Time for the Big Trip Report 2008

[Outlander]

This is great Rs love the pictures w/dialogue You have a great story telling talent,it really holds my interest and makes me want to read more.
So when you headin' out this year and to where.....I hope we don't have to wait till next summer to read of your crazy adventorous exploits.

[Endrik]

Great report mate! Too bad the weather wasn't the best.

I went through Montpellier on the way to Barcelona but sadly hadn't time to stop at Cap d'Agde. Gotta fix that mistake. But luckly there were other "nice events" so to say in the south.
And yeah brits love Provence. It's probably the best place to live on earth. I think everyone related to Ridley Scott live there.
But this year's big discovery for me was Basque Country in Spain/France in the Pyrenees on the Atlantic coast. You definitely have to check out that place. The scenery and the towns are just mesmerizing. And there's no Nouveau riches from Dubai like at the Riviera.

The thing with the Greek islands is that the smaller the better. I think Crete sadly has too many tourist traps. I fucking hate when the coast is ruined by tourist promenades. Nothing against tourism but it looks like shit when a town screams out "tourist shithole".

Talking about shitholes I cannot believe what I saw a month ago. I came from the south of Tuscany through the beautiful Val d'Orcia landscapes to the coast near Pisa.
The place was called Viareggio. Just a tourist shithole in every way. Not that there aren't any nice building or nature but you can't even see the fucking beach on the road because everyone has put their big creaming signs up. Fuck.
And driving there towards north through a couple of towns (you can't really tell when another town starts) and then turning to inland for a couple of miles before the big harbors and mountains, thats' when it gets really interesting. Ghetto campings. Yes that's right... and near the coast in fucking Tuscany. Driving through those places is like going through a damn maze and they look like slums in Rio or worse. Holy shit. I was too stunned that I forgot to take pictures and it was fucking dark anyway. They were inhabited by people from poorer south areas, I think I heard some Naples dialect. And every gate had a group of mobsters in shorts guarding their fantastic property. Man I needed to get out of that shithole area fast!!! Towards to Genoa it got better of course. And more towards to France it got really beautiful. France luckly doesn't have that Viareggio shit due heavy heritage protection. But it was amazing to see something like that in one of the so called " most romantic destinations in the world" Bloody hell.

[Nazgul]

Great story Rs! Waiting for more.

[Rsmacker]

Al-righty then, the last leg (as Heather McCartney would say).

So I've escaped the crazy German bird, had a lovely kip in a nice warm bed, and point the bike North again. I could have cracked Switzerland the previous night but really wanted to see some of it! The year before I went under the Alps, this time I wanted to go over the Gotthard pass........

The weather's not too bad, but it's getting fucking cold, my time spent in Milan has paid off, I'd have frozen to death by now! After a couple of hairpins I stop to take an arty pic of the bike against some jagged peaks.



It's a long way down, but I'm still nowhere near the top yet.



I eventually get there and stop at some kind of lodge/fort/tourist trap thingy. Alas, all the signs are in German, not a hint of English so I can't tell you anything about it. I decide to park my breakfast in this lofty place, it feels special.
Into the shop and I pick a couple of postcards, ask for some stamps and present a Euro note. The sour-faced old bitch behind the counter snarls at me and points at a sign in German. I snarl back that I can't fucking read German, and ask if it says anything about depositing stolen Nazi gold. Pow, she took that one on the chin and wobbles, but strikes back with a venomous :
"Correct money only. NO CHANGE"
Immediately I throw the correct money on the counter and declare that "Orders vill be obeyed". She stares open-mouthed, I go in for the kill and tell her I'll be in touch with the Wiesenthal Centre, Irma Grese is alive and well and working in a gift shop in Switzerland. Victory! She is fucking speechless at that one, aggressive bitch. She fired first.

Out in the carpark, a couple of Harley riders pull up, they've been to Lake Garda. I ask one to take a pic of me by my bike, stunning scenery in the background, looking heroic. It's not difficult, look in the viewfinder, press the button. I swear this pic is the result, no editing apart from obscuring my number plate:


The lesson is: don't ask a Harley rider to use a complicated piece of equipment.

Anyway, the scenery is nice:


Suddenly I spot an old JCF favourite, I wondered where he had gone. Yes, fett has finally turned up:



Fucked if I know what it is all about. Probably a warning about cheap meat or something.

By now my phone is going ballistic and I'm reassuring everyone from my bank manager to my Mum that yes, I am on my fucking way home!








I find it hard to believe there's a tunnel underneath all this, that someone once said to the Govt., "I reckon we can bore through this mountain...." Even more unbelievable is the fact they agreed, and poured money into the project. Eleven years later it was done, and apart from the odd vent tower, you wouldn't know it. Incredible. I can't imagine how they coped before, it must have been hell for motorists in anything but the conditions I experienced.

Look at the lovely cool clear pure mountain water. Which I pissed in after taking this pic. And nearly fell in, laughing at my crime.


Gotthard? Furka? Ooh, matron, I'll say!


Ignoring the phone, I press on, into France. The miles get eaten and before long I'm approaching the WW1 battlefields of Vimy Ridge, with heavy black stormclouds threatening me. I decide people can fucking wait for me, bed down in a hotel again and meander on the next day, looking for interesting war shit. At Reims, I decide to visit a little museum with absolutely no-one about. There's a guy behind the desk, but no-one else.





It's a fort that held out against the Hun during WW1 for most of the war and took a harder pounding than W-Baby's arsehole during Gay Pride week. (It didn't get as many men inside though)
Not all of it is open to the public, and you can see rusting old Lewis guns and tin hats down dark tunnels fenced off. An amazing place, I'm pleased to see that it remains open because I know in England they'd have closed it due to lack of money, or turned it into a Theme Park with a McDonalds. Pikeys would have had these away long ago, they aren't fixed down, in fact the bottom gun was hidden in brambles, I found it by accident:









Finally, I have to listen to the people screaming for my attention and hit the road for a final blast home. A great trip, really enjoyed myself, hope you enjoyed this report. Next month, I go again. Not decided where, hmmmm, so many options......

[wilkinsi]

The cunt didn't thank me for the postcard either. He knows I was thinking of him as I wanked myself to sleep.

Really? Which postcard was that? Twunt!

[Rsmacker]

I put it in an envelope with the key to my heart, and sealed it with a loving kiss, didn't you get it?

Them thieving cunts at the Post Office......

[wilkinsi]

I used to get a cheque for £25-£40 from my grandparents every birthday. I think the reason deliveries take so long is because the posties spend so long holding letters up to the light to see if there's any money in there, then steaming them open, posting just the letter or birthday card.

[shobet]

Nah, it's because you live in Nottingham and no one there can fucking read.

Do they also still point at planes?

[Rsmacker]

Auntie Shobs!! <mwah> Where have you been? Did you get time off for good behaviour?

[VitaminG]

Nah, it's because you live in Nottingham and no one there can fucking read.

Do they also still point at planes?

:ROTF:

[Rsmacker]

The worst thing is, he's right. They are very um, "retro" up there. Like all the way back to Cro-Magnon times.

Thanks to all those who have commented on my little tale, it makes the effort worthwhile!

[Rsmacker]

I think Crete sadly has too many tourist traps. I fucking hate when the coast is ruined by tourist promenades. Nothing against tourism but it looks like shit when a town screams out "tourist shithole".

This was exactly my thoughts when I first went to Crete about 4 years ago. I stepped off the plane, and within half an hour I was looking to get on a boat out of there, it was appalling.

However, a kindly Kraut convinced me I was wrong and that I should give it another try, so I went back. Trust me, once you get 5 miles into the island, away from the North coast, it is wonderful, proper old-time Greece. Even in the places I was misbehaving on the South coast, it was really quiet and peaceful. I was the only arsehole there!

Talking about shitholes I cannot believe what I saw a month ago. I came from the south of Tuscany through the beautiful Val d'Orcia landscapes to the coast near Pisa.
The place was called Viareggio. Just a tourist shithole in every way. Not that there aren't any nice building or nature but you can't even see the fucking beach on the road because everyone has put their big creaming signs up. Fuck.
And driving there towards north through a couple of towns (you can't really tell when another town starts) and then turning to inland for a couple of miles before the big harbors and mountains, thats' when it gets really interesting. Ghetto campings. Yes that's right... and near the coast in fucking Tuscany. Driving through those places is like going through a damn maze and they look like slums in Rio or worse. Holy shit. I was too stunned that I forgot to take pictures and it was fucking dark anyway. They were inhabited by people from poorer south areas, I think I heard some Naples dialect. And every gate had a group of mobsters in shorts guarding their fantastic property. Man I needed to get out of that shithole area fast!!! Towards to Genoa it got better of course. And more towards to France it got really beautiful. France luckly doesn't have that Viareggio shit due heavy heritage protection. But it was amazing to see something like that in one of the so called " most romantic destinations in the world" Bloody hell.

Italy is unbelievably shit, unfortunately, really rough. I had an idea to go down to see Monte Cassino this year, but the thought of going through all that shitty stuff puts me right off, it doesn't feel safe. It makes true the old saying that Italy is shaped like a boot because you can't fit all that shit into a shoe!

[VitaminG]

However, a kindly Kraut convinced me I was wrong and that I should give it another try, so I went back. Trust me, once you get 5 miles into the island, away from the North coast, it is wonderful, proper old-time Greece. Even in the places I was misbehaving on the South coast, it was really quiet and peaceful. I was the only arsehole there!

I've heard the same thing about Bali. Very popular Aussie holiday destination and complete touristy shitbox. But apparently if you pop around the back of the island, it's all quiet villages where you can eat in the local restaurants and not be hassled by kids hocking crap on the beach.

[Endrik]

I believe that in Italy all the great places are the ones which are not featured in your local travel office brochures. Lombardy has many nice places near the alps and the big lakes.
Small towns and landscapes in the central parts are amazing. Even Val d'Orcia didn't have much tourists even though it's a well known place because of the artists and whatnot.
I don't know much about the Southern parts as I've been mostly above Rome.. but there's definitely less tourists there and more untouched cities and landscapes. Same thing with islands Sicily and specially Sardinia.

Big cities are cool because of the architecture and whatnot but some places offer more than that. I personally love Genova. First, it's not that well known and secondly it has this weird vibe about it. The downtown is hip yet dirty, nasty, full of piss and shit, streets filled with hookers, really old big houses, streets are incredibly narrow, full of cool boutique shops, bakeries, little markets etc. Perfect mixture of glamour and grittiness.

[Rsmacker]

I personally love Genova. First, it's not that well known and secondly it has this weird vibe about it. The downtown is hip yet dirty, nasty, full of piss and shit, streets filled with hookers, really old big houses, streets are incredibly narrow

Sounds like my kinda place!