Old People

[yard dawg]

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and
loved to charge
around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel
and getting up
to maximum speed on the long corridors.


Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a
picnic ' the
other residents tolerated her and some of them
actually joined in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door
opened and
Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstr etched.
'STOP!' he
shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a license
for that thing?'



Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat
wrapper and held it up to him. 'OK' he said,
and away Ethel sped
down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one
wheel, weird Harold
popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have
you got proof of
insurance?'


Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink
coaster and held it
up to him. Harold nodded and said 'On your way,
Ma'am.'

As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig
stepped out in front
of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his
'You-Know-What' in his hand.

Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel, 'Not that Damn
Breathalyzer Test
again!'

[ABSOLUT CHARVEL]

Don't fart in bed
> > > This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for
> > > years.
> > > The only friction
> > > in their marriage was the husband's habit of
> > farting loudly every morning
> > > when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the
> > smell would make her
> > > eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning
> > she would plead with
> > > him to stop ripping them off because it was making her
> > sick. He told her
> > > he
> > > couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly
> > natural. She told him to see a
> > > doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow
> > his guts out. The
> > > years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then
> > one Thanksgiving
> > > morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner
> > and he was upstairs
> > > sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had
> > put the turkey innards
> > > and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and
> > a malicious thought
> > > came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where
> > her husband was
> > > sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers,
> > she pulled back the
> > > elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the
> > bowl of turkey guts
> > > into
> > > his shorts. Some time later she heard her husband
> > waken with his usual
> > > trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling
> > scream and the sound of
> > > frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The
> > wife could hardly
> > > control
> > > herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in
> > her eyes! After
> > > years
> > > of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty
> > good. About twenty
> > > minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
> > bloodstained underpants
> > > with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as
> > she asked him what
> > > was
> > > the matter. He said, 'Honey, you were right.'
> > 'All these years you have
> > > warned me and I didn't listen to you.'
> > 'What do you mean?' asked his
> > > wife. 'Well, you always told me that one day I
> > would end up farting my
> > > guts
> > > out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace
> > of God, some
> > > Vaseline and two fingers, I think I got most of them
> > back
> > > in.'

[ABSOLUT CHARVEL]

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out
of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 100
mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

'Amazing,' he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him,
blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 120 mph,
then 130, then 140. ?Suddenly he thought, 'What am I doing? I'm too
old for this,' and pulled over to await the Trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked
at his watch and said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 20 minutes. Today is
Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard
before, I'll let you go.'

The old gentleman paused. Then said, 'Years ago, my wife ran off with
a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.'

'Have a good day, Sir,' replied the Trooper.

[Wylde06]