Am I heartless?

[guitarsjb]

So sorry for your loss bro..you and your family are in my thoughts.

[toejam]

Yikes. I don't think you're heartless. My condolences to your family.

[Wylde06]

sorry to hear about that...

[Jason1212]

First of all this is very sad news and my sympathies go out to you and your family. You are in no way heartless. Also dont blame yourself. I have been in a similiar situation with a friend and I beat myself up for not doing more to prevent his death. In the end when some one gets on this type of path it is totally up to them to get off of it.

[Mr.C]

Sorry to hear about your troubles & your loss. My sincerest condolences. I have had family problems much like yours and then some. Stay strong friend we will pray for you.

[Vass]

Nothing heartless about it. But no matter what anyone says you're still going to kick the shit out of yourself over this at some point- Everyone in the world can tell you not to do it to yourself but you're going to anyway. Eventually that will pass. Just keep your eye on the ball, grieve as you must, blame yourself as you will, but don't allow it to suck you down.

Remember the good times with your brother and rejoice for him that he's found peace. God's greatest gift to most of us, free will, is a heavy burden for some. Be sure you make, at some point, the choice to not carry your brother's burden for him. He's set it down.

Lots of people counting on you, it's true, but take the time to make sure you're ok....that's the best way to help them.

[atomic charvel guy]

oh man am i sorry about your brother. I lost one of mine when I was 16 to an overdose of heroin, and you'd think i'd have learned from that a lot earlier than I did.
this is sad, i'm so sorry.

[eakinj]

so small update. We have the viewing today, a lot of crying family members. When we can actually bury him is up to the VA, he's a vet and wanted to be in a military cemetary. I believe it's in Las Banos california or Gustine (I think the one in Gustine is just for Korea vets. not sure) well not gustine, sana nella .. but yeah.. anyway. I'm not sure my mom knows yet as we have to wait for the VA etc.

You know though, I have to say in a i guess sad way, he lived his life exactly the way he wanted. Not that excuses him from what he put mom (and to some extent me) through. And it doesn't excuse the mess he's left behind. It certainly wasn't a life fast and die young lifestyle, but he lived his life the way he saw fit and no one no way no where was going to alter his course. I'll give him that and let the rest be water under the bridge.

moms toughing it out like a soldier, god help us when this is over and she is no longer needed to make arrangement etc and has nothing to distract her...

laugh. i'll have to get her to an idian casino or something to give her something to do. She's 77 and doesn't like much beyond her soap opera's and indian casinos so... Thankfully we also have the house hunt to keep her occupied.

But I saw this kind of storm in her when my dad died. I think this one is going to be entirely different but just as intense when she does break down. Dad when he died it was quick.. mom has been trying to save jeff since he came back from vietnam(however you spell it) from herion addiction, to his drinking to speed to his hep C, to liver stuff and so on and so forth. And him never seeming to care about any of it.

I am currently not convinced he killed himself. I personally think when the pain killer arived (legal he had recently had surgery) he probably too more then he needed to fuck himself up.. won't know til the tox.. but i just can't figure out if it was suicide why he'd be naked in the kitchen face up with newly opened food, just seems more like he fell, knocked himself out cold and choked on his vomit... I just have to wonder if it was actually karma kicking him in the ass for that phone call he made. I dunno.. i would just rather it be accidental for obvious reasons. if for nothing else so my mom who is a devout christian can stop worrying about him being in hell for killing himself or whatever. she is in a panic for that because she loves him and yeah.. anyway.. i'm babbling, i am sorry.

thank you all for your kind words. I hope my brother is in a better place now and whatever demon he was fighting has now released him.

[wilkinsi]

Simple answer: No.