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  • Oil change instructions.

    Oil Change instructions for women:

    1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since
    the last oil change.

    2) Drink a cup of coffee.

    3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly
    maintained vehicle.


    Money spent:
    Oil Change $20.00
    Coffee $1.00
    Total $21.00


    Oil Change instructions for men:
    1) Wait until Saturday, drive to Auto Zone parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.

    2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.

    3) Open a beer and drink it.

    4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

    5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

    6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

    7) Place drain pan under engine.

    8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

    9) Give up and use crescent wrench.

    10) Unscrew drain plug.

    11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.

    12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

    13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

    14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

    15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

    16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

    17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.

    18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to service station to recycle.

    19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

    20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.

    21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.

    22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface, be sure filter is full of oil.

    23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

    24) Remember drain plug from step 11.

    25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

    26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.

    27) Drink beer.

    28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.

    29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

    30) Drink beer.

    31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.

    32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.

    33) Begin cussing fit.

    34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.

    35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.

    36) Beer.

    37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

    38) Beer.

    39) Beer.

    40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

    41) Beer.

    42) Lower car from jack stands.

    43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.

    44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.

    45) Beer.

    46) Test drive car.

    47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

    48) Car gets impounded.

    49) Call loving wife, make bail
    50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.


    Money spent:
    Parts $50.00
    DUI $2500.00
    Impound fee $75.00
    Bail $1500.00
    Beer $40.00
    Total - - $4,165.00
    :ROTF:

  • #2


    50 Steps of awesome!
    "Dear Dr. Bill,
    I work with a woman who is about 5 feet tall and weighs close to 450 pounds and has more facial hair than ZZ Top." - Jack The Riffer

    "OK, we can both have Ben..joint custody. I'll have him on the weekends. We could go out in my Cobra and give people the finger..weather permitting of course.." -Bill Z. Bub

    Comment


    • #3
      You left out one men's expense.

      51. Divorce Attorney - Retainer ($3500), Alimony ($1100 per month), Child Support ($600 per child per month), Loss of Assets (1/2 of everything you own), One Bedroom Apartment ($725 per month)

      The upside, the man can no longer afford to drink beer and he now rides the bus.
      "POOP"

      Comment


      • #4
        Classic! Freakin' hilarious! All the oil change joints around here are notorious for screwing up. Wrong filter, loose drain plug, check your tire pressure and lose the caps etc.- they are in such a hurry that they mess up. Remember too that a chick will get everything else that they say her car needs and will get even more ripped off.

        Comment


        • #5
          That was funny.

          Oil change places are not a panacea, though, as the only requirement to work there is to have a pulse. They forgot to put the oil plug back into my car and started it up, thinking they were done with the oil change. Then, after they figured out what was wrong and put the plug in, the moron working there said he wondered why it was taking so much oil.

          Comment


          • #6
            sounds like my everyday at work,
            the cussing, the oil on arms/face
            minus the beer, im only 18 =[

            Comment


            • #7
              I went to "Quik Lube" just once.

              They insisted that the rear axle oil needed to be changed, even though the car had less than 10K on it. Deal was, my wife dropped the car off, then I showed up.
              I made such a stink the whole service was free.

              Then I promptly gave otherwise Ever Suffering Sweet Wife a "what for" speech, when I usually do an oil change in our own garage in less than fifteen minutes...no beer!

              Comment


              • #8
                I can save you $1500! Don't post bail on your DUI - they will cut you loose on your OR within 8 hours!
                Ron is the MAN!!!!

                Comment


                • #9
                  hehehe!
                  Very funny stuff.
                  "Wow,... that was some of the hardest rockin ever. Hardest to listen too."
                  --floydkramer

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Isn't jiffy lube one of those places that was caught charging people for services they didnt actually perform, like oil changes?

                    I always mark my tires with chalk before rotation, and date my oil filters. I've caught several places in lies about this stuff.
                    Guitars:
                    '04 Jackson SL1 - Flametop Cabo Blue Trans Burst
                    '94 Charvel Predator - Fire Crackle
                    '77 Ibanez LP Custom Copy - Black
                    Amp:
                    VOX AD30VT

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      You date oil filters? Women are less messy!
                      "POOP"

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Semi-related- I got this back when I had to turn my 01 Audi lease back in a few years ago. Brakes were worn down & they were going to nick me like $175 a frickin' wheel or something. Usually doing your own brakes is a pain in the ass, due to the fact that it's super awkward trying to compress the caliper & get the shoe on, and when you do it you can damage the face, costing you $$$$$.

                        I bought this and did them myself one weekend at my Dad's place.



                        Probably took 10 minutes a wheel, if that. When we were done, we just stared at the car and said, "That's IT???" Audi brakes are supposedly a pain in the ass compared to others, too...no problem at all.

                        If you can change your oil, you can change your brake shoes. Seriously, I am no gear head and it was just simple.

                        Vass

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