any more of it, fire is only supposed to come out of one end of a dragon, but my fiery ring caused by your unwashed fingernails is just not on. As for role-play, I'm up for that, but wearing a moustache and dry-humping you, whilst pretending I'm an angry guitar shopkeeper who has caught you touching his stock, that's a bridge too far. Take your guitars, your distro and your Paddington Bear pyjamas and fuck off."

        Our hero calls his Dad who takes him home, whilst listening to tales of how he is going to be moving out soon. Really soon. Honest.
        He gets home to his bedroom, to find his Mum has tidied up his Grattons catalogues (lingerie section), stacked his copies of "Fat and Forty" and "Oily Sailor" and everything is good again. She's even made his favourite Pot Noodle.

        He plays some serious guitar to celebrate. It sounds like Dave Mustaine with one arm falling down stairs.

        The end.

        Oh, the Princess? Fuck off will you, they don't exist!
        There are women you think are princesses, but they are just more expensive to maintain and fucking hard work. And they all turn into dragons sooner or later, the one in the story was probably the princess' Mum. Look at their old dear, that is what they turn into.


        Look out!! (There, a Dio bit, to finish up this epic tale)
        So I woke up,rolled over and who was lying next to me? Only Bonnie Langford!

        I nearly broke her back

        Comment


        • #5
          BLACK METAL:
          The warrior arrives at midnight, kills the ice dragon and impales it in
          front of the castle. Then he sodomizes the princess, drinks her blood
          in a ritual before killing her. Then he impales the princess next to
          the dragon. Afterwards he has a stroll in the icy forest, contemplating about new words for snow, snowy forests and eskimo's

          Comment


          • #6
            What? Where's POP Metal?

            The hero arrived freshly from the makeup studio, where he surveys the glistening Dragon prop on the stage, notes its perfection. Then he strategically flips his perfectly done 80's pornstar hairdo and commences to singing about the Princess that's only seventeen....

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by Rsmacker View Post
              You forgot Wilkinsi Metal

              The hero arrives in a lift from his Dad, with Rob Halford in the back. He spends 2 hours looking for somewhere to plug his rack distro in, then sits down with Rob during his designated break time, as defined by law, and whinges about what a shit gig this is. Rob just sits there with his arms folded going "Oooh, I knoooow".
              Breaktime over, our hero bores the tits off the dragon by putting him through to different departments interspersed by asking him what happens if you dis-assemble something that really shouldn't be dis-assembled.
              He then realises the dragon is actually pretty foxy and the cave is possibly a better pad than his parents' house, so sweet-talks it into letting him move in.

              One day the dragon flies home from a hard day's peasant terrorising to find Wilks fwapping away over pics of another USA Jackson with a cock dragon graphic.

              "You can forget that one sunshine, it's about time you bought me the odd present, in view of the fact you live in this cave rent-free and I let you do all those nasty things to me. In fact, I'm not having any more of it, fire is only supposed to come out of one end of a dragon, but my fiery ring caused by your unwashed fingernails is just not on. As for role-play, I'm up for that, but wearing a moustache and dry-humping you, whilst pretending I'm an angry guitar shopkeeper who has caught you touching his stock, that's a bridge too far. Take your guitars, your distro and your Paddington Bear pyjamas and fuck off."

              Our hero calls his Dad who takes him home, whilst listening to tales of how he is going to be moving out soon. Really soon. Honest.
              He gets home to his bedroom, to find his Mum has tidied up his Grattons catalogues (lingerie section), stacked his copies of "Fat and Forty" and "Oily Sailor" and everything is good again. She's even made his favourite Pot Noodle.

              He plays some serious guitar to celebrate. It sounds like Dave Mustaine with one arm falling down stairs.

              The end.

              Oh, the Princess? Fuck off will you, they don't exist!
              There are women you think are princesses, but they are just more expensive to maintain and fucking hard work. And they all turn into dragons sooner or later, the one in the story was probably the princess' Mum. Look at their old dear, that is what they turn into.


              Look out!! (There, a Dio bit, to finish up this epic tale)
              My sides hurt! Have you considered pursuing a career in comedy?
              Fwopping, you know you want to!

              VI VI VI: the editor of the Beast!

              There are 10 kinds of people who understand binary. Those who do and those who don't.

              Comment


              • #8
                Jackson KV2T Black Ghost Flames with EMG's

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by Rsmacker View Post
                  You forgot Wilkinsi Metal

                  The hero arrives in a lift from his Dad, with Rob Halford in the back. He spends 2 hours looking for somewhere to plug his rack distro in, then sits down with Rob during his designated break time, as defined by law, and whinges about what a shit gig this is. Rob just sits there with his arms folded going "Oooh, I knoooow".
                  Breaktime over, our hero bores the tits off the dragon by putting him through to different departments interspersed by asking him what happens if you dis-assemble something that really shouldn't be dis-assembled.
                  He then realises the dragon is actually pretty foxy and the cave is possibly a better pad than his parents' house, so sweet-talks it into letting him move in.

                  One day the dragon flies home from a hard day's peasant terrorising to find Wilks fwapping away over pics of another USA Jackson with a cock dragon graphic.

                  "You can forget that one sunshine, it's about time you bought me the odd present, in view of the fact you live in this cave rent-free and I let you do all those nasty things to me. In fact, I'm not having any more of it, fire is only supposed to come out of one end of a dragon, but my fiery ring caused by your unwashed fingernails is just not on. As for role-play, I'm up for that, but wearing a moustache and dry-humping you, whilst pretending I'm an angry guitar shopkeeper who has caught you touching his stock, that's a bridge too far. Take your guitars, your distro and your Paddington Bear pyjamas and fuck off."

                  Our hero calls his Dad who takes him home, whilst listening to tales of how he is going to be moving out soon. Really soon. Honest.
                  He gets home to his bedroom, to find his Mum has tidied up his Grattons catalogues (lingerie section), stacked his copies of "Fat and Forty" and "Oily Sailor" and everything is good again. She's even made his favourite Pot Noodle.

                  He plays some serious guitar to celebrate. It sounds like Dave Mustaine with one arm falling down stairs.

                  The end.

                  Oh, the Princess? Fuck off will you, they don't exist!
                  There are women you think are princesses, but they are just more expensive to maintain and fucking hard work. And they all turn into dragons sooner or later, the one in the story was probably the princess' Mum. Look at their old dear, that is what they turn into.


                  Look out!! (There, a Dio bit, to finish up this epic tale)
                  oh my god
                  "There is nothing more fearful than imagination without taste" - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

                  "To be stupid, selfish and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost" - Gustave Flaubert

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Why do we have to "quote" 50 lines just to say "OMG"?

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by shobet View Post
                      My sides hurt! Have you considered pursuing a career in comedy?
                      his audience would be required to know who wilkinsi is. Otherwise, he'd have no material.
                      Hail yesterday

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Nice work. That was some funny shit. Where would the world be without Dragons and princesses:ROTF::ROTF::ROTF:

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by VitaminG View Post
                          his audience would be required to know who wilkinsi is. Otherwise, he'd have no material.
                          He could be my very own Madge Allsop.

                          I was going to say he could be my "straight man", but, well....y'know......
                          So I woke up,rolled over and who was lying next to me? Only Bonnie Langford!

                          I nearly broke her back

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            GRIND METAL:
                            The warrior arrives, screams something completely incoherent for about
                            30 seconds, and then leaves.
                            I LOL'ed.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Scott

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